Does anyone else struggle being a parent to a young adult?

mintymoneysaver

I'm a mum to a 19 year old, and I really feel like we're struggling at the moment. She's been the model child in her own way, bright, sensible, nice friends, lovely boyfriend. But she's also quite selfish, living in her own little bubble where everything revolves around her and where the world owes her a living. This causes a fair few arguments on its own.
I have always been there, and always been around to help, choosing unis, helping with proof reading, personal statements, lifts ( though I'm not as generous as a lot of her friends' parents who would run them anywhere)
But last year she chose a Uni to go to. It wasn't the one she initially liked, it wasn't the one I thought would suit her best, but in the end I know she chose it on its closeness to home over the other one,as her boyfriend was staying here. Anyway, it was a disaster. She hated the city, and the Uni and after a horrible few weeks she has come home. So she's applying again for next year, but I am struggling so hard not to interfere. She has fantastic grades, and has decided she wants to do a new course, but after the awful time she's had she's got it into her head she wants to stay at home. The trouble is the Uni near home is not the best, and wants way lower grades than she's got. So I would still like her to look at going away. She's accusing me of being a snob, and I suppose I am being an academic one, but only because I feel like once again she's making the same mistake in choosing it because of the boyfriend, who is a real home bird. He's lovely, but she's only 19. And I' from an age where the local Poly was only your choice if you couldn't get into a decent Uni! I think the problem is mine, I'm a bit of a control freak, I know that, and she's too much like me. And you want them to do all the things you didn't get chance to do, don't you? I was with the boy I married from the age of 18, stayed at home for college ( though not out of choice, didn't get the grades!) and married him at 21. We lasted a good long while, and had our girls before parting amicably last year after 26 years together, but maybe that's having an influence on my thinking.I don't neccessarily want her to go away, but I just want her to look at all the courses objectively before making a decision, when I can see in her head she's already made her mind up.
Sorry for the long post, I know I need to get my head round it, and there probavly aren't any clear cut answers, just wondering how others might deal with it?

lika_86

Does she have a specific career in mind? If so, do you know anyone doing that sort of job who could speak to her about it (in a non-obvious way).

Maybe also (if you can afford it) offer to subsidise her trips to come home so she knows money isn't an issue.

smartpicture

Well, I wish I could help. All I can say is I have a 20-year-old and a 23-year-old and my natural inclination would be 'control freak mother', so I am constantly biting my tongue or trying to say things tactfully or watching anxiously from the sidelines as they make mistakes or base decisions on current girl/boyfriends or don't run their life how I think they should.

And it's bloody difficult!

So apart from saying 'you are not alone', not sure I can be of much help :rotfl:

marisco_2

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

I don't neccessarily want her to go away, but I just want her to look at all the courses objectively before making a decision, when I can see in her head she's already made her mind up.

What you are sugesting is very sensible. You would like your daughter to look into all the available options, so as to be able to make an informed decision about the next stage of her learning.

Taking some extra time now to look into this could make a huge impact on her experience of university life, how stimulating and challenging the course she pursues is to her and how she would benefit from the whole social side of it all.

Unfortunately you cant put a wise head on young shoulders. Her priorities may not match what I have written above. I wish you luck with navigating your way through this time with her. I shall be watching this thread with interest as I have all this to come in a few years. At the moment my youngest is only seven and I am struggling to get him to settle down and stop being the class clown. Kids hey, they are sent to try us

Lara44

As it costs so much to go to Uni now, I'd try to talk to her about it being an investment. All Unis are not created equal. There are many league tables which rank institutions overall, but it's worth remembering that different Unis can specialise in particular subject areas. So the league tables by subject area can be most useful.

If you're in Merseyside there are a lot of great institutions that are within or just over an hour away, which as a Londoner I think is really close! Is distance really the issue here?

Purleygirl

Yes this is a tricky one, I have four children and the oldest, still at home and 23 sounds rather like your daughter. I don't know what the answer is but the way forward is to try not to push your ideas onto her, I'm not saying that's what you do, but she probably feels pressured. My oldest, the 23 year old, started uni after school when she was 19. Spent a year at uni, then off to Spain as part of her course and then it all went pear shaped. She wasn't ready, missed her bf, was having panic attacks, hair falling out. So we had to be there, arms open, even though we wanted to say, just stick it out for another few months. Anyway, she's been slobbing around here for over a year, is over the trauma and is now applying for another course for sept. All the way we have been understanding and supportive. I think we all have this snob value, it should be this uni because it's better, more academic. But maybe it's best just to settle for what she wants, she's looked at the options, wants to be near her bf, wants to be with you. She's still only 19 and you know some young adults are truly not ready at that age, they just can't leave home, study and be responsible for themselves, it's hard, it's difficult, they become home sick and unable to study. It's not how they're brought up, they just are who they are. My second daughter has gone to uni and not a bother on her. Keep up the good relationship and look at it from a different point of view. You have a daughter whom you get on with, she's got good grades, she tried one uni, it wasn't for her, she didn't crumble, she decided she wanted to be at home for now, so she chose a uni nearer home to be with her family, she has a steady boyfriend and she's telling you not to be a snob about the uni she's chosen, she sounds like an angel already.

kettlefish

I got great grades at GCSE and A2 level and had a place at Durham university. When it came down to it, I didn't end up going. I had been going down the bog standard route of school-sixth form-uni because I had b*gger all else to keep me in my hometown. I met my then-boyfriend 2 months before I was due to move away, and ended up having a year out before deciding to go to the local poly to study what was, in my teachers' words, a course "way below my abilities". However, it stretched me in other ways, forced me to live as an adult in my parents' home (improving my skills in diplomacy :rotfl:) and saved me a heap of money. I am now a stay at home mum to my little girl with that same boyfriend - we married in my second year of uni.

My friend who moved away to uni ended up coming back every weekend to see her fella, therefore missing out on the social side anyway. To be honest, after the first year living in halls with minimal lectures, a lot of her being away at uni seemed very similar to having a job and running a home... Except she had 5 other people with poor hygiene living with her!

Just because your daughter could do it, doesn't mean she should. It is hard if your gut feeling is that she's making the wrong choice, but I'm not sure it is necessarily your gut feeling - I think it is very much coloured by your own experiences (or as you see it, lack thereof).

Also bear in mind that you can only receive help with student finance for a total of 4 years I think - she has already "used up" one academic years' worth of finance, albeit that she didn't complete the year. That means she needs to stick at this course - won't being nearer home help her to do that? (Not 100% sure on this - worth checking out)

Seanymph

You have to stop pushing - what if you push for her to go away again and she hates that too.......... she will end up with NO university education if you get that wrong for her.

She wants to stay home, what is so wrong with that?

My eldest didn't go away last year having been accepted - but stayed at home, dropped to a non academic degree at college nearby and is finally really enjoying further education on a level I never expected.

And nothing is my fault

Stand back, stop pushing, let her choose.

poet123

smartpicture wrote: »

Well, I wish I could help. All I can say is I have a 20-year-old and a 23-year-old and my natural inclination would be 'control freak mother', so I am constantly biting my tongue or trying to say things tactfully or watching anxiously from the sidelines as they make mistakes or base decisions on current girl/boyfriends or don't run their life how I think they should.

And it's bloody difficult!

So apart from saying 'you are not alone', not sure I can be of much help :rotfl:

Oh God, me too. It is so hard, and I think we should form a club!!:rotfl:

mintymoneysaver

lika_86 wrote: »

Does she have a specific career in mind? If so, do you know anyone doing that sort of job who could speak to her about it (in a non-obvious way).

Maybe also (if you can afford it) offer to subsidise her trips to come home so she knows money isn't an issue.

She's planning on journalism ( having changed from Philosophy last year!) She's got a couple of weeks work experience lined up before she has to make her final decision, so maybe I can tactfully (!) suggest she see which Unis they recommend!

smartpicture wrote: »

Well, I wish I could help. All I can say is I have a 20-year-old and a 23-year-old and my natural inclination would be 'control freak mother', so I am constantly biting my tongue or trying to say things tactfully or watching anxiously from the sidelines as they make mistakes or base decisions on current girl/boyfriends or don't run their life how I think they should.

And it's bloody difficult!

So apart from saying 'you are not alone', not sure I can be of much help :rotfl:

That's the biggest help of all! It's the biting my tongue and being tactful I need to improve on!

Lara44 wrote: »

As it costs so much to go to Uni now, I'd try to talk to her about it being an investment. All Unis are not created equal. There are many league tables which rank institutions overall, but it's worth remembering that different Unis can specialise in particular subject areas. So the league tables by subject area can be most useful.

If you're in Merseyside there are a lot of great institutions that are within or just over an hour away, which as a Londoner I think is really close! Is distance really the issue here?

Unfortunately it was a great institution less than an hour away that she had such a bad experience at! And the other great, very local, institution doesn't do the course she wants. You're right about different Unis being good for different things, and I've done my research. The local places aren't 'bad' They're just not as good as some where she would have to live away. And I would still love her to have that whole 'Uni' experience, which I think would do her a world of good. The funny thing was she was always determined she was going away to Uni, from the age of about 11, and I honestly thought she'd absolutely love the independence of it. I'm still convinced if it had been the right Uni in the first place she'd have loved it, but I think it's dented her confidence so much now that she doesn't want to give it another go.

Still, she has unconditional offers from all the places she's applied, so hopefully going to the applicant open days over the next month or so will make her at least think about it.

mintymoneysaver

Purleygirl wrote: »

Yes this is a tricky one, I have four children and the oldest, still at home and 23 sounds rather like your daughter. I don't know what the answer is but the way forward is to try not to push your ideas onto her, I'm not saying that's what you do, but she probably feels pressured. My oldest, the 23 year old, started uni after school when she was 19. Spent a year at uni, then off to Spain as part of her course and then it all went pear shaped. She wasn't ready, missed her bf, was having panic attacks, hair falling out. So we had to be there, arms open, even though we wanted to say, just stick it out for another few months. Anyway, she's been slobbing around here for over a year, is over the trauma and is now applying for another course for sept. All the way we have been understanding and supportive. I think we all have this snob value, it should be this uni because it's better, more academic. But maybe it's best just to settle for what she wants, she's looked at the options, wants to be near her bf, wants to be with you. She's still only 19 and you know some young adults are truly not ready at that age, they just can't leave home, study and be responsible for themselves, it's hard, it's difficult, they become home sick and unable to study. It's not how they're brought up, they just are who they are. My second daughter has gone to uni and not a bother on her. Keep up the good relationship and look at it from a different point of view. You have a daughter whom you get on with, she's got good grades, she tried one uni, it wasn't for her, she didn't crumble, she decided she wanted to be at home for now, so she chose a uni nearer home to be with her family, she has a steady boyfriend and she's telling you not to be a snob about the uni she's chosen, she sounds like an angel already.

Thankyou! You feel like my little conscience on my shoulder. I shall try and be as understanding and supportive as you x