Engagement - a question for the girls and the guys

miss_independent

I'm old-fashioned and ideally wouldn't want to live with someone until after we were married and would also want a relatively short engagement - i.e definitely no longer than 18 months, preferably around 6 to 8 months.

I don't understand the way engagement is now really. People I know act horrified when they announce their engagement and you ask, "When is the wedding?". I've even been told, "We aren't getting married, we are just engaged!" My friend has been engaged for coming up seven years, they own property together, have a child at school and even though they are "engaged" he has no intention of marrying her. They went on holiday and chose an engagement ring together as Gold was cheap there but they weren't "engaged" they told me. Three weeks later she called me, genuinely in shock and surprised because he had proposed! It just confuses me.

I'd like it to be a surprise. I'd never nag a man to marry me, or start dropping hints or putting pressure on him to propose. If he wants to marry me, then he will ask me. If he needs to be pressurised into it, clearly he doesn't want to do it - so what's the point? I've seen too many unhappy marriages to consider "trapping" a man.

To be honest, I'd be happy for it all to be on his terms. I'd be delighted with whatever ring he gave me because HE chose it for me, he put time and effort into it and thought of me whilst choosing. I don't care how expensive it is, to me it's not a competition of who can out-bling who. It's a symbol of love and there's no evidence that the bigger the ring equals the greater the love. To me, it's all about the sentiment. I'd just be delighted he asked me.

I wouldn't expect to contribute because I would want him to only choose what he could afford, I wouldn't want him to worry about cost or go into any kind of debt for a ring. I think financial responsibility is a highly desirable trait in a husband!

Teeniepops

miss_independent wrote: »

"We aren't getting married, we are just engaged!"

To be honest, I'd be happy for it all to be on his terms. I'd be delighted with whatever ring he gave me because HE chose it for me, he put time and effort into it and thought of me whilst choosing. I don't care how expensive it is, to me it's not a competition of who can out-bling who. It's a symbol of love and there's no evidence that the bigger the ring equals the greater the love. To me, it's all about the sentiment. I'd just be delighted he asked me.

I wouldn't expect to contribute because I would want him to only choose what he could afford, I wouldn't want him to worry about cost or go into any kind of debt for a ring. I think financial responsibility is a highly desirable trait in a husband!

Totally agree about the 'engaged but never married thing' - my brain doesn't compute that!

You summed up my views in a much clearer way about the meaning too

Person_one

islandgirl8 wrote: »

I always feel this way about expensive weddings. You are just as married with a small inexpensive wedding. My engagement ring cost a bomb but it is gorgeous. I would much rather have a lovely engagement ring which will hopefully last a lifetime and become a family heirloom, than a big wedding...but that's just me.

Aren't you terrified walking round with it on your finger though?

Seeing a ring disappear down a grid or the plug is annoying enough when it only cost £15!

Gloomendoom

islandgirl8 wrote: »

I always feel this way about expensive weddings. You are just as married with a small inexpensive wedding. My engagement ring cost a bomb but it is gorgeous. I would much rather have a lovely engagement ring which will hopefully last a lifetime and become a family heirloom, than a big wedding...but that's just me.

If you do it right, a big wedding can be a lot fun for all concerned. Our wedding has become the benchmark by which all our family weddings are judged. Nobody mentions the engagement ring.

Mind you, neither the wedding, nor the engagement ring broke the bank.

sharnad

We choose ring together and it came from savings

74jax

Person_one wrote: »

Aren't you terrified walking round with it on your finger though?

Seeing a ring disappear down a grid or the plug is annoying enough when it only cost £15!

I found out the cost of mine quite by chance. I had an idea what it cost but was surprised to find it a fair bit more.

It's a really good fit and doesn't come off. It is insured but I would be so upset to loose it. However it was bought to be worn and that's what I do.

Person_one

Gloomendoom wrote: »

If you do it right, a big wedding can be a lot fun for all concerned. Our wedding has become the benchmark by which all our family weddings are judged. Nobody mentions the engagement ring.

Everybody thinks that about their wedding.

Gloomendoom

Person_one wrote: »

Everybody thinks that about their wedding.

Sadly, they don't. At least, not in our family.
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kitschkitty

Gloomendoom wrote: »

If you do it right, a big wedding can be a lot fun for all concerned. Our wedding has become the benchmark by which all our family weddings are judged. Nobody mentions the engagement ring.

Mind you, neither the wedding, nor the engagement ring broke the bank.

Person_one wrote: »

Everybody thinks that about their wedding.

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Sadly, they don't. At least, not in our family.

"Sadly"?....

I'm not sure that was meant as a compliment!

bylromarha

I found the receipt for my ring about 5 years into our marriage - cost about £60 late 1990s. If he'd asked me to contribute to its cost, I'd be concerned he didn't know me at all.

He knew even then that I don't place value on material things, more the meaning of them.

We'd never have lived together pre marriage, so can't answer the question from that perspective. We have a joint account, so can always see each others purchases. I know how much he spends on my Cmas and birthday pressies and vice versa...if I chose to look.