Engagement - a question for the girls and the guys

Person_one

MrsDrink wrote: »

*edit* to say - we became engaged when MrD decided he would marry me.

I'm assuming you had a say in it too...;)

loulou123

We had separate bank accounts at the time of my proposal, but my hubby proposed with a ring I already had and then we went shopping the same day and I picked one. I was more then happy to pick my own, as it'll be me that's wearing it everyday! He paid for it out of his own money though.

I didn't feel it was fair though that he had to buy me a fairly expensive piece of jewellery and didn't get anything in return, so I spent a similar amount of money on his next tattoo (which he'd been saving to have done, before he proposed.)

Personally I would've rather have had a cheaper ring, then pay for half myself, but NOT because I would have objected to paying, simply because I wouldn't want him spending money he couldn't afford on it.

MrsDrink

Person_one wrote: »

I'm assuming you had a say in it too...;)

Lol yes But I made my mind up 5 years beforehand. :rotfl:

katgirlie

Like many others have said, we have joint finances and a joint account for the mortgage and bills etc, but still have our own bank accounts. We each allocate ourselves 'pocket money' and my fella saved for my ring out of that. I didn't really notice, as his money is his to spend - so long as the bills are paid and we put away the agreed amount into savings, what he does with his money is his business (and if he decides to spend it on me, even better!!). He chose and bought the ring, I'm an old-fashioned girl who thinks there should be a little box with something sparkly in it at the proposal! He knows me so well that it's perfect - I'd have been happy though whatever he chose (unless it was REALLY horrible, but he has good taste), and as it's a gift and a token of love, I think he should choose it.

Dunroamin

rpc wrote: »

You need to read the "more than a piece of paper" thread.

Marriage creates a legal and financial partnership and bestows rights and responsibilities than cannot be acquired by any other instrument.

You're lecturing the wrong person - I'm one of the strongest proponents of marriage on this board!

Apart from anything else, you didn't read my post properly - I didn't say marriage was redundant when living and having a child together, I said getting engaged was. I can't see how much more strongly you can plight your troth than by having a baby together!

daisiegg

No, I wouldn't have wanted to pay towards my own engagement ring. He doesn't pay towards presents I get for him!

That said, had I been in love with a man who could only afford a £50 ring, that is what I would have been happy to have rather than paying towards it myself to have a more expensive one. As it is, my OH earns a huge amount more than I do and we have pretty separate finances (joint mortgage aside) so I have no idea what he spends his money on or saves or anything.

I do have a friend who knows she is being proposed to 'soon' because her boyfriend is saving for the precise ring she has chosen - and she even knows how much he has in his saving account and they are quite open about it with each other! She knows what ring she is getting, she knows how much it costs....all she doesn't know is where and when it will happen. I am not sure if she actually has access to his savings account or if it is just that he is telling her about it - if she can see the account, it seems strange to me as she will see when it empties and know he has bought the ring! Still, they are happy and whatever works for you....

angelil

I paid 50% of the cost of my engagement ring.

We were both fairly skint, but considered it an appropriate way to get engaged seeing as we both considered ourselves to be equal in the relationship. My mother didn't approve, but oh well

This was only in 2009. To be honest I really don't see in this day and age why the man should have to foot the entire cost of the engagement ring. But then again perhaps I would say that given that we didn't have a traditional 'engagement': there was no big get-down-on-one-knee job, we just decided we'd like to get married! And we actually knew this very early on in the relationship so it wasn't exactly a revelation/surprise.

We have never had any joint bank accounts.

Teeniepops

It has been interesting reading the replies

It was never a post about COST - some people can afford nothing and some can afford thousands. I wouldn't condone getting into a stack of debt to buy a huge diamond for the fact of 'making a statement' - to me the ring is a gift not a reflection of wealth (ick).

I was just interested in whether girls would be bothered to contribute and whether guys would feel weird if this happened. To me, it is a physical token of the engagement you both agreed to. A ring isn't needed and if you don't want one then great. I was asking based on a 'typically a guy buys a ring to propose with' scenario.

Personally, I don't have an issue with the idea but my friend really does - it just sparked an interest in how the idea sat with others. Me and my OH spoke about it earlier - was curious how he felt. I said it wouldn't bother me whilst he seemed to prefer the idea of buying it though he saw why I wouldn't be bothered. He wondered why I didn't mind given 'tradition' and I said it was because we share everything and it seemed unfair for only me to get a symbol of the fact. He said to get him a guitar when the time arises

NOTE: we can talk about anything openly without it being misconstrued (I.e. he won't think it was a hint lol).

We have separate and shared accounts - paying 50:50 for costs like mortgage and bills. We each pay for our own cars. We have pocket money too and the rest goes into joint savings. Therefore, if my OH wanted to propose and wanted to get me a ring, it could be noticed (I do the banking).

Don't get me wrong...I wouldn't like a ring thrust under my nose with a 'Will you marry me' followed with a 'By the way, you owe me £X for the ring'. I may not mind sharing but I'm still a lady and romantic at heart

It was interesting to see who thought choosing a ring together V letting him pick. My sister pretty much dictated to her hubby what to get and that if it wasn't right she wouldn't be happy. I thought it a bit harsh as it was like conditions were set out. Whilst I agree that you wear it forever (based on perfect world scenarios again), it wouldn't matter if he got me a ring I wouldn't pick myself - it is a gift. He picked it. He thought of me when he picked it - it would still mean the same. I know some people who think it needs to be 'the perfect' proposal but if your OH has been swearing bullets, is skint, stressed you won't like the ring, worried you may not say yes...it won't be memorable to him for the right reasons...tradition is nice. Hollywooding it to death and killing romance by setting unrealistic targets to normal folk is not.

Nice to see differing views on the topic.

I'll end by saying I do feel sorry for men - I see the look of pure terror on their faces buying gifts at Christmas and have been approached by stressed looking men asking advice off anotherin John Lewis. I can imagine this is scary for many reasons - getting the shape right, metal right... I think I'm pretty chilled about the topic but knowing some girls who aren't, I'm glad I'm not a bloke!

74jax

I asked OH to marry me and he said no as we didn't live together (been together 5 years). We then moved in and he proposed a year later.

He didn't have a ring when he asked and it made no difference to us.

I wouldn't have offered to pay towards mine but I did ask if he wanted anything.

He then designed and had made my ring, no joint accounts for us and he sorted insurance so I didn't have a clue on cost.

islandgirl8

Person_one wrote: »

I think its madness to spend a big chunk of money on a piece of jewellery unless you're so loaded you won't miss it.

You're just as married after the wedding whether you had a diamond monstrosity from Tiffany's, a £20 costume ring from Accessorize or nothing at all.

I always feel this way about expensive weddings. You are just as married with a small inexpensive wedding. My engagement ring cost a bomb but it is gorgeous. I would much rather have a lovely engagement ring which will hopefully last a lifetime and become a family heirloom, than a big wedding...but that's just me.