Bit of an update - advice/opinions welcome

peachyprice

nfollows1982 wrote: »

The moving bedroom thing, please don’t think we threw him out so to speak and gave the one of the girls his room, that wasn’t the case.

At the time, things were reasonable between me and his mum, and she asked that we didn’t just drop him in the middle of the situation and introduced things slowly. It was decided between the 2 of us, with the offer of help from my parents that ds would stay at my mums overnight.

The thinking behind it was that ds would still get his own space, he’d still see me and my parents and we would be able to introduce him to the girls slowly and then resume overnights with me when he was a bit more comfortable with the situation.

I didn’t move all his stuff there, I bought him a few new bits for the room at my mums and he kept all his stuff at my house. The girls share a room and my son had, and still does despite not staying, the other room as his.

I think that time may be the best tonic at the moment. I’ve told my mum to retain the relationship with ds as I think it’s important that he still has contact with my side of the family and maybe he will find it easier to open up to my mum when he is ready to do so.

See, this is what I meant. You and your ex didn't think by moving him to your mum's you were pushing him out to make room for your new family, but that's not necessarily how his little 10-11 year old mind would have seen it.

And I'm sure your ex didn't go along with it just because she thought it was the best thing for your son, more likely because she didn't want your new wife becoming his new mum.

amus

It seems your son is right to feel the way he does.

You havnt mentioned that youre willing to give up time with your 'wife and the girls' to see your son?

isitenough

Seems to me, after keeping track of this and the previous thread, that the OP can't do right for doing wrong with some of you. Shame.
OP isn't an expert in this any more than the son is. Easier to say what's wrong in hindsight isn't it?
OP - I think you're handling things well and wish you all the best for the future with this situation. It's never easy.

Mojisola

amus wrote: »

It seems your son is right to feel the way he does.

You havnt mentioned that youre willing to give up time with your 'wife and the girls' to see your son?

Have you read the previous thread?

Quote:
"I don’t normally get back with him on a Friday night until 8.30pm, so we just tend to relax together then.

I always have 1 on 1 time; it’s usually on a Saturday afternoon as the girls have activities that my wife takes them to.

Me made sure that he got quality time with me as I know that’s vitally important."

cheepskate_2

Mojisola wrote: »

Have you read the previous thread?

Quote:
"I don’t normally get back with him on a Friday night until 8.30pm, so we just tend to relax together then.

I always have 1 on 1 time; it’s usually on a Saturday afternoon as the girls have activities that my wife takes them to.

Me made sure that he got quality time with me as I know that’s vitally important."

this isnt quality time........This is just time when the girls are away, when dad plays happy families with his son..If the "girls" didnt have clubs on at this time then dad would not do the 1-1 time

As I said in the O.P's previous post, To build a relationship you have to have quality time with your son, without the "girls" not just fit him in when there is space..

To still keep on blaming your ex, for your son not wanting to be with you(or more precisely you and the "girls")when in reality it is your son who feels pushed out. Then again its good to blame your ex as you dont need to change YOUR behaviour.

NOW that your son has said he wants time with you alone.......are you willing to make the effort to build a relationship with him, or do the "girls"come before him as they are "your" family

Mojisola

cheepskate wrote: »

this isnt quality time........This is just time when the girls are away, when dad plays happy families with his son..If the "girls" didnt have clubs on at this time then dad would not do the 1-1 time

How do you know that?

cheepskate_2

Mojisola wrote: »

How do you know that?

Self explanatory, really. His posts clarify this. . His son is saying he wants 1-1 without the "girls"...Dad states he thinks this is the ex putting things into his head and totally dismisses his sons views, because they dont fall in line with his ideas.

Savvy_Sue

tanith wrote: »

Do you keep in close contact with his school and receive a school diary of events, you can arrange that they send you copies of any letters home about your son and thus go to any school events he's involved in..

This: you can ask for information to be sent, you can check the school website, you can be informed!

FBaby

OP, I really feel for you because you clearly want the best for everyone and feel that you work hard for it. I think the problem stems from the fact that you assumed that because your new wife and daughters made you happy, with a bit of help, your son was bound to feel the same when actually it had the exact opposite effect.

I think it is important not to fall in the trap of trying to decide what is right and what is wrong. His actions are a cry for help and whether he should feel differently is another matter, if you want to remain close to your son, YOU will need to start giving him what he needs rather than what you think he should need.

Saying that, I think you need to be clear that it is not about you agreeing to everything he wants either as the reality is that he is not the sole centre of your world and he does need to understand that.

My advice would be firstly to communicate with your wife and explain that your son is not happy and it is important to you to understand why, stepping away from the 'well he should because of all what you do for him' and therefore you might have to concentrate more of your time and energy on him. Try very hard to communicate with your son, saying that you understand he is not happy and that you want to try to come to some resolution with him and that doing so you want him to be totally honest with you. He clearly cares very much for your feelings, maybe even possibly recognise that his needs are selfish, and that is why he has backed up without opening up to you so far.

When you do hopefully meet up, encourage him to open up to you and listen to what he says, however much you think he is being unreasonable. Then try to come up with a compromise. He will need to learn that you have a new family that he can't just put aside for him, but at the same time you recognise that he is not yet prepared to integrate the new setting. You need to show him that you are prepared, at time, to put him ahead of the family, so that the time you dedicate for him is not just the leftovers when he is not taken by his new family (ie. mum is with them so you have time for your son), but that you are prepared to make some commitments even if it means making changes in your new life (ie. taking him to football even if it means rearranging your time with your wife).

In the end, the more opened to your son's feelings, the quicker his resentment will deflate and the more prepared he will be to open up to your new family setting. Your wife is clearly willing to have him in her life, which is essential, so it will just be a case of being patient and understanding.

amus

^^^ Excellent post. OP I really hope you take this on board!