Bit of an update - advice/opinions welcome

nfollows1982

A lot of you offered your opinions on this situation last time, which was welcomed, so wanted to provide a bit of an update and ask opinions on how things stand.

(For those of you who don't know the situation, sure you can find it through my profile, be warned it's very long!)

Anyway, as things stand now, it is 12 weeks tomorrow since the last time I was allowed to pick my son up for the weekend.

The last time I spoke to him was 7 weeks ago when my mum took him to football.

When I updated the last thread the following Monday, my mum had been told by my ex that because she had let my son speak to me, she was now banned from taking him to football or seeing him.

At the time, my mum took the stance that she wouldn't ever stop him from speaking to me or be dictated to by my ex and if that meant her not seeing my son she'd have to accept that.

3 weeks after that, the Thursday before the next football game, my ex text my mum and said my son wanted to go to football and would she still take him. She also said to my mum that she'd never stop him going to football or spending time with my son.

My mum took him to football, I didn't get a phone call, my mum didn't even text me to tell me if they had a good time.

When I quizzed my mum, she said my son hadn't even asked after me, he hadn't mentioned anything at all.

The same then happened 2 weeks later when my mum took him to football again - no contact for me, and no mention of me by my son.

I had let this all go because I would never say my mum can't see him but whenever I try and talk to her about what my son has said, what my ex has said etc, she is so dismissive and tends to ignore things for a couple of days and change the subject.

I've found it hard not seeing him and my mum knows this and she had him again at football on Saturday. I had no contact from her until Monday when she text saying 'XXXX wants you to buy him an iPod for Christmas'.

There was no 'XXXX has been asking after you, no XXXX misses you or I've been talking to XXXX about you' just that he wanted that.

I opened up to my mum on Monday and told her again how it was making me feel and she said she understood.

Then on Tuesday, I found out that she had taken the day off work, gone up to see my ex for a coffee and then been taken to my son's Christmas play at school - a play I knew nothing about. My mum didn't even tell me she was going, I only found out after the event.

I was really unhappy with this and I told my mum so and yet again she just completely ignored what I said and didn't even return my call after she said she would think about a solution.

Me, my wife and the 3 girls are all going round to my mum’s on Christmas day and it feels like this is ruining the run up to that.

I’ve now been summoned by my dad to attend a family meeting tonight to discuss the situation as he doesn’t want an atmosphere on Christmas Day.

I just don’t know what I am supposed to say to them!

Am I expected to accept that I can’t see or even speak to my son, but my mum sees him a lot and is now seemingly friends with my ex and going up there for coffee, chit chat and to the school play?

I’m so angry about the whole situation and I feel like I don’t know which way to turn anymore.

KiKi

nfollows1982 wrote: »

A lot of you offered your opinions on this situation last time, which was welcomed, so wanted to provide a bit of an update and ask opinions on how things stand.

(For those of you who don't know the situation, sure you can find it through my profile, be warned it's very long!)

Anyway, as things stand now, it is 12 weeks tomorrow since the last time I was allowed to pick my son up for the weekend.

The last time I spoke to him was 7 weeks ago when my mum took him to football.

When I updated the last thread the following Monday, my mum had been told by my ex that because she had let my son speak to me, she was now banned from taking him to football or seeing him.

At the time, my mum took the stance that she wouldn't ever stop him from speaking to me or be dictated to by my ex and if that meant her not seeing my son she'd have to accept that.

3 weeks after that, the Thursday before the next football game, my ex text my mum and said my son wanted to go to football and would she still take him. She also said to my mum that she'd never stop him going to football or spending time with my son.

My mum took him to football, I didn't get a phone call, my mum didn't even text me to tell me if they had a good time.

When I quizzed my mum, she said my son hadn't even asked after me, he hadn't mentioned anything at all.

The same then happened 2 weeks later when my mum took him to football again - no contact for me, and no mention of me by my son.

I had let this all go because I would never say my mum can't see him but whenever I try and talk to her about what my son has said, what my ex has said etc, she is so dismissive and tends to ignore things for a couple of days and change the subject.

I've found it hard not seeing him and my mum knows this and she had him again at football on Saturday. I had no contact from her until Monday when she text saying 'XXXX wants you to buy him an iPod for Christmas'.

There was no 'XXXX has been asking after you, no XXXX misses you or I've been talking to XXXX about you' just that he wanted that.

I opened up to my mum on Monday and told her again how it was making me feel and she said she understood.

Then on Tuesday, I found out that she had taken the day off work, gone up to see my ex for a coffee and then been taken to my son's Christmas play at school - a play I knew nothing about. My mum didn't even tell me she was going, I only found out after the event.

I was really unhappy with this and I told my mum so and yet again she just completely ignored what I said and didn't even return my call after she said she would think about a solution.

Me, my wife and the 3 girls are all going round to my mum’s on Christmas day and it feels like this is ruining the run up to that.

I’ve now been summoned by my dad to attend a family meeting tonight to discuss the situation as he doesn’t want an atmosphere on Christmas Day.

I just don’t know what I am supposed to say to them!

Am I expected to accept that I can’t see or even speak to my son, but my mum sees him a lot and is now seemingly friends with my ex and going up there for coffee, chit chat and to the school play?

I’m so angry about the whole situation and I feel like I don’t know which way to turn anymore.

I think your ex is still behaving terribly - have you taken this to a solicitor, yet?

I think you have to divorce your mum seeing your son from you. Your ex is playing games. She'll probably enjoy the fall out - don't let it happen. It's possible she's feeding your mum lies. It's possible that your mum doesn't want to upset you so is hiding it. It's possible your ex is feeding your son lies, who in turn is feeding your mum and she's believing him, being a child.

It's also very possible (indeed, likely?) she's trying desperately to keep your ex on board and have cosy coffees so that she becomes friendly enough to win her over and ultimately get you access back to your son. And she's not telling you so that your ex truly believes your mum's on her side. But she needs time to make this happen.

If you have a problem with your mum seeing your son and not you (which I completely understand), the only possible outcome is that no-one sees him. Your ex will see to that.

If it were me, the issues to focus on would be:
a) why my mum is hiding it from me and not talking about it, and being dismissive - hopefully for good reasons
b) taking legal action to get access to my son

The fact that she sees him and not you is not one you can approach; it won't end well, give your ex's previous (and current) behaviour.

I'm so sorry this is still going on. Your dad seems like a good man, trying to resolve it. Perhaps - for the sake of finding out - you may need to accept that your mum is hiding it from you for a reason of her own which won't be easy to hear. And you may need to say to her "look, I just want to know why you're hiding it. If it's because of something I've done or said, or something you feel I'm not doing right as a dad, please tell me so I can make it better".

HTH
KiKi

balletshoes

my take on this is - good on your mum for keeping the communication channels open with her grandson, and making the effort to visit him at home, go to school play etc. Surely its better someone in your family gets to do that if your ex is refusing to let you do it?

Go to the family meeting tonight, absolutely go. Your Dad can hear your side, your Mum's side, and hopefully you can both listen and hear what the other's feeling. You need to stay calm, and be heard. Assertive, not agressive.

nfollows1982

Thanks KiKi,

Yeah things are at an early stage legally, we are waiting a response to our latest letter as we speak.

I've tried to say that to my mum, I told her on Monday that i just wanted to know the truth about what she knows, what she's been told etc.

I'd find that a lot easier to deal with than second guessing her reasons for going behind my back or not telling me what's going on.

I even said 'all I want to know is does XXXX as after me or say he misses me' because at least I'd know and that would be some comfort; she didnt even have an answer to that.

I just get the feeling that she knows a lot more than she's letting on and doesn't want to tell me exactly what's going on

mummybearx

Why is your mum hiding the fact that she sees your son?

It's simple really. She is allowed to see him and you are not. You make her feel bad by asking if your son asks about you, asking for details about his life, and if the ex found out she was keeping you informed she would stop your mum seeing him. So your mum keeps quiet so she can continue a relationship with her grandson and keep your ex on her side.

Rightly or wrongly, that's the way it is. You need to leave your mum out of the fight with your ex over contact to your son. Allow your mum to have time with him, it's not her fault you aren't allowed to see him. Not that I'm saying it's your fault, I know how nasty people can be when relationships break down, people use their kids as pawns in a battle.

Don't let your ex ruin your relationship with your mum. Fight your own battle with her, get to a lawyer and demand access x

nfollows1982

balletshoes, hope you didn't think I was criticising my mum for staying involved, and I do agree that it's better it's one of us and not none of us.

It's just been done in a way I feel she's gone behind my back to do it and she's being so dismissive of me trying to find out what exactly is going on at the moment.

System

Your Mum is obviously caught in the middle and is trying to stay out of the line of fire whilst trying to keep in contact with her Grandson.

Terrible situation.

balletshoes

nfollows1982 wrote: »

balletshoes, hope you didn't think I was criticising my mum for staying involved, and I do agree that it's better it's one of us and not none of us.

It's just been done in a way I feel she's gone behind my back to do it and she's being so dismissive of me trying to find out what exactly is going on at the moment.

no I didn't get that you were criticising your mum at all. She may have been warned by your ex that if she discusses her grandson with you that she'll stop her seeing him. It might just be that simple, and that might be the whole reason she's being so evasive with you regarding your son.

System

It's just been done in a way I feel she's gone behind my back to do it and she's being so dismissive of me trying to find out what exactly is going on at the moment.

look at it like this, if you feel your not being given any information through your Mum, you can feel assured that your Mum wont be giving any information to your ex.

nfollows1982

The other issue is that my ds spoke out to his mum about going to football and told her that he wanted to go - that's why my ex got back in touch with my mum.

He hasn't said one word to my mum about me in the last 4 times that she's been with him.

I know there's the possibility that he's been told not to by his mum, but it has made me question whether the issues I had before (electronics etc) were more from him than he made out.

I'll admit, I am feeling down, but I'm starting to feel like my ds has got what he wanted - he still gets to go to football but at the same time he doesn't have to be involved with us.

krlyr

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I even said 'all I want to know is does XXXX as after me or say he misses me' because at least I'd know and that would be some comfort; she didnt even have an answer to that.

I just get the feeling that she knows a lot more than she's letting on and doesn't want to tell me exactly what's going on

Would you want to hear "No"? I don't think that would be of any comfort, so you are expecting the answer to be yes. Maybe your mum thinks you would rather hear nothing and hope it's a yes, than be told the truth?
It may be that your son has been manipulated, maybe it's out of sight, out of mind, who knows, but maybe your mum just feels that being honest with you would be more painful for you than evading the question.