Need some advice probably just a rant really

Errata

Your boss is a crook and defrauding the government and you're in collusion with him. When it hits the fan, don't expect to get away with it - you won't.

FBaby

It sounds to me like your partner wants a companion out of you rather than a committed partner, ie. he wants his cake and eat it. He has always been spoilt and continues to be so. He seems to have fallen into the convenient process of enjoying his life with you by his side, and only shows some sign of -false- commitment when you kick a fuss, so you can be reassured for some time that things are moving along, until your expectations settle down and he can get on with his nice, commitment free life....

This is very hard because I assume he also has many qualities that makes you love him and it is hard to leave someone who isn't a bad person, who you love and somehow brings you happiness, but at the same time, if after all this time you are still where you are in the relationship, you need to start asking yourself where you are going....

In the end, you can either accept things are they are if you can accept a relationship based on companionship. Or you can decide that the relationship is worth fighting for, and accept that you will need to put a lot of efforts into it to very very very slowly get him to take baby steps towards commitment (I have know very reluctant men finally getting there after a lot of patience and perseverance!), or you can decide that you can't live with only companionship or taking the risk that things will never change and free yourself.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

I
In the end, you can either accept things are they are if you can accept a relationship based on companionship. Or you can decide that the relationship is worth fighting for, and accept that you will need to put a lot of efforts into it to very very very slowly get him to take baby steps towards commitment (I have know very reluctant men finally getting there after a lot of patience and perseverance!), or you can decide that you can't live with only companionship or taking the risk that things will never change and free yourself.

Whichever you decide - get him to pay his share of expenses and then spend some of it on counselling so that you learn why you're choosing men who take advantage of you. It will either help you to improve the current relationship or help you to pick someone better next time around.

LannieDuck

Wow.

New year, new start. You're obviously deeply unhappy both at home and at work. Make a resolution to finish 2013 with a life you're happy with.

1. Stop paying OH's car bills. You can get this one sorted today. What will happen if you don't pay? Tell him you're cancelling your DDs/SOs and if he still chooses not to pay, it's his problem, not yours.

2. Talk to the CAB (or other legal advice) about your work situation. You've uncovered fraud, and you need to take steps immediately to ensure you don't become complicit in that fraud. If you don't do anything, you're being complicit.

3. You may very well need to quit your job. Ramp up your job hunt - January is a great time to do this. If you've been running a business on minimum wage for years, you have great transferable skills and should even be able to get a pay rise.

4. Decide whether you want to stay with OH. Don't assume you can't leave. Decide first whether you want to stay or go, and deal with the problems later. As a PP said, OH's parents may very well be willing to reimburse the money you've spent on the property (do you have receipts) in order to allow a clean break.

gixer750

well as your boss for one has put you in a really bad situation, maybe its time to negotiate not argue, you can work this too your advantage, he makes you 50% partner all drawn up legally and you dont tell police, suggest he comes silent partner and u run business, more money and a job you love, then stash money away for your own place, bad situ becomes good, less stress and dont tell b/f......you win after 7yrs :0)

Treevo

You realise that by only paying tax on part of your earnings that you're committing fraud too?

persa

Having such serious problems at home and work is bound to make it difficult to think straight, not that matters of the heart are ever easy to make a decision about. Is it at all possible for you to spend some time away from your OH and your job - a couple of days holiday or a weekend spent hiding somewhere?

Re your OH, you already know this deep down, but money is not a reason to stay with someone. Forget the house. Even if his parents keep the small amount of 'equity' you've paid in - how much are you losing each month by subsidising their son?

Age is also not a reason - you sound fairly miserable and if things don't change, are you sure you would feel better being in a bad relationship than being on your own? It's never too late to get out, if that's what you really want.

So what do you really want? Does your OH do things to try and make you happy? Do those things actually make you happy?

Couples can work harder at appreciating each other and staying together, but people don't fundamentally change. If the things you dislike about your OH are deeply ingrained, it's either a case of put up or shut up. Are you prepared to put up with things or would another 10 years of things staying the same be too much for you to bear?

Onto work.

What your employer has done is illegal. You need to do something about this. CAB would be a good start - and just remember, if things do go belly up, you could potentially claim some benefits. Money is important, of course it is, particularly when you don't have any - but you need to think about yourself and your position rationally and protect yourself from getting blamed for your boss's wrongdoing.

Remember, it doesn't matter how bleak things are right now or how you ended up in this hole, with a plan and a bit of determination, you can climb out of it and then sod the past. Make 2013 your year.

esmf73

If this was your best friend, what would you advise?

Look for different job initially?
Cut your losses?
Speak to parents in law about how their bailing out is affecting the relationship?
Get other half to go for counselling?

You know what you would advise if you think about it. Good luck

FatVonD

dizzydonkeys wrote: »

I have stated stuff needs to change and fast, I have threatened the police (and more - the stuff I know now would see him more than locked up prob for rest of his life). He knows if I walk he is stuffed as I deal with the sales and marketing/build and update website, customer services everything - still waiting on my promised payrise tho :rotfl:
Without me he knows there is no business he has gone from a few hundred quid a month profit to 20k+ pure profit hence living high life.

In that case you need to set up a rival business (and cancel the deal with Royal Mail, which shouldn't be a problem if it's in your name.)

Do you have a paper trail of the money you've been paying to your b/f's parents to prove how much you've paid? I also can't work out if you paid the money you'd saved for a deposit as a chunk at the start or if you've just paid £2,000 plus paid for renovations?

If you've spent money on renovations and they refuse to give you that back is there enough room for you to move to a separate bedroom (or rent it out to someone else if you move out?) until you reach the point that you own 50% and can sell it to reclaim your money? Living with a stranger may persuade them to buy you out at a figure that is fair.

dizzydonkeys

sorry not been back before, doggy taken poorly and needing emergency operation - typical.

I think some people are missreading or misunderstanding the work situation - I am not coercing a criminal, I had no idea and only found out on Friday - I am being paid my wage less tax, pay slips correct when I get them but he/or whoever are telling tax man I only work like 2 days a week or something therefore not earning enough to pay tax s he doesnt have to pay them - least I think anyway.

I know I am definately recieving the figure after tax and payslips reflect this - therefore if I hadnt been snooping in private paperwork would in fact be none the wiser. So do take exception to being called a criminal too and that I will be caught etc etc - I havent done anything wrong but am aware I need speak to someone with regards to this.

RE house, yes spent best part of 20k on renovations and agreed to pay the in laws 30k towards purchase price, all reciepts available and they were activly involved in whole thing so know where every penny went - the 2k is the so far monthly payments from the 30k.

Strangely enough OH been very attentive since I started this post - wonder if he been reading it lol - well good take note I CAN and WILL be leaving if not a dramatic change and fast!

I am feeling much more positive as it happens and that's thanks to all you lot :A
Even applied for a new job so hopefully things will seem much brighter in the New Year:D