Mods please delete

Copperplate

please could mods delete this thread

flutterby_lil

Sorry to hear you have had such a hard time lately filled with numerous deaths. God bless all.

I think your cousin means well and was just showing you how they decorated your aunt and uncles (his mum and dads?) grave. I don't see any malice in it, probably not thought through very well by him. Was he aware of the recent bereavement of your friends husband and other family member?

Well done on trying to stay positive on Christmas day.

There_Goes_Trouble

Sounds to me like he was trying to be thoughtful and got it very wrong. I expect he thought you might find the picture comforting and didn't realise how inappropriate it actually was. From your post it seems that you are not close in age or distance to your cousin so he probably had no idea how the picture would affect you. It doesn't sound malicious to me.

Do you say anything? Well that depends if you want to upset him in return I think. He might be mortified to know how badly he upset you. Personally I would leave it for now, but if he does it again I would say that while you really do appreciate the good thoughts and messages, you do find the pictures upsetting so would he please mind not sending them.

My best wishes to you, I hope the counselling starts soon.

mrcow

Absolutely 100% let it go.

There was nothing sinister in it.

Don't say anything about it and just move on in your own way as you are planning to do.

Some people take comfort in visiting and decorating graves. It's just their way. Just say nothing and no more will come from it.

Copperplate

flutterby_lil wrote: »

Sorry to hear you have had such a hard time lately filled with numerous deaths. God bless all.

I think your cousin means well and was just showing you how they decorated your aunt and uncles (his mum and dads?) grave. I don't see any malice in it, probably not thought through very well by him. Was he aware of the recent bereavement of your friends husband and other family member?

Well done on trying to stay positive on Christmas day.

Thanks. He was one of the pallbearers for our relative and he knows through his sister that we are struggling to cope. I just find it really odd, he has never sent a picture of his mum and dad's grave to us before - why now when we've only just had a big bereavement and why to me? And on a Christmas Eve?

ognum

I am sorry to hear of your loss, well done in recognising your need for some bereavement help, I hope it comes soon I know in my area CRUSE has a waiting list.

I like others have said do not think from how you describe him that your Uncle had bad intent, this is his way of grieving for his own relatives and perhaps he is recognising your loss by somehow showing you that your are both alike. This may not have been an appropriate way but he was acknowledging your loss through his.

I would suggest you don't tackle him at this stage about whether it was appropriate or not, wait until you have a quiet time in the future when you are in less turmoil and just chat about it then if you want to.

I hope your Christmas went as well as it could in the end and that you see light on the horizon for the future.

good_advice

Let it go
A lot of people visit graves over Christmas. To visit from people passed. We had it to. My husband had to visit graves to accompany his old mother. Given the choice I don't think he would have gone.

At our local crem they tie cards on a tree every year...

MIL put reeves on several graves...

Just let it go and say nothing, it will only upset you more.

Copperplate

There_Goes_Trouble wrote: »

Sounds to me like he was trying to be thoughtful and got it very wrong. I expect he thought you might find the picture comforting and didn't realise how inappropriate it actually was. From your post it seems that you are not close in age or distance to your cousin so he probably had no idea how the picture would affect you. It doesn't sound malicious to me.

Do you say anything? Well that depends if you want to upset him in return I think. He might be mortified to know how badly he upset you. Personally I would leave it for now, but if he does it again I would say that while you really do appreciate the good thoughts and messages, you do find the pictures upsetting so would he please mind not sending them.

My best wishes to you, I hope the counselling starts soon.

...................

There_Goes_Trouble

Copperplate wrote: »

he has never sent a picture of his mum and dad's grave to us before - why now when we've only just had a big bereavement and why to me? And on a Christmas Eve?

If he knows you're struggling with coping then he probably thought the picture would help. People who have never suffered with depression/anxiety/coping problems can often be extremely inappropriate just because they really don't understand, and are desperately thinking how they can help. He got it wrong, but the intention was genuine. Leave it for now and see if he does it again. If he does then a gentle word should fix it.

Copperplate

good_advice wrote: »

Let it go
A lot of people visit graves over Christmas. To visit from people passed. We had it to. My husband had to visit graves to accompany his old mother. Given the choice I don't think he would have gone.

At our local crime they tie cards on a tree every year...

MIL put reeves on several graves...

Just let it go and say nothing, it will only upset you more.

I know, we visit at Christmas, lay a Christmas wreath etc, I'd be more upset if they didn't visit lol! I think it was just the shock factor of getting a picture of a grave on my phone from a strange number on Christmas Eve...

Miss_Havisham

Personally I would just text him back wishing him a happy new year and something along the lines that he must miss his parents at this time of year (asssuming it was their graves in the photo).

Don't worry about it please. Good luck with your counselling

Miss H xxx