Does anyone else struggle being a parent to a young adult?

poet123

Our eldest son did almost exactly the same thing (after choosing a subject we knew wasn't suited to him!) Fast forward and he changed courses, got a good degree in the subject which had always been his passion and is now in a great job and completes a house purchase tomorrow. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Like you, we had some sticky moments along the way when we could see issues but we did get through it....

Lilith1980

I agree that stepping back and letting your daughter decide will be better for everyone in the long run.

I am a mature student. I did a masters at a university near me. I don't think it has a reputation as being a 'great' university but I fully believe that you get out what you put in. I worked really hard and learned an awful lot, and got the grades to prove it.

I am now doing another masters, at another university, which is considered 'better' than my previous university. There are some 'improvements', like better student support, but not a great deal of difference. Again, I truly believe I will get the grades I want if I put the work in.

If your daughter wants to stay at a uni near home, doing a subject she wants, and is happier because she is nearer her boyfriend, then I think her mindset will be a lot more positive and what she achieves on the course will reflect this.

It's easy for me and everyone else to say 'step back' , but I think you will do your daughter a favour if you can do this. If, in the end, she drops out or regrets making the decisions she has made then that is ok - but at least she made the decision. We all make mistakes and make decisions that perhaps we wouldn't have made once we look back in hindsight, but that's part of life. You don't learn anything by getting it right all the time

mintymoneysaver

Seanymph wrote: »

You have to stop pushing - what if you push for her to go away again and she hates that too.......... she will end up with NO university education if you get that wrong for her.

She wants to stay home, what is so wrong with that?

My eldest didn't go away last year having been accepted - but stayed at home, dropped to a non academic degree at college nearby and is finally really enjoying further education on a level I never expected.

And nothing is my fault

Stand back, stop pushing, let her choose.

I'll try, but it's hard! Especially with a personality like mine...

kettlefish wrote: »

I got great grades at GCSE and A2 level and had a place at Durham university. When it came down to it, I didn't end up going. I had been going down the bog standard route of school-sixth form-uni because I had b*gger all else to keep me in my hometown. I met my then-boyfriend 2 months before I was due to move away, and ended up having a year out before deciding to go to the local poly to study what was, in my teachers' words, a course "way below my abilities". However, it stretched me in other ways, forced me to live as an adult in my parents' home (improving my skills in diplomacy :rotfl:) and saved me a heap of money. I am now a stay at home mum to my little girl with that same boyfriend - we married in my second year of uni.

My friend who moved away to uni ended up coming back every weekend to see her fella, therefore missing out on the social side anyway. To be honest, after the first year living in halls with minimal lectures, a lot of her being away at uni seemed very similar to having a job and running a home... Except she had 5 other people with poor hygiene living with her!

Just because your daughter could do it, doesn't mean she should. It is hard if your gut feeling is that she's making the wrong choice, but I'm not sure it is necessarily your gut feeling - I think it is very much coloured by your own experiences (or as you see it, lack thereof).

)

Thanks you're right in some ways. And at your age I would have said exactly the same thing as you're saying now, as I was in a very similar position ( although I did do the course I wanted) I guess it's my hindsight, and my role as a parent that's making me see it differently now.


It wasn't the academic stuff that threw her , it was the halls which were very isolating, the very few people on her course and a few other things. I'm glad she's changing course. Although the other course suited her, journalism is what we always thought she'd do, and it's probably got more prospects than Philosophy! So she's got her heart set on Uni/ Poly in our home city ( 2 courses there), the other options are one a little further away but in a much smaller town, Sheffield ( where we have family) and the local red brick Uni, but that is a combined degree with English and communication studies, so I don't think it's really what she wants.

mintymoneysaver

Lilith1980 wrote: »

. We all make mistakes and make decisions that perhaps we wouldn't have made once we look back in hindsight, but that's part of life. You don't learn anything by getting it right all the time

Maybe I should print this out and put it on my fridge!:T

meritaten

she is nineteen, tried the 'living away at uni' and it didnt work for her. Perhaps you are putting this on the boyfriend when actually she realises she wants to stay at home?
Yes, you can see 'better' options - but, perhaps, she knows herself better than you think and she is choosing the right one for her?
Trust her judgement hun, in the job market a good degree is a good degree and not many employers make judgements on which uni it was obtained from I would think.

kettlefish

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

Thanks you're right in some ways. And at your age I would have said exactly the same thing as you're saying now, as I was in a very similar position ( although I did do the course I wanted) I guess it's my hindsight, and my role as a parent that's making me see it differently now.

Yes, I am more your daughter's age I suppose (24). But I did do a course I really wanted to do, just not one I'd felt able to consider in my very academic-achievement-centric sixth form.

It is so difficult isn't it? Who knows how the future will turn out. All you can do is be there for your daughter as a sounding board and support her in her choices.

bexiboo92

Being the young adult opposed to the parent makes this is a very interest read!

gfplux

My daughter, 21, does not have a boyfriend. So all her choices have been made to suite her, not someone else. She is now in the second year of a uni course that she likes in a city a long way from home that she loves.
However this pretty (going on beautiful) slim, tall, intelligent girl still does not have a boyfriend. (Or "girlfriend") and this is what gives us lots of worry.
She is free as a bird.
Should we be so worried.
She finds boys are crude and only able to speak "toilet"

*zippy*

We are in the same boat, my Daughter was going away and then changed her mind last minute and went to the nearest uni because of her BF, moved out for a year, but came back to live so she could see him in the evenings. He has now finished with her out of the blue and it has been really difficult.

All her friends are away and because she is living at home she hasn't had the social life in Uni she would of if she was living there. In one way I'm glad she is home so we have been there for her, but at the same time she is very independent and after a year of living on her own we drive her up the wall.

I was reading a teenage thread on here in the week and people were saying their teens improved at 16, I thought it was just me who still had a stroppy one at 20 :cool: I can understand though, I left home at 19 and can remember how irritating I found my parents by then, not that they did anything wrong of course.

We just pick our moments and try to judge when she is in the mood to take advice, otherwise I'm learning to keep quiet and wait for her to ask us, which she does and then it's not classed as nagging

mountainofdebt

Minty

Are we twins separated at birth?

I've been called a control freak as well (by OH) and I do have to say that I've made a huge change in my approach to Junior (who also started Uni in September).

I don't initiate 'conversations' on facebook anymore and with regards to him going to Australia for his 3rd year (which I'm still not convinced about btw) I've told him my concerns but I'm not leaving it up to him ....I'm not having it said I stopped him going!

He's managed to survive the first term without dying of malnutrition, learnt how to use their washng machines and found out that food doesn't appear in the cupboards by magic so he must have took something in.....I just wish he would carry it through when he comes home!