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lilymay1

Perhaps he sent the text to a number of people? Or was it specifically addressed to you?

Copperplate

lilymay1 wrote: »

Perhaps he sent the text to a number of people? Or was it specifically addressed to you?

It said my name in it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Copperplate wrote: »

We have done that for our relative who died and they are aware of this. My Aunt and my Mum also laid a seasonal wreath on his parents grave in November.

When we visited his parents grave there were no flowers and my family's take on things is that they sent the picture to show that they do put flowers on the grave in case we thought they neglected it or something. Which we didn't think at all, we would never dream of judging and as I say it has been quite some time since my Uncle and Auntie died and so you don't expect fresh flowers to be on a grave every time you visit. Either way, I can't understand why they text ME the picture.

- because they know you're having a hard time of it and wanted to try and help.



Let it go because they tried to help. You aren't ready to appreciate it, they're trying to show they know how it feels, that they want to be closer to you.

They tried. You're bothered by it. But they tried - it wasn't malice. So appreciate the thought rather than the way they expressed it.

And let it go.

Copperplate

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

OP - this is my first Christmas without my mum - this time last year I was caring for her at home whilst she was dying (she died a few days later).

I absolutely know how painful I am finding this festive season -every day and everything hurts as it reminds me of my loss... this has made me very sensitive to how others are handling things.

Some of my family are getting on with things and having a great time, some are talking about it and some are avoiding the subject.

I guess what I am saying is that everyone handles things in their own way... your cousin may have thought that he could show empathy for your loss by showing that he is thinking of his loss and trying to share a moment.

Whatever the intention, it is very unlikely to have been done to upset you so I'd just let it go.

Don't try to discuss it further by text as it is so easy to misunderstand messages because they are just text with no emotion - look how you don't understand the text you've received from your cousin... you might make it worse by just sending a text.

If you really want to know why he sent the picture then just call him. Say thanks for the christmas message and ask how he's doing. Then just mention that you are having a hard time with memories etc and that certain things are difficult to see... and add that it was hard seeing the grave stone...

Really, I think the text and picture were well intentioned but I would probably just have a phone conversation about it if it really bothered me...

Best wishes

So sorry that you lost your mum only a year ago, this must still be a very sad time for you. I understand what you mean about people coping differently - my immediate family and I are experiencing that (and now my friend too) and its hard coping with your own grief and everyone elses.

I don't have the kind of relationship with him where we phone, any contact tends to be via other family, and then we will see them once a year or so when they or we are in the area. That's partly why I find the fact I got this text out of the blue strange. In a way, I would have rather a phonecall or a letter to say thinking of you as it wouldn't have been as shocking as - text from strange number, photo of grave, Merry Christmas Copperplate, thinking of you all x. With a text, you get it immediately and could be anywhere - especially when its something so personal/private/potentially upsetting and as it happened I was just about to go out and it did ruin my evening then as all the intrusive thoughts (i.e my relative's coffin being lowered into the ground, seeing the body, the last breaths etc) came flooding back. Basically, I agree with you texting can be taken the wrong way.

Sorry if that's tmi everyone. As I say, I am on the waiting list for the counselling to help with when these thoughts/images spring up.

splishsplash

OP, only you know what kind of person your cousin is. I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt and agree that he was ham-handedly trying to offer comfort, but really, !!!!!!?

I hope you feel much better soon, OP. Things do get easier eventually. Of course, they would get easier much quicker without weird text messages which freak you out...

I'm not sure what saying anything would get you though. If he's insensitive enough to think a text like that could be even remotely helpful, it's unlikely he will understand where you are coming from if you point out how upsetting you found it.

It really is a 'Nowt as queer as folk' moment, to be sure.

Copperplate

splishsplash wrote: »

OP, only you know what kind of person your cousin is. I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt and agree that he was ham-handedly trying to offer comfort, but really, !!!!!!?

I hope you feel much better soon, OP. Things do get easier eventually. Of course, they would get easier much quicker without weird text messages which freak you out...

I'm not sure what saying anything would get you though. If he's insensitive enough to think a text like that could be even remotely helpful, it's unlikely he will understand where you are coming from if you point out how upsetting you found it.

It really is a 'Nowt as queer as folk' moment, to be sure.

Thank you. Just seriously...Thank you. I was beginning to think it was just me and that actually its a perfectly normal (and even nice, sweet) thing to do to go around sending the recently bereaved random pictures of graves on Christmas Eve and then say Merry Christmas but you have touched on how I feel/felt - freaked out, upset and !!!!!!.

I'm not going to say anything because as you say, what is the point? I'm just going to pretend like it never happened BUT, it did upset me and now I'm over the initial shock/hurt part, I'm not going to lie (and I feel terrible saying this) but I am a little bit angry about it. But, yeah...not worth saying anything, don't want to cause any further upset.

Tiddlywinks

Copperplate wrote: »

I don't have the kind of relationship with him where we phone, any contact tends to be via other family, and then we will see them once a year or so when they or we are in the area. That's partly why I find the fact I got this text out of the blue strange. In a way, I would have rather a phonecall or a letter to say thinking of you as it wouldn't have been as shocking as - text from strange number, photo of grave, Merry Christmas Copperplate, thinking of you all x. With a text, you get it immediately and could be anywhere - especially when its something so personal/private/potentially upsetting and as it happened I was just about to go out and it did ruin my evening then as all the intrusive thoughts (i.e my relative's coffin being lowered into the ground, seeing the body, the last breaths etc) came flooding back. Basically, I agree with you texting can be taken the wrong way.

Sorry if that's tmi everyone. As I say, I am on the waiting list for the counselling to help with when these thoughts/images spring up.

I was there for my mum's death as well as her care in the last days and was personally responsible for some of the stuff that still gives me flashbacks so I know how you might be feeling as I have had to have counselling (still having it) to work through some of the images that keep coming back to me... but you have to understand that these things are within you and your cousin will not understand what you are going through.

I don't think the text was sent to upset you - probably quite the opposite - so please hang on to the fact that it was well meaning but just didn't hit the right note with you.

I do know from counselling that you have to let go of some of the negative stuff - just talking about that text over and over on this thread is actually making you relive stuff you want to forget... you are seeing the act through your own skewed view but try to understand that your cousin did something with the best of intentions. The fact that you don't have the kind of relationship where you do talk on the phone shows that he may not know you well enough to have judged how the picture would have been received.

You *need* to either let this go or discuss it with him - you don't seem to be accepting that we are all supportive of you whilst saying that no harm was meant.

Keep mulling this over is just making it worse...

miss_independent

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

I was there for my mum's death as well as her care in the last days and was personally responsible for some of the stuff that still gives me flashbacks so I know how you might be feeling as I have had to have counselling (still having it) to work through some of the images that keep coming back to me... but you have to understand that these things are within you and your cousin will not understand what you are going through.

I don't think the text was sent to upset you - probably quite the opposite - so please hang on to the fact that it was well meaning but just didn't hit the right note with you.

I do know from counselling that you have to let go of some of the negative stuff - just talking about that text over and over on this thread is actually making you relive stuff you want to forget... you are seeing the act through your own skewed view but try to understand that your cousin did something with the best of intentions. The fact that you don't have the kind of relationship where you do talk on the phone shows that he may not know you well enough to have judged how the picture would have been received.

You *need* to either let this go or discuss it with him - you don't seem to be accepting that we are all supportive of you whilst saying that no harm was meant.

Keep mulling this over is just making it worse...

Firstly, terribly sorry for the loss of your mother who you cared for and no doubt you did a brilliant job and she was very proud of you for caring for her in her final days.

With all due respect, I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to disagree with you. I think OP is actually doing well talking about it on here, and I can only guess because none of us know how she/he is feeling. She has already come to the point, through this thread and others opinions, where she/he has said she/he is going to let it go and "pretend it didn't happen", she/he has said that she/he sees maybe nothing was meant by it and that at this time they might be, for wont of a better word, hypersensitive. I don't see that OP has accused anyone of being unsupportive, in fact they have thanked nearly every post.

They are on a waiting list for grief counselling and they have had a set back, so they have reached out in maybe the only way they know how (although not the best way), on an internet forum. OP has already said that they are having to deal with the grief of immediate family members as well as their own. Maybe they just needed to vent, and I hope they haven't been scared of. Whilst there is a "need" to let it go, I'm sure OP will get there in their own time and in the meantime, I actually think they have a right to feel a bit annoyed by what was a silly thing to do. I think its a natural thing to feel and acknowledging that can help you to move forward.

But OP, I'd like to congratulate you for not acting on that anger and for, as you say, choosing to raise this in counselling rather than with your cousin who you no doubt care for and want to continue a relationship with. By posting on here, you seem to be trying to approach this level-headedly and that shows a lot of strength, also I admire that you are sensitive to the pain of others, including your cousin who you feel aggrieved by, despite the fact you are in a painful place yourself. Good Luck for the future to you.

gremlin

I think your anger may be misplaced with this.

If this had been done with malice I think you would have had experience of him being this way before.

I honestly believe that he, in a ham fisted way was trying to empathise with you. Maybe by saying I know you're grieving, this is how I cope at Christmas with my loss.

You are suffering and you will be over sensitive to all things - its natural.

Try not to be angry and try to see it as a kind gesture badly done. It might help you feel a bit better about it.

splishsplash

Copperplate wrote: »

Thank you. Just seriously...Thank you. I was beginning to think it was just me and that actually its a perfectly normal (and even nice, sweet) thing to do to go around sending the recently bereaved random pictures of graves on Christmas Eve and then say Merry Christmas but you have touched on how I feel/felt - freaked out, upset and !!!!!!.

I'm not going to say anything because as you say, what is the point? I'm just going to pretend like it never happened BUT, it did upset me and now I'm over the initial shock/hurt part, I'm not going to lie (and I feel terrible saying this) but I am a little bit angry about it. But, yeah...not worth saying anything, don't want to cause any further upset.

It was an inappropriate gesture coming from someone who sounds like he had the best of intentions but was so way off that it's almost a bit funny - or will be in years to come when you look back on this and think jeez, can you belieeevvveeee he did that?
For now, you are right to recognize this as being a little em, 'unconventional', you have every right to feel a little bit annoyed, but unless you know him to be unpleasant, just take it for what it is - a really BAD attempt to reach out to you, with nothing but sympathy and affection at the back of it.

I buried my father on Christmas Eve when I was 11, and my mother some years later before Christmas, so I'm painfully aware of how raw and broken things feel at this time of year. I've also had experience of the most bizarre reactions by other people and I have learned over the years to not react to these people until some time has passed and I can assess their intentions more clearly. Having said that, some people's intentions will forever remain a mystery to me.