How do I stop messing up?

Wellyboots6

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Sometimes us parents can see why a particular course of action shouldn't be followed and it frustrates the hell out of you when your child seems hell bent on still driving to that cliff but I've come to the conclusion that sometimes they need to drive over the cliff to grow up.

I am starting to come to the conclusion that it isn't so much the course of action they object to, rather the fact that I have chosen a course of action without consulting them first.

I sound like such a teenager!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

katy721 wrote: »

Well, I made myself spend the morning in the new house trying to be positive about it and moving all my stuff in to try and make it home.

Absolutely hated it.

Am now back in the old house with no furniture or heating, internet due to be disconnected at midnight to be transferred to the new house, and wondering what on earth I am doing!

I have tried so hard today to be positive about the new house but I feel so uncomfortable there. Even with all the lights on and the radio on and the dog stuck to my side I still feel uncomfortable there.

I must sound like a right fruit loop!

I have sat down this evening and written out the pros and cons list. The pros of moving outweigh the cons hugely, but for some reason I just cannot make myself do it.

I'm so sorry I feel I have to do this - but you need a proper talking to.

GROW UP.

You're stamping your feet and wailing that it isn't fair, like you've been told you have to share a perfect princess bedroom with a 7 year old little brother whose main interests in life are bogies, bottom burps and keeping pet slugs in your Barbie Townhouse.


You are very lucky you aren't having to hand your dog into a rescue centre because you can't find anywhere that accepts animals. You can afford the rent. You passed the credit check. It isn't infested with cockroaches and squatters in the flat below.


STOP ACTING LIKE A TEN YEAR OLD.



Move in, start looking for somewhere else in January. Spend December finding nice walks for the dog.


And STOP WHINING.



It will be fine, you don't have to be there for more than 26 weeks if you don't want to. By then you might realise just how good it is.

Either way, get on with it and stop hoping for Prince Charming, your Fairy Godmother or Mum and Dad to come and rescue you.

Wellyboots6

Proper talking to accepted

mountainofdebt

katy721 wrote: »

I am starting to come to the conclusion that it isn't so much the course of action they object to, rather the fact that I have chosen a course of action without consulting them first.

I sound like such a teenager!

When you say consulting what do you mean exactly?

Do you mean asking their permission or do you mean that they object to you deciding on a course of action but at some point it needs imput from them ?

And in fairness you musy have at least have liked somthing about the house at some point to sign up for it

Wellyboots6

I think I may mean asking their permission, although it isn't nice to think of it like that. Someone mentioned recently that they thought my parents were very controlling, in an emotional sense. I am not sure if that is the case though or if it is just misinterpretation of things they do.

Like I said before, I did like something about the house. Financially I would be a lot better off! Over the past couple of years I have made huge improvements in sorting myself out and trying to get control of my finances after some pretty rough experiences. This was going to be the next stage of my master plan to become debt free!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

katy721 wrote: »

Proper talking to accepted

You will be fine.


Now, how about thinking about some of those dog walking places and how it will be exciting for the dog to have new places to sniff about?

Wellyboots6

Good idea Jojo, only the new house is just down the road! That was another pro of this house, he will still get to see all his mates on his walks

mountainofdebt

katy721 wrote: »

I think I may mean asking their permission, although it isn't nice to think of it like that. Someone mentioned recently that they thought my parents were very controlling, in an emotional sense. I am not sure if that is the case though or if it is just misinterpretation of things they do.

Like I said before, I did like something about the house. Financially I would be a lot better off! Over the past couple of years I have made huge improvements in sorting myself out and trying to get control of my finances after some pretty rough experiences. This was going to be the next stage of my master plan to become debt free!

Well speaking as someone who may be seen as a controlling mum sometimes we need to be made aware of our failings as well as being able to point out our children's mistakes as well.

For me, I would feel the need to be less 'controlling' and alot happier about some of his decisions if when I asked Junior questions I felt that he had thought of all the pros and cons of a particular situation.

As far as the house is concerned why not see it as a means to an end? Ok it may not be buckingham palace but its katy's palace !

anastasia666

Katy - can I jsut say, as someone who grew up with a very controlling grandmother, your problem is not yourself or your decisions. It is the fact that your parents seem to want to control what you're doing. I apologise if I've misread this, but from everything you've typed, your parents keep putting you down and telling you that you're making bad decisions. This is to keep you under control and have you so insecure that you think you're unable to make a decision.

Whatever decision you make will be the right decision. There are not good or bad decisions. It's what right for you at the time. If you make a mistake, so what. Learn from it and move on. but don't ever let anyone berate you for the decision you made.

I used to be a little like you. I was controlled and everntually I had to stand up to them and have pretty much cut them out of my life. I'm not usggesting that your family are that bad or that you have to be that drastic, but seriously - if you make a mistake they should support and say 'oh well, never mind' they should not be making you feel liek you're incapable of making a decision, adn they sure as hell shouldn't need to be consulted about anything in your life. If you wish to ask their opinion then great, but it's your life. You're not a child.

As for the house, I really don't think the house is the problem here, it's because you think you can't make a decision. You're sad to leave your other house and you're worried that everyone will think you've made the wrong decision - they didn't want you to take the house, so in your mind you feel it must be the wrong place and you've made a bad decision. This is nonsense.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh, as I don't mean to be. But seriously hun, we get one life. You can't live it in fear. If it's the wrong decision, then in 6 months you find somewhere else. You can't keep making everything such a huge thing in your mind. I used to do that. It's why I stayed with my husband for a lot longer than I should've done. I was scared - what if I end up alone, what will other people say, what if it's the wrong decision, etc etc.

londonsurrey

You don't need to stop messing up - you need to learn the confidence that when something goes a bit wrong, you are capable of sorting it out to your satisfaction.

I have a variety of what you have. I had a controlling narcissistic mother who was always telling me I was inadequate.

So no matter what I do, if the slightest thing goes wrong, I have at the back of my head this refrain of "HAH! I told you it wouldn't work out! You always mess things up!".
I exist in unnecessary chronic mental pain, which the rest of the world has no idea about.

Whereas a child who with normal loving parents who breaks a plate would be told that that wasn't clever, but never mind, do better next time, and let's clean it up nicely.

Do you know how they train elephants? They put a short chain on its back legs when it's young. The elephant can walk, but not run. After a while, they remove the chain. The elephant doesn't even try to run.