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lilymay1

Any wrote: »

Does your OH and his mother also take pictures and send it out to people?
I.

If I have been to visit my daughters grave and have put fresh flowers on I sometimes take a picture and email to people who I think would like to see it; my husband if he isn't with me, my mother, a close friend. Come to think of it there is actually a picture of her grave on facebook.

OP, I think your judgement is clouded by your grief and I don't mean that in a nasty way. Best wishes for 2013 and I hope you get the help you need.

Copperplate

marisco wrote: »

Firstly I am very sorry for your loss. I hope when you start counselling sessions they help you through your grief and to find a positive way forward.

I think it is very strange that your Uncle sent a text message with a photo of a grave. Of course it would stir up all manner of feelings for you. Considering what you have been through it was an insensitive thing to do.

Would it help you to write to or speak to him about it and ask why he sent it to you? Is he normally an approachable kind of guy? Would he be able to see your perspective on this and understand how upsetting you found it? You know him best and the kind of reaction he is likely to give.

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Copperplate

Just to add, I don't want it to seem like I have no regard for his grief and the fact he lost his parents. I never knew my Uncle (he died when I was very young) but I know he was a wonderful man and my Auntie was a lovely woman and I cared about her alot. In fact, thats why I got more upset too when I saw the picture, knowing she isn't here either, another loved person we've lost over the years - another grieving family etc.

jetplane

Grief manifests itself in various ways and my advice would be to make an effort to let it go, whether it was thoughtless, deliberate or misguided, do not let this stop you moving forward. Whatever his motive your cousin got it wrong, but I wouldn't try to analyse it too much. You can talk about your reaction during your councelling where you can put it into perspective.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time, I lost both of my parents at xmas some years ago and it is still a difficult time for me. Everyone is planning the run up to christmas and looking forward to their own celebrations (rightly so) and sometimes have no insight or are simply too busy to consider how you are feeling. I can be very sensitive at this time and can misinterpret almost anything, I may even feel sorry for myself but I know I will look at it differently in January.

miss_independent

I think it was a pretty shocking, insensitive thing to do but agree he probably didn't mean to hurt you, its been a case of him not thinking things through properly. I wouldn't say its a normal thing to do to someone who has not only had someone they loved die but also you having witnessed the death of that person, I can understand you having flashbacks etc and not particularly wanting to be reminded of the death (but, I imagine, still wanting to be reminded of the person). Only you know him but when you said his wife tried to be a friend on Facebook maybe they were trying to reach out as you say. I don't know what you wrote but you said you were polite and thanked them so please don't think you offended them and this is why they sent the picture. Maybe they were going to send you the picture through Facebook.

But yes, not a nice thing to have happen to you on the first Christmas Eve after being bereaved. Well done for seeking help re the counselling. Hope you find the comfort you need. Eventually, you'll come to remember the happy times with the person and not all the horrible traumatic stuff you witness and experienced. Don't let this set you back.

Miss_Poohs

Perhaps he meant it with the best of intentions, but I agree it does seem like an odd thing to do.

People take comfort from all sorts of things and however weird maybe he thought you'd get comfort from it too.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm sure in time you'll earn to cope your own way.

Tiddlywinks

Copperplate wrote: »

I definitely don't want to upset him in return. By say something, I meant just text and ask why he sent me a picture of my uncle and auntie's grave as I didn't quite understand when I received the picture.

He hasn't ever even text me before hence me not knowing the mobile number when I saw it.

OP - this is my first Christmas without my mum - this time last year I was caring for her at home whilst she was dying (she died a few days later).

I absolutely know how painful I am finding this festive season -every day and everything hurts as it reminds me of my loss... this has made me very sensitive to how others are handling things.

Some of my family are getting on with things and having a great time, some are talking about it and some are avoiding the subject.

I guess what I am saying is that everyone handles things in their own way... your cousin may have thought that he could show empathy for your loss by showing that he is thinking of his loss and trying to share a moment.

Whatever the intention, it is very unlikely to have been done to upset you so I'd just let it go.

Don't try to discuss it further by text as it is so easy to misunderstand messages because they are just text with no emotion - look how you don't understand the text you've received from your cousin... you might make it worse by just sending a text.

If you really want to know why he sent the picture then just call him. Say thanks for the christmas message and ask how he's doing. Then just mention that you are having a hard time with memories etc and that certain things are difficult to see... and add that it was hard seeing the grave stone...

Really, I think the text and picture were well intentioned but I would probably just have a phone conversation about it if it really bothered me...

Best wishes

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It could be that it was a suggestion for something that could help you deal with the grief - he has found comfort in visiting the grave and decorating it for them for Christmas - and rather than a long text or five explaining this, he thought showing you what he had done, you would think it was a nice thing to do, and maybe do it yourself and get some comfort from it.



Is there a reason why you couldn't or wouldn't do this yourself? Oh, I see you have - but they didn't know that.

Copperplate

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It could be that it was a suggestion for something that could help you deal with the grief - he has found comfort in visiting the grave and decorating it for them for Christmas - and rather than a long text or five explaining this, he thought showing you what he had done, you would think it was a nice thing to do, and maybe do it yourself and get some comfort from it.



Is there a reason why you couldn't or wouldn't do this yourself? Oh, I see you have - but they didn't know that.

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Mojisola

People cope with their grief in many different ways. When people with very different ways of coping try to help others, the clash can hurt.

I expect he was sharing something that he had found helped him. Try not to be upset but appreciate that fact he thought of you.