Bit of an update - advice/opinions welcome

marisco_2

What a truly awful situation for you all to be in, I include your mum in that. I can understand how upsetting it must be, for a very close relative of yours to have this relationship with your child, whilst not taking the opportunity to help you keep in touch with him.

Your mum may have been put in a very difficult position by your son and/or ex. He may be asking her not to contact you. She may be biding her time and trying in all manner of ways to encourage your son to talk with you. She needs to maintain his trust and that of your ex so as not to risk being banned from seeing him again. Living in fear of losing contact with a loved one can be crippling, as I am sure you fully appreciate.

I hope the chat with your parents isn't painful and that a constructive way forward can be found. Listen to what they have to say, and I really really hope that all your fears and worries are heard by them too. Keep strong and I hope your relationship with your son can be back on track very soon. A strong and positive love between a parent and child is so valuable.

nfollows1982

Morning all,

As this will be my last opportunity to update I thought I’d let everyone know what happened last night.

Firstly the positive news – I have cleared the air with my mum and everything is fine between us again. My Dad called the meeting last night as he was worried that the whole situation was in danger of coming between us and none of us wanted that.

We had a really good talk about everything; I forgot how supportive my parents are sometimes and it was really nice to hear how much they understand things. We are all now looking forward to spending Christmas day together which we all agreed could have been in jeopardy if we didn’t talk things through.

Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad, and it’s unfortunately confirmation of what I was starting to think and what others had suggested in my other thread many weeks ago.

Basically it is my son that’s made the decision he doesn’t want to come and stay with me anymore. We all agreed that his mum may have played a part in helping him make that decision but ultimately, he is the one who has turned round and said that he doesn’t want to visit anymore. Well, unless it’s on his terms.

This is what my mum has been told by my DS mum:

He doesn’t like coming to stay with me anymore as he doesn’t want to be part of the family, he is only interested in me, and he doesn’t like any of the girls and has no interest in having a relationship with them. He doesn’t like the fact that we have rules in the house when he’s allowed to do what he likes at home and unless arrangements are made for my wife and the girls not to be there all weekend he will not come.
He has also asked my mum if he can come and stay with them sometimes because he wants to see his friend who lives next door to my mum. My ex has said to my mum that if they are to have him overnight that the caveat to that is that my wife and the girls are not allowed at the house and he is not allowed to be taken to my house if they are there.
My ex has said that ds had seemed happier not waiting for the weekends when he came to see me and he has said as long as he gets taken to football by my mum he is happy.
Also, any arrangements made in the future must be done between my ex and my mum and I am no longer welcome at their door!!

My Dad has flatly refused this request and said that it’s his house and he is the one who decides who can and cant be there, not my ds and not his mum. There is also the fact that my younger sister has now moved back in with my parents and they no longer have the spare room for him to stay in.

I’m so disappointed that he never told me this months ago. All I’ve done is try and help him integrate into the new set up.

For those of you who keep saying it was rushed, please bear in mind that when my wife and the girls moved in, me and ds mum set up a plan to help him integrate. We moved his bedroom to my mum’s and he had his overnights there, spent time with my parents and me and slowly got introduced the girls. He saw the girls for a couple of hours every weekend, which we gradually increased and eventually he decided he wanted to start having overnights with us.
I also had father and son time with him every weekend, I always always made time for him on his own and I honestly feel like I did everything the right way; I understood what a big change it was for him.

So there we go, the truth is out and now I just have to figure out how to deal with it!!

londonsurrey

BIG mistake - you "moved his bedroom". In other words, he got chucked out. See it from his point of view. He should have been able to retain his bedroom, his placeholder. Children have very little else in terms of territory, if you think about it, to assure them that they have a place in the household, in the family.

tanith

I haven't read the whole thread but just skimmed through it just struck me that although your son wants nothing to do with you it doesn't stop you being interested in him. Do you keep in close contact with his school and receive a school diary of events, you can arrange that they send you copies of any letters home about your son and thus go to any school events he's involved in.. it may not mean much now but showing an interest in this way at least keeps you in a small loop with him. Sorry if I've missed something relevent to this in the previous postings... its a sad situation but keeping the lines of communication with your Mum is very important.

Mojisola

nfollows1982 wrote: »

This is what my mum has been told by my DS mum:

He doesn’t like coming to stay with me anymore as he doesn’t want to be part of the family, he is only interested in me, and he doesn’t like any of the girls and has no interest in having a relationship with them. He doesn’t like the fact that we have rules in the house when he’s allowed to do what he likes at home and unless arrangements are made for my wife and the girls not to be there all weekend he will not come.

He has also asked my mum if he can come and stay with them sometimes because he wants to see his friend who lives next door to my mum. My ex has said to my mum that if they are to have him overnight that the caveat to that is that my wife and the girls are not allowed at the house and he is not allowed to be taken to my house if they are there.

My ex has said that ds had seemed happier not waiting for the weekends when he came to see me and he has said as long as he gets taken to football by my mum he is happy.

Also, any arrangements made in the future must be done between my ex and my mum and I am no longer welcome at their door!!

Do you really believe that these are your son's views?

You know how he was when he stayed with you and the two don't seem to tie together.

No matter how much your ex wants to write you out of the picture, you are the boy's father and he has the right to know you and your side of the family. I would persevere with the legal action. If he is so influenced by his mother that he says himself that he doesn't want to spend time with you and the girls, you can offer to find ways to spend time together alone.

If that gets refused too, don't give up. At 11, he may have no choice but to do as his mother wants but, as every year passes, he will find his own voice.

As an aside, why don't the school send you information about everything that happens? You should have heard from them about his play.

19lottie82

Hi OP, I have to say, I really feel for you after reading that. I know a lot of posters on here will prob say this is all your own doing but I don’t agree. It sounds like you have made every effort to make your son feel part of your new family, but as they say “you can lead a horse to water…….”

I was in a similar situation when I was his age, my Dad was remarried and they had another child and although I was treated well (and loved), I was still very jealous. After all, why should these people have a happy home and MY Dad living there full time, and I just felt like a visitor?

I think that’s what it all boils down to. Jealousy. Your son doesn’t “dislike” your DW and DSD’s as such, he’s just jealous, prob because he loves you so much and wants you as a FT dad. He feels now he has a bit of power and is using it, which makes him feel superior to your new wife and her children.

I think he has these feelings and they are being encouraged by his Mum, which isn’t right as the whole situation will only make him unhappy in the long run. He will regret this decision in the long run. Try to keep communication open via your Mum so that he knows that you love and miss him. Then when he is ready to resume contact, he can.

Also, good on your Dad for standing up to your ex, she sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Good luck OP x

peachyprice

So it was you your mum was protecting all along when she was being cagey, bless her.

I think really, the only thing that is going to make this get better is time. For the sake of being able to spend time with your son again I would be inclined to go along with him staying at your mum's and you visiting him there.

I can kind of see why your ex doesn't want your wife and daughters visiting with you at your mum's, it's upsetting her boy and she's the one who has to then deal with the fall out. Again, this may change over time as you and your son re-build your relationship.

Although you thought you weren't rushing your son into a relationship with his step-sisters he obviously thought differently. It won't help that there's two of them and only him and it probably didn't help that you moved his bedroom to your mum's house (why did you do that? Did one of the girls then get that room?) He must have felt pushed out and felt that they were overtaking his home and his father. Children don't always see things in the same rational sense that adults do.

I hope by taking things slowly you can re-build your relationship, I doubt it will ever be the same, but at least you're at a starting point.

peachyprice

Mojisola wrote: »

No matter how much your ex wants to write you out of the picture, you are the boy's father and he has the right to know you and your side of the family. I would persevere with the legal action. If he is so influenced by his mother that he says himself that he doesn't want to spend time with you and the girls, you can offer to find ways to spend time together alone.

I read it that the son does want to spend time with his father and his family, but is not interested in playing happy families with the new wife and step-sisters.

CH27

Would it be possible for you to spend time with your son at your mum's?
Keep your wife & the girls away & just spend one on one time with your son?

nfollows1982

The moving bedroom thing, please don’t think we threw him out so to speak and gave the one of the girls his room, that wasn’t the case.

At the time, things were reasonable between me and his mum, and she asked that we didn’t just drop him in the middle of the situation and introduced things slowly. It was decided between the 2 of us, with the offer of help from my parents that ds would stay at my mums overnight.

The thinking behind it was that ds would still get his own space, he’d still see me and my parents and we would be able to introduce him to the girls slowly and then resume overnights with me when he was a bit more comfortable with the situation.

I didn’t move all his stuff there, I bought him a few new bits for the room at my mums and he kept all his stuff at my house. The girls share a room and my son had, and still does despite not staying, the other room as his.

I think that time may be the best tonic at the moment. I’ve told my mum to retain the relationship with ds as I think it’s important that he still has contact with my side of the family and maybe he will find it easier to open up to my mum when he is ready to do so.