Need some advice probably just a rant really

dizzydonkeys

ok, this is going to be a long one so bare with me and apologies in advance.
Don't really expect any replies just need to 'talk' to someone.

Live with OH of 6 1/2 yrs, own a house together, no children. Life is 'OK' I guess, am finally debt free (OH has never had any debts) and house is technically mortgage free.

We (read I) decided 2 yrs ago wanted to buy a house instead of renting (I needed some form of security) OH initially not keen but then decided good idea when found this place. I worked 2 jobs 18 hours a day for 14 months to save deposit - OH saved nothing, OH's parents upon us finding this place bought it outright.
Que much arguing as point was the house would be 'ours' not his as per the rented house, his parents finally agreed I could repay them a percentage of the purchase amount, the rest is OH's.

Paperwork is in both our names and a deed of trust in place, I wanted to have this, they were happy to go on word and trust. I had to battle and battle as concerned I would end up with nothing should anything go wrong in our relationship. I wanted OH and myself to get a mortgage properly on the property but the 'In Laws' didnt want us to be paying interest. Very kind of them but not helpful.

Now don't get me wrong was a lovely thing to do but OH is an only child and a bit of a miracle, much older parents etc - so is spoilt rotten - he gets debts - they pay it off - gets everything he wants etc etc. We were wanting to go on holiday first yr or so together, I had saved some money - he hadnt so parents gave him 1k to go and he asked me why I hadnt saved the same as he wouldnt go on a 'cheap' holiday.
I on other hand have no family to rely on, dad left when I was 13, mum passed away when was 15 so have had myself and thats it no one to bail me out - so I live frugally and appreciate every penny.
Dont get me wrong had massive debts - college etc but have paid them all off in last year by working every hour God sends.

Before we moved here he paid rent on our cottage - started at £280 a month ending at £380 a month by time we moved here, I paid all the bills/food etc, also ended up paying his car insurance/tax as he never had any money. I also lent him some money when we first met as he needed fix his car or something but didnt want to ask his parents - promised would pay me back for these things at a weekly amount.

Now we have moved I am paying his parents £500 a month to pay my share of the house plus bills food etc - which OH doesnt see a problem with - so I am feeling a bit bitter about it all - I love him with every fibre of my being. But it had been agreed he would pay half bills/food etc as I physically couldnt pay his parents and everything else (only just earn over minimum wage) but I just cant seem to get money out of him - says he cant afford it. Am lucky to get £200 a month from him - am also still paying his car insurance/tax etc dispite threatening not to bother unless he pays me first I darent.
He refuses to set up standing order for set amount each week so I have to rely on him 'remembering' to give me cash. It is frustrating because I feel I am nagging all the time but am seriously depleting my savings and prob going to get back in debt and it terrifies me - OH tells me I shouldn't spend so much!!
I buy nothing - never go out etc etc, I have a pony but have had her 19 yrs and she costs me minimal money - he goes out 3 nights a week and drinks at home every eve (not drunk drunk but few bottles cider - small ones).

I have tried talking to him but apparently I am over reacting or being stupid so never actually get any sense from him - I think he knows that I would work 24hrs a day to make sure bills are paid if needs be so he sort of thinks I am making empty threats when ask for money.

To top it all our love life has suffered alot over last four yrs, I fell accidently pregnant 18 months into relationship, had MC anyway as expected due to medical issues but OH totally over reacted, said too soon for baby I would prob run away with kid so his parents couldnt see it etc etc and refused to sleep with me for nearly 2 yrs after for fear of this (tho only just been told this is the reason) I think that an excuse as he run out of other reasons - as is now four yrs later am lucky if we sleep together once a yr and then it is only if I threaten to leave.

He has recently told me also he doesnt believe in children outside of marriage, but he also doesnt believe in marriage either (and would appear sex out of marriage is a no no too) I got upset and said I wished he had told me all this before i.e yrs ago instead of stringing me along, marriage and kids surely logical next step - but alas no. despite fact he let me choose (and he bought) an engagement ring - never got round to proposing but says he will one day - I have said ring should go back as engagement is an intention to marry - he says he did it to keep me happy/quite. Am gutted he couldn't just be honest with me first off then would of known.

I feel a bit like I have wasted nearly 7 yrs of my life with a man I actually don't know at all. We are both in our 30's so not children - granted not over the hill either but still. Every penny I owned went on sorting this place out and now I am stuck, I wanted a secure future but now feel trapped as I can't even leave as nowhere to go and can't afford it.

I don't want to leave but not sure I can compromise though am sure too late in my life now to start over and have time for families etc:(

Combined with my nightmare work life (which I wont get into now or you will have me commited) I am at the end of my tether, stress alround and thoroughly miserable have no friends I can talk to or anything. And to top it all was diagnosed as diabetic in the summer so really am just glum not full of Xmas spirit and just needed to sound off.

Sorry guys and well done if got to end of this - feel free to tell me to get a grip

Errata

Sounds like you have both a pony and a child to look after, so what are you going to do about it if you don't like that?

dizzydonkeys

TBH that is exactly what I say to his parents - don't need a kid got him! Honestly I don't know, can't afford a deposit on even a rented bedsit suppose should suggest selling house and moving on really - harsh reality when read it back as an outsider!

Errata

Maybe work backwards? Where do you want to be in your life in a year's time, five year's time, ten year's time?
Do you want same old, same old - or not? You're the only one that can answer that.

SuzieSue

I really feel for you, but you need to get out of this "relationship". There is absolutely nothing to be gained by living with someone who won't even talk to you let alone do anything else that most people would expect if they were in a relationship.

All you can do is ask your OH's parents to give you the equity you have built up in the property and find somewhere else to live and start again. You deserve much better and I am sure you will find someone (I did when I thought I would be on my own for the rest of my life and I was older than you), but even if you don't you would be better single than with someone like your OH. I can't understand how you say that you still love him after the way he treats you.

thehappybutterfly

Dearie me! You've got a lot on your plate haven't you? You're clearly unhappy in many aspects of your life but 2013 is around the corner - new year new start. It sounds trite but if you're going to make changes, do them now.

This guy sounds like a total loser - a spoilt brat who has never grown up and faced up to adult responsibilities. You say you love him? What is it about him you love? Try and think of at least five good things and then think of the things he does that pees you off. Can you live with them?

As for your job, as you said you've not gone into it, but how is the job market in your field? Can you easily find another job? Are there any opportunities for re-employment in your current workplace?

I don't know how far into your thirties you are but regardless, it's NEVER too late to start again and there are still a good few years for kids really. Plenty of time.

Or you could carry on as you are. That sounds appealing, doesn't it?

SuzieSue

Oh, and I was in exactly the same postion as you when I left my ex- I had wasted 7 years of my life, but leaving him was the best thing I ever did. Also, I could identify with quite a lot of what you have said - my ex was very difficult to talk to and we just didn't get on and had very different views. I thought I could change him, but I couldn't.

My current OH is so different and I can honestly say that I wouldn't want to change anything about him, whereas with my ex, I wanted to change almost everything.

sharp910sh

dizzydonkeys wrote: »

TBH that is exactly what I say to his parents - don't need a kid got him! Honestly I don't know, can't afford a deposit on even a rented bedsit suppose should suggest selling house and moving on really - harsh reality when read it back as an outsider!

Just leave the man. He is taking the pee. Come on, you are a full grown woman.

When you die do you want to be sitting there regretting going out with this man. Or do you want to die remember the good memories you had with your loving partner who cared for you?

What I learnt is does not matter how far you have gone, if you have made a mistake stop and rectify the mistake.

There are many men out there, just leave and find a proper man. He can go kiss his parents behind, while you enjoy life.

Dunroamin

Can you clarify whether you have a child or whether you had a miscarriage?

Is there any paperwork to say that you owe his parents this money or is the house simply jointly owned?

dizzydonkeys

Thanks guys,

Yes I love him he is a nice bloke dont get me wrong never hits me etc (maybe I just think this is better than alternative) have done abusive relationships, controlling mentalists etc and he not like that.
When he being loving it is fine but then it just drops off but he makes me feel like it's my fault or i expect too much (relationships not all about sex) is line I get.

Re work, I am in charge of a small niche business - massive money maker but boss a ****** spends money like water, massivly in debt and just pretends he a millionaire. Borrowed 15k off me last yr to bail himself out which he did pay me back but took 13 months of stress and worry (which they think is likely the trigger of diabetes coming to light) has put various company accounts in my name as he wont pass credit checks and I cant change them to his name as he still wont pass.
Not been paying my tax/NI for the 3 yrs I have been there or in fact had proper accountant has been doctoring records so tax office think I work part time hence no tax/NI to pay - but I am now screwed if quit as liable for any credit boss has in my name and not entitled to any benefits JSA or in fact maternity should I choose to have a family.:mad:

All has made me mad and added to stresses at home and yes am probably more snappy than should be but mostly spend my time wanting to cry my eyes out and just not wake in the morning.

Have been applying for jobs left right and centre and for anything going but so many applicants for so few jobs at the moment.

Is frustrating as have spent 3 yrs running things, bailing him out, not even had a weeks holiday since been there whilst we establish the company/get over a rough patch etc etc - even today whilst boss went out on p**s and for lunch with other staff/friends I was left at the office alone working/paying bills and trying keep money flowing.

And breath - Gosh I really am a hopeless cause/sob story! Woah is me - I dont mean to come across like that and sound whiney sorry:o

Fingers running away with me now its all flowing!!

Sambucus_Nigra

Dunroamin wrote: »

Can you clarify whether you have a child or whether you had a miscarriage?

Is there any paperwork to say that you owe his parents this money or is the house simply jointly owned?

First line, no children. She had a miscarriage.

OP, what is the actual trust deed saying about your ownership of the house?