difficult situation ds pregnant g/f

cobbingstones

Hello all,

My ds started a relationship this year and within a couple of months I was informed that they are having a baby. They are both very happy about this but their relationship is very unstable. They are both in their early 20's and live apart.

I have only met 'katie' twice and I have found her a little hard to connect with. However, My son recently informed me that during one of their times apart she had unprotected sex with another man, there is now a chance that the child may not be his. I have no problem loving and accepting the baby regarding who the father is, but my son is adament that he could not continue the relationship if the child is not his.

So my problem lies with bonding with 'katie'. She does not know that I am aware of the parentage issue and I do not want to start yet another row so near Christmas by telling her. But, with hardly ever seeing her because of protecting myself from the possible loss of a grandchild if he is not my son's, I'm unsure what to do about Christmas and beyond. I have re married and have three daughter's who would be utterly delighted to know that they are to be Aunties, but I dare not tell them incase we dont see the baby.

Katie is very close to her parents and I'm also concerned that I will not see my grandchild due to not having a relationship with Katie or her family (who I have asked to meet, but nothing was ever arranged)

Thanks for reading.

dancingfairy

I'm not totally sure what your question is, sorry.
What do you want to do for Xmas?
What does your son and his gfwant?
I think you should/could make an effort but not go too overboard. Just maintain a relationship and see how things go between them. How do you treat your daughters partners ie do you invite them over for Christmas/take them out for meals etc?
I guess everything is in limbo until the child is born/until a DNA test is done really.
df

dancingfairy

I guess the fairest thing for your daughters would be to tell them that the baby might not be your sons but it depends on what age they are and how mature they are.
Iguess since you are remarried they can understand that not all family dynamics are straightforward?
Personally I think they should know the truth if possible and be asked not to share the information with Katie or to discuss it widely until the result is known for sure one way or the other.
df

belfastgirl23

If they are still together (at some level) could you invite Katie and her parents over for a drink sometime during the hols? And start to build a relationship/friendship with Katie and her parents? This should at least create a situation where you're giving yourself the best possible chance of staying in touch whatever happens with her and your DS. For now I'd be proceeding on the basis that the baby is his, it would be easier to withdraw from any relationship with the family than to try to build one later. Though I know this might be tough emotionally.

Gigglepig

Perhaps best not spread this information further as it is not your secret to share, but your son's and Katies?

If you son won't continue the relationship if the child isn't his, it doesn't bode well for the relationship, even if it is his.

I'd just ignore it for now and just treat your son and Katie the same way as your other children/children in-law.

krlyr

I was "Auntie" in a similar (ish) sitution (though they had split up already and then had a bit of a fling when she was with her new boyfriend) and honesty was the biggest help. Unfortunately my brother decided not to do the DNA test straight away, they decided they were sure it was his so to act as such without the test. A year on, when she decided to use the baby as a pawn, my brother insisted on having it done and it turned out not to be his son. So whatever their feelings at the time I would definately try to convince your son to have the DNA test done. Try to convince him that it is not a matter of distrusting her but that it is an essential thing to do ASAP for everyone involved, and to protect everyone longterm. My brother was never registered as the father on the birth certificate which would have made things difficult in terms of visitation, custody, etc. if the baby had been his, but also on the other hand, in effect the real father was robbed of a year of his son's life (he was actually dating the mother but under the belief the child wasn't his - perhaps even more damaging because he would not just have had no bond with the son, but the negative feelings that may have been caused by seeing "someone else's" son every day)
It's a necessary evil, you will feel in limbo now until it is done, but even moreso if the test isn't carried out.

What you do in the meantime is your decision. My mum decided to assume it was my brother's baby on the premise that, worst case, she had given that time and love to a very cute baby that turned out not to be her grandson. She could get over that but she couldn't forgive turning a blind eye to a baby and then finding out it was my brother's. We all followed suit really, he was my nephew as far as I was concerned.
It is an awkward situation and not one you would wish for or have a guidebook for but I hope it all works out for you.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

He doesn't have to continue the relationship if the child isn't his - although that doesn't sound like a pleasant prospect - does he refuse to look at it for three months until they get enough money together for a test, for example? Does he go to the pub rather than be there holding her hand and participating in the birth?



But you don't have to cut her off - you can still be nice and loving - after all, she isn't going to feel particularly secure with the prospect of him not being there for her during the pregnancy or birth as 'it might not be mine'.

That would make getting along with you more awkward as well, especially if she's a bit shy - she could be thinking 'how can I get close if BF is just going to cut us off?' or he could even be telling her not to get too comfortable with you.


There are posters on here who have accepted other people's children as their grandchildren without question - and continued to do so after the relationships have ended, to the benefit of the children involved -

you do not have to cut her off, even if the baby isn't his -

and you are far less likely to be cut off, if the baby IS his and they split (perhaps even partly to do with the strain of this I-don't-want-to-know business) - if you take the position that this is your grandchild without doubt until there is scientific evidence in front of you to say any different.


My ex's parents decided that there was a possibility DD was their son's because we were not married - so presumably I could have been knocking off any old bloke :cool:. They would not get involved in the slightest, never visited the hospital, never sent a card, refused to allow themselves to be called Nanny and Granddad, nor would his sister show the slightest interest until DD was about 3 and started looking like her father, then they slowly began acknowledging her.


One day, DD may find out they didn't want anything to do with her - I'm not going to tell her, but I don't think she's going to be happy about it. As it is, she is suspicious why there are no photographs of her with her grandparents from that time.


You can make this difficult - or you can take it that this is your grandchild and trust in the future to look after itself. I think that would be easier at this point.

j.e.j.

What does 'katie' have to say about all this..? Is she willing to have the paternity test done?

Saint_Chris

Reading your post it seems that you have already decided that it is your grandchild.
And that it doesn't matter what your son thinks, because you will be a good granny to the baby.

When are you going to let katie know that you are privy to this information. Because this could cause trouble.

dna test is your answer or failing that jeremy kyle.

skintchick

I don't think you should tell your daughters. That is up to your son and Katie if they wish to tell.

To be perfectly honest, i'm concerned by your use of the phrase 'yet another row'. Do you mean that you and Katie have been arguing? Or you and your son? Or both? Because that is how it reads and if that is the case I think you should do absolutely nothing as none of it is your concern, really, in the sense that it is your son's life and Katie's life, but not yours.

I get the sense you are not telling us the full story about you and Katie and your relationship with her.

Stephb1986_2

What a sad situation you are in cobbingstones.

My brother got his gf pregnant a few years ago they had a little girl that I love to bits I would do anything for. Sad thing is she is coming up to 8 in a few weeks time we've (as in my parents and I) have only seen her a handful of times.

My brother is no longer with the girl, he got regular access and sometimes he would bring her and other times he wouldn't we wouldn't see her from one year to the next or when it comes up to her birthday and christmas. She loves my dad to bits but when it's time to say bye to my mum and me she won't give us cuddles because she doesn't know us that well it breaks my heart every time.

It's confusing for her and for us. We probably won't get to see her this christmas another year gone by when we've not seen her. It really does hurt.

If this baby turns out to be your sons please be good friends with "katie" because if your not I feel that you will end up in the same situation we're in.

Steph xx