Bit of an update - advice/opinions welcome

KiKi

nfollows1982 wrote: »

I'll admit, I am feeling down, but I'm starting to feel like my ds has got what he wanted - he still gets to go to football but at the same time he doesn't have to be involved with us.

I know this is probably no comfort right now. But kids aren't stupid. Right now, at that early teen age, maybe that is what he wants. And got it.

(That's teens all over - not just your son in these circumstances.)

But he'll grow up. And when he does, he won't feel the same - they just don't. He'll have questions if nothing else. Not much help now, I know, but it won't be like this forever.

One last thing you say that you keep asking your mum what he's saying about you. It's possible that your son is saying nothing about you (either because he's told not to, or he doesn't want to) and your mum is being evasive because she doesn't want to tell you "he hasn't even mentioned you today" because she can see it kills you.

So my advice is: instead of asking her what he's saying about you, ask how he is, how he seems, did he enjoy himself. Questions she can answer which are not about you or your relationship with him. It might help open lines of communication a bit?

KiKi

red_devil

definetely dont buy that i pod!

nfollows1982

I would honestly rather know the truth.

My solicitor has already said that his feelings will be taken into account so if he doesn't want to see me or be involved right now, I'd rather know that.

At the moment I just think my ex is a !!!!! for not letting me see him when the reality might be that this is what he wants.

I'm not saying that if my mum sits me down and says 'no he doesn't want to come anymore he just wants to go to football' that it won't hurt a lot, but at least I will know where I stand.

I think I'd then find it easier my mum seeing him, rather than feeling like it's been done by shielding the truth from me.

I'm happy to support my mum seeing him, it keeps open the line back to me for as and when ds decides that he wants to continue our relationship

londonlydia

First things first, never give up trying to see your son. One day your son will be old enough to realise your ex's action, and it is her she will resent for it, not you.

Anyway, this happened to my good friend (the bloke). The ex lives with her parents and the kid. They tried everything possible to stop him seeing the kid, all saying to him "it's better if you're not in his life". Now there is nothing wrong with my mate, not abusive, he's a hard worker and good person. They just split up when the kid was almost 2 (accidental pregnancy, they wouldnt have stayed together at all if it wasnt for that).

What he did was record all conversations, saved all emails, everything with the mother...didnt give up. This then gave him a strong argument when he went to the solicitor and courts for access, as it clearly showed she was being selfish and unreasonable. He got better access than hoped.

What was also interesting about this though was his parents, who also got access rights. Fairly recently in law, grandparents have been given the right to see grand kids as well as parents. So your ex cant bully your mum either you know!

Amanda65

I think you need to go round tonight to the family conference and hopefully will be able to hear your Mum's explanation and her yours. I remember your last post and think it is absolutely vital that the lines of communication are being kept open with your DS and good on your Mum for doing so. You have 'assumed' that the chats and coffee were cosy because you feel pushed out - your poor Mum could have sat there terrified that if she said one thing wrong she would lose contact with her GS.

Without having all of the facts you cannot possibly make judgement about what is going on, oly assumptions, and it seems as though your Dad wants to get to the bottom of it. Rather than asking your Mum if your son mentions you or misses you (which makes this all about YOU) try asking if he was well, happy, had a good time at the match.

Sadly it seems as though for the time being your ex is getting her own way but at least someone in your family is keeping in contact with him. As for the Ipod - your call completely but as far as I see it you have three options:-
1) Don't buy it
2) Buy it but say you would like to give it to your DS personally
3) Buy it, hand to your Mum to give to DS and put a note inside the wrapping paper saying that you will miss him at Christmas, love him and hope you will see him soon.

I would choose option 3

fannyanna

I really feel for you OP. I would be hurt and angry if I were in your situation.

peachyprice

nfollows1982 wrote: »

The other issue is that my ds spoke out to his mum about going to football and told her that he wanted to go - that's why my ex got back in touch with my mum.

He hasn't said one word to my mum about me in the last 4 times that she's been with him.

I know there's the possibility that he's been told not to by his mum, but it has made me question whether the issues I had before (electronics etc) were more from him than he made out.

I'll admit, I am feeling down, but I'm starting to feel like my ds has got what he wanted - he still gets to go to football but at the same time he doesn't have to be involved with us.

Have you thought that he might be frightened to ask after you? Perhaps he gets a grilling from his mother when he gets home, perhaps he has to tell her what he and your mum have been talking about. If he doesn't ask after you he doesn't have to lie to his mum if she asks, he can't tell her what he doesn't know. Perhaps he has told your mum not to say he's asked about you, incase his mother finds out?

nfollows1982

I've thought about all the possibilities and you could may well be right about his mum telling him not to ask about me or grilling him when he gets back from football (that's what happened the last time she fell out with my mum).

It's just the fact that my mum has been so cagey, and I haven't made it all about me, of course I've asked if he's had a good time etc.

Maybe I'm being selfish wanting to know if my own son is missing the contact with me as much as I am missing it with him.

I guess I will just have to wait and see what my mum has to say when I go round later and see if her answers make things any clearer and easier to understand.

FBaby

This thread is reinforcing what I suspected when you last posted. OP, I think your son is much more bothered about the dynamism of your new family than what you believe.

My gut feeling is that your son does have an issue with the dynamism of your new family, but hasn't dared telling you directly because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I believe that his mum is not making things up when she says that it is him who doesn't want to come and I think he has said it to your mum and your mum also doesn't dare tell you because she knows how hurt you will be since you love your son so much.

I am wondering whether there is something going on around your mum taking your son to football when maybe, there is an expectation from your mum, your ex and your son that you should? Could they believe that if you don't, it is because of your new family?

My advice would be to try not to get on the defensive immediately if your mum says things that you don't want to hear, believe or agree with. Try to listen and digest, you can always come back to her to say you don't agree. Try to see it as an opportunity to understand what is going and making changes early enough so you don't lose all contact with your son.

amus

FBaby wrote: »

This thread is reinforcing what I suspected when you last posted. OP, I think your son is much more bothered about the dynamism of your new family than what you believe.

My gut feeling is that your son does have an issue with the dynamism of your new family, but hasn't dared telling you directly because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I believe that his mum is not making things up when she says that it is him who doesn't want to come and I think he has said it to your mum and your mum also doesn't dare tell you because she knows how hurt you will be since you love your son so much.

I am wondering whether there is something going on around your mum taking your son to football when maybe, there is an expectation from your mum, your ex and your son that you should? Could they believe that if you don't, it is because of your new family?

My advice would be to try not to get on the defensive immediately if your mum says things that you don't want to hear, believe or agree with. Try to listen and digest, you can always come back to her to say you don't agree. Try to see it as an opportunity to understand what is going and making changes early enough so you don't lose all contact with your son.

I completely agree.

OP the way you talk 'my wife and the girls' does make it sound very us and them.

I think the speed at which you have integrated into this new family of yours has had an impact on your son and his relationship with you, and IMHO I think at the age he is he has made the choice himself. Especially given the situation when he was having contact with you.

Maybe when he is older and has grown used to your new dynamics he will change his mind, but he isnt a young child anymore, so from a contact point ofview the ball is very much in his court.

Perhaps contact with him for a while without the need for your new family's involvement would be a good place to start with rebuikding your relationship?