Compliance Visit from DWP

FBaby

Fluffybug, I'm wondering if you are not a bit in denial, maybe it being a side of your mental health. What makes me say this is that you seem to be ignoring the fact that things were bad enough for you to call the police, not once, but twice. That is not 'normal' behaviour, not something that most families experience. If you felt threatened/threatening enough to do so twice, then clearly your family is dysfunctional and it was probably the right thing that SS got involved.

I am also reacting to you saying that SS are forcing you to take medication. This is not the case it would seem, but them telling you that you shouldn't do so without the agreement from your psychiatrist. This is actually very sound advice as indeed, no such medication should be stopped without it being supported by a physician. This is not medicine to be tampered with and it is up to your psy, discussing things with you to decide whether you should stop taking it.

Don't build yourself up to see SS as your enemy. Yes, they might not get everything right, but they are unlikely to get everything wrong too. As other posters have stated, do try to work with them rather than just complying to what they are imposing as your goal should not be only to get rid of them now, but to never need them to get involved again in the future.

princessdon

Fluffybug wrote: »

My children are fabulous. Well behaved, and have a great bedtime routine, well established, and neither has ever spent a night in my bed. Last night I was up all night as my youngest has an ear infection and a fever. Calpol wasn't helping and I couldn't get him any antibiotics until this morning.
Usually they sleep for 13-15 hours a night, straight through, my eldest occasionally wakes up to use the potty but that's it.
The problem is me. I can't switch off at night. There's too much in my head, and no amount of stress relief techniques or aromatherapy or calming music will help. And when I do get to sleep I'm unsettled and wake up frequently. When my husband stays over, even though I can't fall asleep with him as I used to, just knowing he's there in the house calms me and I get to sleep.
My eldest attends nursery for 6 hours a week over two days.
Unfortunately the main problem is the stresses caused by CS and my constant fear of having my children removed. It feels like they're this huge weight on my life.

There are 3 instances alone on here where you refer to your oh helping you with the children so you can sleep overnight and to your son needing a night time cuddle when they wake etc. it's not surprising I assumed you needed help when you provide info like that. Anyway I can't add anything so ill leave you to it. I have a feeling no matter what anyone says, it can't be of help.

Fluffybug

FBaby wrote: »

Fluffybug, I'm wondering if you are not a bit in denial, maybe it being a side of your mental health. What makes me say this is that you seem to be ignoring the fact that things were bad enough for you to call the police, not once, but twice. That is not 'normal' behaviour, not something that most families experience. If you felt threatened/threatening enough to do so twice, then clearly your family is dysfunctional and it was probably the right thing that SS got involved.

As previously stated, there were extreme circumstances at the time due to the unexpected death of a close family member. The stress and pressure I was under due to extraordinary circumstances caused problems for a very short period of time. I will not (I sincerely hope not, anyway) have to deal with something like that again, and so it was clear to everyone that this was a one-off period of extreme stress.

I am also reacting to you saying that SS are forcing you to take medication. This is not the case it would seem, but them telling you that you shouldn't do so without the agreement from your psychiatrist. This is actually very sound advice as indeed, no such medication should be stopped without it being supported by a physician. This is not medicine to be tampered with and it is up to your psy, discussing things with you to decide whether you should stop taking it.

The point is, I was told at my last appointment to stop taking it if I reacted badly. My GP has told me not to take it, but this isn't good enough for CS. They've made taking the medication a part of my working agreement, which is unfair as it was prescribed as optional, and I was also advised how to stop taking it if necessary.

Don't build yourself up to see SS as your enemy. Yes, they might not get everything right, but they are unlikely to get everything wrong too. As other posters have stated, do try to work with them rather than just complying to what they are imposing as your goal should not be only to get rid of them now, but to never need them to get involved again in the future.

As soon as this psychiatric review is done, they will have no valid reasons to lurk anymore, so I'm currently hanging on to that hope.

Fluffybug

princessdon wrote: »

There are 3 instances alone on here where you refer to your oh helping you with the children so you can sleep overnight and to your son needing a night time cuddle when they wake etc. it's not surprising I assumed you needed help when you provide info like that. Anyway I can't add anything so ill leave you to it. I have a feeling no matter what anyone says, it can't be of help.

Whilst I take on board what you say, my son waking up in the middle of the night is a rare occurrence to use the potty. He then asks for cuddles before going back to sleep. This happens maybe once every fortnight?
And my OH's help with the children is mostly just getting up with them in the morning so I can lie in while he's there and I can actually get a decent sleep.
Whilst I appreciate that you are trying to help, my intention with this thread was never to dissect my home life or CS, it was how to approach a compliance visit.

pmlindyloo

If you feel that you have been treated unfairly by Children's Services then you could contact your MP for help.

I do not know you and have no idea whether things have been done correctly or not.

At one time Social Services were very loathe to interfere in family life and this often led to children (and adults) being harmed. Nowadays it has been reported that Social Services can be too zealous - understandable in a way.

Calling the police to an incident where there are children involved will, I believe, automatically trigger a referral to Social Services.

If you are feeling that things have got out of hand then you really have 2 options.

Get some help from your MP.

Distance yourself from your OH - arrange visits another way - and wait out the time until you can be together.

In all probability your compliance visit is going to trigger some sort of action one way or another so now might be a good time to decide how to move forward rather than wait for your hand to be forced.

sunflower_2

my husband is forced to work away from home a lot so i understand how hard it is.

we have no control over when or for how long he will be away for - sometimes weeks, home for a day then away again. it is all down to his business and making enough money to keep his family comfortable and well fed.

i do not claim tax credits as a single parent - because even though he isnt here most of the time - we are still married and "together".

sorry OP - i honestly feel for you - but i dont believe for one second that you and your OH are not "physical" together.
no 2 people who love each other could resist such temptation.
maybe you dont spend the night in the same bed - but i would eat my hat if you dont snatch a few minutes alone together on a regular basis

the only reason your husband doesnt live at home is because he isnt allowed to temporarily???. whilst this sanction puts you in a truly awful situation - by no means does it make you "separated/single".

lets just hope the compliance officers think differently, i really dont think you could cope with any more stress

if they do consider you to as a couple - i cannot see them coming down very hard on you as it is pretty clear are not intending to defraud them in any way.

i think making a comparison of income/outgoings to prove you are not better off single would be a very good idea indeed.

good luck and i hope it all works out for you and your babies. xxx

p.s. do you know they are def coming as they think you are in a couple? it could be as simple as giving incorrect info accidentally?

LittleMax

Fluffybug - ignoring the trolls, there are an awful lot of people on here who have responded by urging you to co operate with Children's Services and asking you to try to see that you need some time apart from your hubbie.

I would ask you to think about our motivation for doing this. Are we all in a massive conspiracy with Children's Services.

None of us know you. All we have to base our feedback on, is what you, yourself have told us. We have asked you a series of questions and you have answered us bravely and honestly. We have then given you our thoughts on your situation based on information that you have given.

FBaby

As previously stated, there were extreme circumstances at the time due to the unexpected death of a close family member. The stress and pressure I was under due to extraordinary circumstances caused problems for a very short period of time. I will not (I sincerely hope not, anyway) have to deal with something like that again, and so it was clear to everyone that this was a one-off period of extreme stress.

But it isn't exceptional. Extreme stress can hit you at anytime and most families will be affected more than once in their lives. Thankfully, it doesn't result in SS needed to be involved.

I can totally understand how you might feel the whole thing has just turned into a total nightmare, and that it is all a big mistake, but sometimes, events that feel were just a one-off and therefore should be ignored are actually the start of worse to come.

Can you really say that you are confident enough that faced with another event leading to extreme stress, you would be able to cope and not react as you did last time? I assume that's what SS need reassurance on and why you need to work with them rather than try to do things your way within the boundaries.

Back to the benefit issue, the thing is, claiming benefits as a single person is purely a way of gaining additional finances on the basis that you do not have a partner willing to support his family any longer (on the basis of separation). The fact that you are forced to live separately doesn't change in any way the fact that your husband still wants to support you and his children, and nothing is stopping him from doing so financially. So why should you receive extra money from tax payers?

Fluffybug

pmlindyloo wrote: »

If you feel that you have been treated unfairly by Children's Services then you could contact your MP for help.

I do not know you and have no idea whether things have been done correctly or not.

At one time Social Services were very loathe to interfere in family life and this often led to children (and adults) being harmed. Nowadays it has been reported that Social Services can be too zealous - understandable in a way.

Calling the police to an incident where there are children involved will, I believe, automatically trigger a referral to Social Services.

If you are feeling that things have got out of hand then you really have 2 options.

Get some help from your MP.

Distance yourself from your OH - arrange visits another way - and wait out the time until you can be together.

In all probability your compliance visit is going to trigger some sort of action one way or another so now might be a good time to decide how to move forward rather than wait for your hand to be forced.

Thank you.
I will speak to my MP once CS are no longer involved. I don't want to aggravate them whilst they're still on my back for fear of them becoming ar*ey towards us all.

Fluffybug

sunflower wrote: »

my husband is forced to work away from home a lot so i understand how hard it is.

we have no control over when or for how long he will be away for - sometimes weeks, home for a day then away again. it is all down to his business and making enough money to keep his family comfortable and well fed.

i do not claim tax credits as a single parent - because even though he isnt here most of the time - we are still married and "together".

sorry OP - i honestly feel for you - but i dont believe for one second that you and your OH are not "physical" together.
no 2 people who love each other could resist such temptation.
maybe you dont spend the night in the same bed - but i would eat my hat if you dont snatch a few minutes alone together on a regular basis

Grr. Getting fed up with this now. We have not had sex since we separated for various reasons, but the fact remains that we haven't. Love and sex are not the same thing

the only reason your husband doesnt live at home is because he isnt allowed to temporarily???. whilst this sanction puts you in a truly awful situation - by no means does it make you "separated/single".

the problem is, whilst it's temporarily, it's also indefinitely. I do not know how long this will go on for. My CPP isn't even up for review until may. It could be upwards of a year before this rule is lifted, or it could be lifted before my next review if there's a miracle, I just don't know

lets just hope the compliance officers think differently, i really dont think you could cope with any more stress

if they do consider you to as a couple - i cannot see them coming down very hard on you as it is pretty clear are not intending to defraud them in any way.

i think making a comparison of income/outgoings to prove you are not better off single would be a very good idea indeed.

good luck and i hope it all works out for you and your babies. xxx

thank you

p.s. do you know they are def coming as they think you are in a couple? it could be as simple as giving incorrect info accidentally?

I don't know for sure, but it's what I suspect. I have phoned the compliance team who wouldn't give me a reason or even check my NINO to see if there were any notes or an explanation :S