How do I stop messing up?

olibrofiz

My mum recently had a major strop saying that she didn't know why she bothered 'suggesting' what I should do as I never took any notice of her (after years of me trying to be a 'good girl' and bowing to their wishes). For the first time ever I smiled and told her that I welcomed her thoughts, and would consider them, but ultimately it was up to me what I decided to do as I was an adult.

Hope your doggie will be ok Katy - I'm waiting to take mine as well, got an appointment at 5.10, the earliest they could fit us in

KxMx

Ah yes that's another one you may have to contend with, being painted as the villain when they are the ones in the wrong. Nothing like deflecting the blame so they can play the "woe is me" card.

January20

katy721 wrote: »

I have always been taught to be polite and to not get involved in arguments, so I suppose that's why I don't fight my corner much. I am constantly being told I make excuses for things, that is my main flaw apparently. I can't accept being wrong and have to justify or excuse everything.

I suppose that answers your question January.

The others are treated differently. The youngest is left pretty much to do as they like as they are settled down in a happy relationship, stable job etc. The middle child lives a good distance away and also works shifts so contact is limited there anyway. They are the golden child as they have the job most suited to bragging to friends! They also used to be the worst behaved as a kid/teenager and so have turned their life around.

Both siblings are financially independent and quite well off. I am the one with the debts due to going to university which I funded myself by working 2 jobs and borrowing money from here, there and everywhere.

The best decision I ever made was getting the dog, and that is one I made myself and kept quiet! I was advised against it as I wasn't responsible enough and couldn't cope with the commitment. I didn't tell them I had got him until he was settled at home, and then invited them round for tea and they had a big fury shock meeting them at the door!

2 years on and he is the best thing that has happened to me (although he is currently poorly and I am worrying myself silly waiting to get in to the vets in a couple of hours )

So, the best decision in your life is the one that you made yourself, without telling them, without their influence?! It says it all really!

I think this should become your mantra: the best decision I ever made, I made by myself, without anybody else's opinion!

I hope the second best decision in your life is this house you've just moved in.

And I hope you doggie is ok.

Hermia

meritaten wrote: »

katy - it worries me that you think your parents have 'stopped' you from making 'wrong' decisions.
were those decisions wrong for you or for your parents?

And TBH the wrong decisions can often teach you as much as the right decisions. It's often through dealing with the wrong decisions we make that we learn about ourselves and about what we want. I think someone who had never made a wrong decision is someone who has lived a very limited life. I know a woman at work who hates the town she lives in. She has been researching other places to live for 2-3 years, but she hasn't moved because she is worried she will make the wrong decision. So, she carries on living in a town she hates because she is crippled with indecision.

I think the trick to dealing with manipulative parents is to just come up with answers that acknowledge what they have said so they can't come back at you. Hard, I know.

Parent: There is no point you enrolling on that course. You aren't academic enough and it will be a waste of money.
Child: Actually, I do meet the entrance requirements. And I only have to pay one term at a time. I have already saved for that term so it won't be the end of the world if I decide not to carry on with the course.

Hermia

P.S. And if you have manipulative parents you must try to tell them as little about your life as possible. It's better to tell them about a decision after it's been made rather then involve them from the start.

fredtheguava

Can you do a budget and decide upon a regular amount to save AND give them each month? I know I feel guilty when I owe my parents money and end up not telling them stuff because I've decided to get a new phone contract or whatever when I owe them a few hundred.

I see from your signature that it's a bit more than a few hundred, but maybe the fact that you keep borrowing back what you've paid them makes them think you're not managing? If you make a commitment to a certain amount each month and pay that, faithfully, without having to ask for it back they might start to back off? You're in a cheaper house now and while you may not have settled there, it means things are a little easier on you financially for the next few months.

Wellyboots6

They want anything I have left over after bills etc each month which is understandable due to the amount I owe.

I could set up a direct debit to a savings account and count it as another 'bill' though I suppose.

I am hoping the cheaper house will help, although I would have to stay here a while to make it worth it. Will have the final bills etc from the old house and paying my deposit, first months rent, admin fees etc here to sort out in the first few months.

Wellyboots6

Oh, and dog seems to be feeling a little better today, but I won't be when I get the vets bill in a bit

January20

So they know the ins and outs of your budget? bad! very bad! Time to be a bit more evasive about your finances katy. For your own sake.

You may owe them a lot of money katy but you are not a little girl any more! They want everything that is left at the end of the month? This has made me so angry on your behalf! It's another way of nosing in your finances. Couldn't you have a set amount that you give them each month - regardless?

I would definitely advise you to set up a direct debit to a savings account and count it as a bill. And they don't need to know about it!

mountainofdebt

January20 wrote: »

So they know the ins and outs of your budget? bad! very bad! Time to be a bit more evasive about your finances katy. For your own sake.

You may owe them a lot of money katy but you are not a little girl any more! They want everything that is left at the end of the month? This has made me so angry on your behalf! It's another way of nosing in your finances. Couldn't you have a set amount that you give them each month - regardless?

I would definitely advise you to set up a direct debit to a savings account and count it as a bill. And they don't need to know about it!

Actually Katy's post could be read another way - that her parents have said said to her that at the end of the month all she needs to repay them is what she has in her bank account, whether that be £1 or £100, so theoretically they aren't pushing their noses in but obviously they know by default, as to what sort of month she's had!

To be honest I do think that by owing her parent's this money, Katy isn't completely free of them so it sounds as if a wander to the debt free wanabee board may be useful although I do agree by paying them back a set amount per month would be a good idea