How do I stop messing up?

arbroath_lass

Katy - you may or may not have made a mistake. It seems you only think you have because your parents TOLD you!

I agree with Anastacia she has said it better than I could.

I really don't think you always make bad decisions I think your parents telling you you are wrong is what makes you feel that it can't possibly work.

Think how good it would feel if you could prove them wrong and make it work in your new home.

Move in and give it a go. If it doesn't work so what? We ALL make mistakes. At least you'll find out what you didn't like so you can find something better next time.

Good luck!

Wellyboots6

Thanks for all your replies, including the well needed kicks up the bum

I have moved in now, and its not so bad.

First night here on my own tonight as boyfriend has been staying, but it should be fine.

Going to go and knock on the neighbours doors tomorrow to say hello and give them my number for if there are any dog barking problems while I am out. I have seen both sides very briefly as they disappeared indoors but haven't spoken to them yet.

Also the lady I used to live next door to at the old house is coming round for a cup of tea next week.

I saw her the other day as I was moving stuff out and she begged me not to go (not what I needed when I was already having a wobble!). She is worried about being lonely, and so I said she could come and see me at the new place if she needed a chat.

So far so good and thanks again

Wellyboots6

Also, regarding the controlling parents thing, I suspect there may be some truth in that.

I was thinking about my finances, and I owe them a lot of money. That is to their advantage. I pay back anything I have spare each month to them, but that then means if anything goes wrong with my car etc I have to borrow back off them as I have no savings.

That in effect means that I am never going to be independent from them until I have cleared my debt with them and built up my own savings, which won't happen the way things are going.

I have decided that I am going to start squirreling away some savings, so I don't need to borrow any more and hopefully my debt should start coming down rather than being quite constant.

I didn't see much of them for a couple of months a while back, and I made quite a bit of progress with various decisions as I didn't fear the come-back. They then made me feel guilty, saying that I only cut contact with them when I am up to something (I dread to think what they think I am doing!) and so I increased contact again to stop them suspecting something that wasn't going on!

I don't for a minute think they do this maliciously or on purpose, but it is maybe something I need to be aware of and try and work with.

January20

Katy, well done! On moving in and on thinking a bit more about your situation.

I had noticed the amount you owe your parents in your signature and I winced when I read it but decided not to mention it because it's none of my business, and it wasn't the focus of the thread, but you are right, they have you over a barrel!

I know the advice on this site is to pay debts first and then save up, but when I was in debt, I started saving a bit of money for the reasons you mention: if you have no savings, how do you pay for the unexpected bill? Put in on a cc and get into even more debt? Ask you parents and then allow them an input in your life?

How old are you kati? and are you an only child? I'm asking because comments from your parents like saying "you are only seeing them less because you are up to something" is the kind of comment I would expect from a parent about a child: ie if they're quiet they're up to no good! It's is not a comment I would expect from parents who respect their adult daughter and her right to her own (private) life, without them knowing all the ins and out! How do you put up with it?

meritaten

katy - it worries me that you think your parents have 'stopped' you from making 'wrong' decisions.
were those decisions wrong for you or for your parents?
It is your life sweetheart, your decisions are for you not them.
you are now an adult and quite honestly your post makes me think you are not thinking of what YOU want - but what your parents would want.
I dont want to shout - but, ITs Your Life!

Wellyboots6

I am nearly 30 and the eldest child.

I am the only child that went to university which parents assumed we would all do, but siblings have respectable jobs that people have heard of. Noone ever knows what I do!

January20

katy721 wrote: »

I am nearly 30 and the eldest child.

I am the only child that went to university which parents assumed we would all do, but siblings have respectable jobs that people have heard of. Noone ever knows what I do!

The eldest child! Poor you! (I am the eldest child too lol)

I wonder if your personality lends itself to being emotionally "manipulated" by your parents? I know that sounds awful but I think about my relationship with my parents and they treat me in a way they wouldn't treat the others sometimes because a) the middle child is their favourite so can do no wrong and b) the youngest child would tell them where to go :rotfl: I'm too soft and too polite. Would it be the same for you or do your parents treat you all the same way?

Of course, it could just be because you are different to the others ie went to university, have a not well known job and deep down they are afraid of losing you, or they don't understand you so they like to keep tabs on you. Whatever it is though, it might be a good idea to take small steps to assert your independence from them, financial or otherwise (no need to do what I did and move to another country :rotfl:)

olibrofiz

Ah Katy, stop thinking you're making bad decisions and messing up. I didn't see from your posts that either of those applied. You're not 'hiding things' either - your parents need to realise you're an adult, and that you won't share every idea or decision with them. *

I've tried to type a reply two or three times, but it never reads right, & don't really know what I'm trying to say here. I have many regrets over how my parents used emotional blackmail to prevent me from doing things. Backing down from a decision I'd made always left me feeling i was stupid/thoughtless/selfish/inconsiderate to even consider doing whatever it was.... and really mad at myself that I'd backed down. It was always a two edged sword.

Mostly with my parents it was minor things, but there were a couple of major things I allowed them to talk me out of when I was late 20's early 30's - my life would be very different and I regret to this day that I allowed them to do that.

Enjoy your new house, and if you still don't feel settled in a few months look around for a new place to rent xx

* EDIT: I didn't 'share' the beginnings of my 3 house moves until it was too far into the process to back out....and when I got a dog, wow, they wouldn't set foot in my house for 6 months, haha, bit of peace

Wellyboots6

I have always been taught to be polite and to not get involved in arguments, so I suppose that's why I don't fight my corner much. I am constantly being told I make excuses for things, that is my main flaw apparently. I can't accept being wrong and have to justify or excuse everything.

I suppose that answers your question January.

The others are treated differently. The youngest is left pretty much to do as they like as they are settled down in a happy relationship, stable job etc. The middle child lives a good distance away and also works shifts so contact is limited there anyway. They are the golden child as they have the job most suited to bragging to friends! They also used to be the worst behaved as a kid/teenager and so have turned their life around.

Both siblings are financially independent and quite well off. I am the one with the debts due to going to university which I funded myself by working 2 jobs and borrowing money from here, there and everywhere.

The best decision I ever made was getting the dog, and that is one I made myself and kept quiet! I was advised against it as I wasn't responsible enough and couldn't cope with the commitment. I didn't tell them I had got him until he was settled at home, and then invited them round for tea and they had a big fury shock meeting them at the door!

2 years on and he is the best thing that has happened to me (although he is currently poorly and I am worrying myself silly waiting to get in to the vets in a couple of hours )

KxMx

It's awfully hard making a stand against manipulative parents, you feel bad for hurting their feelings and they play on that by using hurt looks, puzzled faces and emotional blackmail.

But in the end it is worth it, it gets to a point where you realise their behavior towards you is wrong and you have to be the one to change the dynamic because they are not sadly going to change by themselves.

It takes a hard heart and alot of persistence but in some cases you can succeed, my own Mother and I have a much, much better relationship after months of me tackling her. I never thought some of her behavior would ever end so it is amazing to me now that I have managed to get it to stop. She went from quizzing me night and day about everything to admitting she had treated me badly!

PS: I hope your doggy is ok!