Does anyone else struggle being a parent to a young adult?

cannyscot_2

I would echo what is being said. My DD 18 is in first year, has chosen not what I would choose but she isn't me. I've had to bite my lip tight and believe that I have done a good enough job bringing her up to give her good values . I decided I have to stand back and trust her judgement and if it really does go horribley wrong then they got good grades so they are very capable and will do well at whatever they decide to turn their hand to.

I'd also say stand back but there is no harm getting the view of the work experience people as they are more likley to be listened to.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Have you considered saying that you think it is important for her to experience independence and, as a result, if she decides to chose the local university, you expect her to find suitable student accommodation like everybody else?




That way, even if she does opt for the close course, she still has to grow up, rather than be a student who still gets her washing done for her, for example.

mintymoneysaver

Mojisola wrote: »

Probably because a few years away might cure her of the princess syndrome.

If she stays at home, minty's going to have to lay down serious house rules.

Person_one wrote: »

It could cure her or it could just result in conflicts and isolation.

Those tendencies would make sharing in halls or a student flat very difficult too though. Its not always easy to get on with strangers when you're thrown in together, it takes patience, effort and a relaxed attitude to differences of opinion!

Both why I think it would do her good. She's had a fortunate life ( not spoilt) but having said that she's only a princess at home, I'd love her as a friend! Like you said, house rules cause confrontation. I charge her rent now she's home with a part time job (a token amount) and although she pays it without moaning, I know she thinks I'm unfair. And in her group of friends, I am, because all her friends have mums like me who have had enough money ( but not too much) for our children not to have had to do without. The thing is that I'm trying to get her to understand real life, and that bills come before holidays, whereas the others are basically treating their children as though they're still at school.

lika_86 wrote: »

I know people who did Journalism at Sheffield and loved it. Sheffield's an awesome student city too. Good university too, if you're worried she'll spend all her time at home and not participate, send her to Sheffield, they've got loads going on and regularly win awards for the student union.

You spotted my favourite then! Unfortunately 'sending' her to there is not something I can, or would do. However if she 'wanted' to go to Sheffield after carefully considering her options then I'd be a happy bunny...:)

mintymoneysaver

floss2 wrote: »

At the end of the day, you have to let the reins go so they can find their own path.
Your daughter will make her own choices - your role is now to advise someone who's starting to be an adult, and not to get cross /huffy /upset /angry (delete where appropriate!) when she doesn't make the choice you want her to.

Which is when I have to try and remember I'm the adult. I still find it a bit too easy to get huffy and upset even at 44!:rotfl:

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Sort of but I just wish, as I guess Minty does, that Junior would come to me and say that I've made a decision to do X and this is why I think doing X is a good idea.

Most of the time I get the impression he's decided to do X because its the easiest (which doesn't necessarily translate into best) option.

Exactly! Or rather, not so much the easiest, but the one that seems great at this point in time for reasons that I don't think will matter in the long run!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Have you considered saying that you think it is important for her to experience independence and, as a result, if she decides to chose the local university, you expect her to find suitable student accommodation like everybody else?

That way, even if she does opt for the close course, she still has to grow up, rather than be a student who still gets her washing done for her, for example.

You're right, Jojo, and it's something I'm also trying to get her to think about. I know it will not be cost effective to go to a Uni near home and live in halls, but I'd still rather she did it. I'm aided in this by the fact that her closest friend has stayed at home for Uni, lives at home because her parents said no to funding her any extra when she could live at home, and is really feeling like she is missing out. One advantage to us going without some of the things her friends had growing up, was that we had been saving with the sole purpose of having enough money so that we could help subsidise her if she went away. So even though her dad and I are not together now, it's actually of benefit to her financially, as she gets grants, bursaries etc, and we can help out with topping it up to a viable level ( but not too much, obviously!)

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

I remember saying to my mum "You did a good job of bringing me up, so now you have to trust me that I'll make the right decisions as an adult because of everything you did while I was a child and a teenager." I don't think it was quite so concise, but that was the gist.

This is absolutely right!

KxMx wrote: »

It is down to him to make his own choices though, and not have to justify them to anyone, since he is old enough and capable of deciding for himself.

Sometimes what a parent thinks is best for junior is not, in actual fact what is best for junior.

Well, we parents also have to accept that sometimes what junior wants to do isn't best for junior but if that's what he or she has decided to do, we shouldn't say anything. No-one gets through life without making some mistakes. As long as the consequences aren't too awful, the mistakes generally teach us a lot.

Person_one

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

Exactly! Or rather, not so much the easiest, but the one that seems great at this point in time for reasons that I don't think will matter in the long run!

The things that seem important here and now do matter though. You're only alive here and now, and that's where you have to live.

There's no point making decisions by thinking 10 or 15 years into the future if they're going to make you s0 unhappy this year that you don't or can't stick with them.

Everybody has to strike a balance between doing the right thing for the short and the long term. You never know what the future holds.

Joons

poet123 wrote: »

Our eldest son did almost exactly the same thing (after choosing a subject we knew wasn't suited to him!) Fast forward and he changed courses, got a good degree in the subject which had always been his passion and is now in a great job and completes a house purchase tomorrow. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Like you, we had some sticky moments along the way when we could see issues but we did get through it....

This is exactly what happened with my daughter, she's very happy now, its not uncommon for them to start a course and then realise it's not for them. We're all control freaks when it comes to our kids so you're definitely not alone and I agree, she needs to look at other Uni's as they probably will give better teaching, that's how they are ranked and if her grades are so good then she should be striving for the best institution. Knowing she can get home at wknds is good so perhaps mention helping her to do? Plus, they get so many hols I don't think she would have a problem still having a relationship with her b/f. At the end of the day, she'll do what she wants to do, all you can do is offer advice but I understand, you worry about them and you don't want them making the wrong decisions, it's hard to watch them mess up but spose they have to learn their own way.

floss2

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

Which is when I have to try and remember I'm the adult. I still find it a bit too easy to get huffy and upset even at 44!:rotfl:

Only 44? I'm nearly 49 and still do it!!

Seriously though, when your daughter realises you're treating her as an adult, she will start to behave like one - maybe not straight away, but it will happen, I promise.

penguingirl

I'm 26 and remember what it was like choosing Universities. The difficulty is that when you are 19 you think you are grown up and understand making decision and relationships.

I'm a merseysider too and bizarrely decided to go uni 5hrs away! When I applied I was single and then by the time I went I had a boyfriend (who went to a more local uni) and I remember being really homesick in my first year and looked into transferring courses. In the end I didn't, and the bf and I eventually parted ways. With hindsight I look back at my uni as being an overall positive experience and I'm very glad I didn't give it up for someone else- but had someone tried to tell me that midway through I probably would have dug my heals in.

As a relatively recent graduate, I would encourage your daughter to look at employment prospects for all of the courses/ unis she has applied to. Discuss with her the financial impact of doing a degree, and whether she thinks it is a viable investment (because that's what it is!). Does she definitely want to go university at all? So many of my age group haven't got graduate jobs, and I think people are starting to question why they felt they had to go to university in the first place- and our fees/ loan costs are nothing compared to your daughters peer group.

gardenia82

This is an interesting read for me because I had issues with my parents over uni - well, my whole education, really. My mother wanted something for me that I was never going to be, not because I couldn't do it, or was incapable of the grades, but because it just wasn't what I was as a person. My mother swears blind, even now (I am in my early 30s) that she didn't push me one way or another, but when it came to choices, I ended up choosing the type of courses I thought would make her happy. I wanted her to be proud of me.

Needless to say, it didn't work out. I dropped out, and I wish I had the confidence in myself then that I do now so I could have done what I wanted. I don't regret my experiences, because I learned from the mistakes I made, and I also learned that mistakes are rarely permanent. Such a big thing is made out of uni and career choices, but how many people go on to make direct application of their degrees, never mind work in a related field? That your daughter has changed her choice so drastically indicates she doesn't know which direction to take. Maybe that's partly why the presence of her boyfriend is factoring in.

The best advice I can give (you've had some amazing advice here) is to let your daughter know you support her choices, no matter what they may be, even if you don't necessarily agree with them. Tell her you will be there if she makes mistakes, and you will support her on her journey. Face it, twenty years down the line you will barely feel the impact of her choice of uni, or choice of course, but your relationship with your daughter will be all the stronger for her knowing right now that she has the security to go ahead with making choices without having firm, solid ideas of where she should be at, and what she should be doing, because she has your support.