Engagement - a question for the girls and the guys

Teeniepops

I have a question for you all. Well, two questions really; one for the girls and one for the guys...

Nowadays, it seems rare for a couple to get engaged/married ahead of living together. Most of my peers (I'm 30) live with their OH and did do before marriage (for those who are). Some had kids before marriage too...as isn't abnormal now.

Given this, it's *harder* for someone to save for an engagement ring without this money being missed/spotted etc from the household pot/budget. Even if you had shared and separate accounts, how many men would have their balls broken if they tried to save from their account for seeming to run out of 'their' money each month whilst trying to save for this?

Again from experience, couples seem to discuss marriage and it be known it is on the agenda at some point (though still wanted to have the special proposal).

Girls - would you consider contributing towards your ring?

I realise that an engagement ring is a gift and a token of his love. But if you and your OH had an equal, balanced relationship and shared finances, him saving separately would be noticed elsewhere anyway (I hope that makes sense).

Fellas - how would you feel if your OH offered to contribute to her engagement ring?

The practicality is harder as if you wanted to surprise your OH you can't ask for money ahead of it. However, a friend of mine bought a 'cheap' stand-in ring to propose and they then bought a ring together 50:50 from their savings.

I am just curious as had a chat with a friend recently and she felt it absurd to pay towards a ring though didn't see the irony when she said he could buy it from their shared savings account and ask her fast enough to not see the transaction (I say it is ironic as they out the same £ into that account each month). Unless she would see it fair to remove the sane amount from said account...

I personally wouldn't mind. It's not about the ring or value but him wanting to marry you - the ring is an outward sign. Nice, yes. The big thing? No. You're talking marriage...it's a partnership. Share everything. Note: I realise this is an ideal and clearly, this isn't always the case!

Thoughts?

claire16c

I chose my ring & my husband paid for it whilst I was there. We have joint savings so yes in our case I would have known how much he was hiding/ spending anyway. It doesn't bother me. To be honest I wanted to know because my husband is too nice & more liable to getting ripped off than me so was good to check we were getting a good price!

accountingbod

i proposed with a ring that i went out and bought which in the end my wife was not so keen on (wrong fit and shape)
It was a total pain in the ar*e to try to get a refund from the jewellers that i bought it from so be aware that some jewellers are funny about refunds (this was in London)

In the end i got a refund we went shopping together and she chose the ring she liked the most and was very happy with it.

I guess it depends on how much the ring contributes to the surprise because you could still propose and do something very romantic without a ring, or use a hula hoop as a substitute until you can pick one together

I would want to pay for the ring myself but if all our money was shared then i guess that we could pay for it together and it wouldnt bother me that much if she was happy with it.

It really depends what kind of girl she is as well!

sjlou

My husband proposed with a family ring, and then we went shopping together to get my "proper" engagement ring along side our wedding bands over a year later. And yes, it came out of our joint money. Once we moved in together and being engaged we had a joint account and all out funds were pooled. The dynamics changed over the years, at first I was the bread winner whilst he finished studying and completed his professional training. Now he is the main earner, and probably will be in the future more so when we have children.

He wanted to propose before we moved in together, we were in the process of buying our first house and so didn't have the funds to buy the ring he wanted.
I think a lot of men are worried about buying the "right" ring. If a woman wants a marriage the ring should matter so much!

brians_daughter

TBH its like xmas or birthdays in my head lol.

When i was with my ex we had joint finances,saivings etc and split everything. When it came to xmas and birthday pressies we always bought them from the joint 'present' savings account that we put x a month into - in effect we both contributed to our own gifts but it was never though oif like that!

Same with a ring, if you have joint finances then ultimately its coming from joint money, even if you dont think about it that way it is. Its money that would be used/saved elsewhere in the household. Obviously if you have your own finances then its you thats buying it.

It comes down to how you think about it. Also, im sure she would like to choose her own ring. I was adamant i wanted a big sparkly ring, when it came to it i just couldnt face walking found with £1000's on my finger and opted for an antique emerald and diamond ring that cost next to nothing!

You could buy a cheapy ring and propose with that. write a little note for in the box expalining its a stand in until she chooses a ring etc.

TBH best advice i can give is if you/anyone is thinking of committing to marriage you should already know how your/their oh feels about finances and how they would feel about how it was paid for etc

lovecake

Great questions! It is so tricky these days

In my case we had been living together for a few years and had talked about marriage and my OH new that I would want to choose my own ring. We went to the jewelers together and he told me what my budget was and I got to choose whatever I wanted. We have a joint account so I would have realised that he was saving money (although if he had wanted it to be a surprise he could have said he was saving for something else- holiday, guitar, new car etc. and I wouldn't have questioned it.)

As the ring wouldn't be ready for 6 weeks (it was being specially made) I still got to have the proper 'surprise' proposal as I didn't know when he was picking it up - the shop said they would keep it safe until he was ready to propose.

As far as contributing to the ring - I wouldn't have minded at all. But what we did instead is OH paid for the ring and I said I would buy him an engagement present as I didn't feel it was right for me to get something and not him. So as a surprise I bought him some recording equipment (he is a musician) and took him for a weekend away. I wanted us both to feel special on our engagement, not just me.

HTH

Dunroamin

I'm probably alone in this but it seems to me that, if you're living with someone and have a child together, getting engaged is pretty much redundant.

rachbc

My OH and I don't have shared finacnes - we each maintain our own accounts and contribute jointly to household expenses. Birthday and christmas presents for him i would save from my own money just as he would for me. OH sold something of his to pay for my ring - which we chose together after jointly deciding to get married.

I wanted to get Oh a watch for his engagement present but he didn't want one

stir_crazy

Oh had been dropping hints about getting married and eventually told me to get a ring (so romantic!!).
I picked my ring because he didn't think he would pick anything I like, although he has bought me rings since then and he has got good taste! It was bought from our joint finances. Then to make it fair, OH got to pick his and it was paid for from the same account.

We only share a bill paying account, which we overpay into so we have a joint "pot of money" for joint nights out, etc. Our savings accounts and current accounts are in separate names so I wouldn't have noticed if OH had been squirrelling money away.

Hermia

I wouldn't want a ring so probably would be a bit annoyed if a chap took lots of money from our joint budget to pay for it. I don't like wearing two rings at once so the engagement ring would just be sat in a box once I had a wedding ring so I think it would be a waste. I'd rather have some diamond earrings anyway!

Person_one

I think its madness to spend a big chunk of money on a piece of jewellery unless you're so loaded you won't miss it.

You're just as married after the wedding whether you had a diamond monstrosity from Tiffany's, a £20 costume ring from Accessorize or nothing at all.