Not 'doing' Santa

mumps

There was an interesting piece on Radio 4 this morning, it was about dementia and whether you should lie to people to avoid them being more confused and anxious. Apparently there is a village in the Netherlands which is pioneering a way for people with dementia to live as good a life as possible. The experts seemed to be saying that lying was the right thing to do. Unfortunately I was in the car and had to call in somewhere so didn't hear all of it. Maybe someone else did? It made me think of this thread.

Another thing on the news, lying is big at the moment. One of the young teachers at the school in America where 20 children were killed, said she told the children, presumably in her class, that she loved them very much and that everything would be OK. She said she said it because she thought it would be the last thing they would ever hear and she wanted them to know they were loved and to believe it would be OK. I thought she was an amazing, brave woman. Her parents must be very proud of her and I am sure the parents of the children she was with will always be grateful for the care she took of their children in such an awful event.

mumps

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Oh I am fine now, would just rather it hadn't happened, thanks for your concern.

It can be hard when you are caught in the middle, perfectly reasonable for your husband to want his privacy about his condition at the time but also reasonable for his cousin to enquire where he is. I am hopeless in this sort of situation and would probably say something totally inappropriate and end up with husband annoyed because I was such a twit and the cousin being offended as I was obviously lying. At least you left them both happy.

Mojisola

mumps wrote: »

There was an interesting piece on Radio 4 this morning, it was about dementia and whether you should lie to people to avoid them being more confused and anxious.

This is what I did with my Mum and am now having to do with my Dad. When he says "Mum has just gone down the shops" to explain why she's not there, I could tell him the truth and say "No, she's dead" and make him try to cope with the dreadful news again and again and again. Instead I say "Oh, has she? I'll see her another time" and start to talk about something else.

It would be downright cruel to tell him the truth every time he forgets that the love of his life and his companion of over 70 years is dead.

skintchick

madison-nyc wrote: »

most of the statements on here aren't true for everyone?! if they were there wouldn't be a discussion to be had in the first place would there? so was a rather pointless comment to make and not very useful in this discussion ;0)

I was going to type a reply to this but actually, I just can't be bothered.

As Magenta says to Riff-Raff: I grow weary of this world!

skintchick

Mojisola wrote: »

This is what I did with my Mum and am now having to do with my Dad. When he says "Mum has just gone down the shops" to explain why she's not there, I could tell him the truth and say "No, she's dead" and make him try to cope with the dreadful news again and again and again. Instead I say "Oh, has she? I'll see her another time" and start to talk about something else.

It would be downright cruel to tell him the truth every time he forgets that the love of his life and his companion of over 70 years is dead.

Yes it would.

It's not a lie to just agree with him like that, IMO. It's not you saying she's gone down the shops (I personally would have a problem with that) it's him, so you're just playing along.

Being truthful is not the same as being unecessarily blunt.

And I'm sorry you're having to go through that with you're dad, it sounds very hard. :A

mumps

skintchick wrote: »

Yes it would.

It's not a lie to just agree with him like that, IMO. It's not you saying she's gone down the shops (I personally would have a problem with that) it's him, so you're just playing along.

Being truthful is not the same as being unecessarily blunt.

And I'm sorry you're having to go through that with you're dad, it sounds very hard. :A

But surely saying, "I'll see her another time." when you know she is dead is a lie? Perhaps the difference in opinion between people who think white lies are OK and people who don't is more to do with how they define a lie?

notanewuser

madison-nyc wrote: »

The chances of her believing in santa if you don't tell her he's 'real' is slim to none though isn't it?? so you are denying her the option to believe. It's not one of those things you can say she can decide when she's older as , by the time , she's 6/7/8 it's all over anyway.

The fact that you don't have good memories of xmas seem to be a major factor here as if you'd have good memories of waiting for santa , putting the reindeer food out etc. , you wouldn't be going down this route, i'm sure.

Yes , there are many things about xmas that are 'magical' but the majority of them are santa related , you can't deny that.

((Sigh))

I'm sure I've already said that I'm sure she'll pick it up from elsewhere - my parents, DH's parents, her friends' parents, neighbours, television, Christmas cards, music etc.

We don't keep her in a darkened room where she can only hear our voices, you know!!!

My DH has happy memories of Xmas, and he's even more determined than me about not encouraging the Santa thing.

"The majority are Santa related". What an in imaginative world you must live in.

esb83

notanewuser wrote: »

((Sigh))

I'm sure I've already said that I'm sure she'll pick it up from elsewhere - my parents, DH's parents, her friends' parents, neighbours, television, Christmas cards, music etc.

We don't keep her in a darkened room where she can only hear our voices, you know!!!

My DH has happy memories of Xmas, and he's even more determined than me about not encouraging the Santa thing.

"The majority are Santa related". What an in imaginative world you must live in.

Sorry nearly spat my coffee out when reading the We don't keep her in a darkened room where she can only hear our voices, you know!!!:rotfl:

From reading some of the view points regarding Christmas in this thread.I personally believe in the following.Each to there own!!!

What suit's one set of people will certainly not be the case for others.

Also who I am to cast judgement..I think Christmas personally is a load of bull.
The sooner its done with the better.( But that's my opinion. Id rather go away)
If people wanna celebrate great if not that alright too.

In the great scheme of things there's more important things to worry about.

seven-day-weekend

Mojisola wrote: »

This is what I did with my Mum and am now having to do with my Dad. When he says "Mum has just gone down the shops" to explain why she's not there, I could tell him the truth and say "No, she's dead" and make him try to cope with the dreadful news again and again and again. Instead I say "Oh, has she? I'll see her another time" and start to talk about something else.

It would be downright cruel to tell him the truth every time he forgets that the love of his life and his companion of over 70 years is dead.

Yes I can see that you wouldn't keep telling him she was dead when he had forgotten. It would make him relive his grief over and over again. I think I'd just say 'oh I'll just have a cup of tea with you then' or something like that. I personally wouldn't mention her going to the shops or seeing her again, bit everyone has to do it their own way. It must be very difficult.

I wish you and your dad well, it must be very hard for both of you.

Mojisola

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Yes I can see that you wouldn't keep telling him she was dead when he had forgotten. It would make him relive his grief over and over again. I think I'd just say 'oh I'll just have a cup of tea with you then' or something like that. I personally wouldn't mention her going to the shops or seeing her again, bit everyone has to do it their own way. It must be very difficult.

I wish you and your dad well, it must be very hard for both of you.

Thanks. Unfortunately, that was just one example. When the whole day is filled with talking about things from many years ago as if they were happening now, about doing things with people who are long dead and even about things that have never happened as if they're happening now, the "truth" is of little importance.

People with dementia live in a different place to the rest of us. If you want to tell "your truth" to them, you have to deny "their truth". Rather than causing them pain, I am quite happy to go along with what's happening in their reality, even if it means telling outright lies.