Not 'doing' Santa

BugglyB

OP I'm sure your children will not grow up devoid of happiness or magic as some seem to want to accuse you of

As secure and happy teenagers and adults they will probably wear it as a badge of pride.

I wish you and your family every happiness this Christmas.

quinechinoise

mumps wrote: »

But surely saying, "I'll see her another time." when you know she is dead is a lie? Perhaps the difference in opinion between people who think white lies are OK and people who don't is more to do with how they define a lie?

I don't think it's a lie when you're dealing with dementia. The other person is living in a different state of reality. The best you can do is try to accommodate them and keep them calm and content, for the time they have with you. You can only lie to someone who could perceive the truth. I think dementia is a cruel illness: it leaves a shadow of the person with you, while the core that you knew travels further away. God bless all affected by it: those who are ill and their families.

rubyrose

I agree completely with the OP, I have to confess to not having time to read the whole thread however.

My parents never said anything about Santa to us as they wanted us to make our own minds up, did the same with religion. One day my older sister said "Santa isn't real is he?" Mum replied no but don't tell anyone. This was to make sure that the wishes of the other parents remained intact. Also, my parents worked hard for the money to buy presents and didn't want someone else taking the credit!

I never believed either and I was a little scared of the old bloke sneaking into the room at night but my childhood wasn't ruined, some of my friends however were devastated that Santa wasn't real and that their parents had lied to them. I'm sure they got over it relatively quickly but it was there.

As an adult the main thing that I don't like about this subject is I saw a mother threatening her poorly behaved child that if he doesn't behave Santa will see and he'll be angry at him so no presents. I do realise that this example is hopefully rare but there was no explanation of why it is wrong to misbehave etc.

All that being said, just like religion and a wide variety of parenting techniques and lifestyle choices etc, each to their own.

seven-day-weekend

Mojisola wrote: »

Thanks. Unfortunately, that was just one example. When the whole day is filled with talking about things from many years ago as if they were happening now, about doing things with people who are long dead and even about things that have never happened as if they're happening now, the "truth" is of little importance.

People with dementia live in a different place to the rest of us. If you want to tell "your truth" to them, you have to deny "their truth". Rather than causing them pain, I am quite happy to go along with what's happening in their reality, even if it means telling outright lies.

My sister had early-onset Alzheimers. I agree you have to go with their reality. A dreadful illness

skintchick

mumps wrote: »

But surely saying, "I'll see her another time." when you know she is dead is a lie? Perhaps the difference in opinion between people who think white lies are OK and people who don't is more to do with how they define a lie?

I suppose I see this particular example as being akin to playing along with a child's make-believe game. In reality I, like seven-day-weekend, would probably not do much play along as sidestep it. And if I were asked outright, I would tell the truth. But I don't see allowing someone with dementia to live in their own world as a lie.

Would anyone?

skintchick

The word 'do' should be 'so' but I can't get into the post to edit it for some reason.

margaretclare

madison-nyc wrote: »

The chances of her believing in santa if you don't tell her he's 'real' is slim to none though isn't it?? so you are denying her the option to believe. It's not one of those things you can say she can decide when she's older as , by the time , she's 6/7/8 it's all over anyway.

The fact that you don't have good memories of xmas seem to be a major factor here as if you'd have good memories of waiting for santa , putting the reindeer food out etc. , you wouldn't be going down this route, i'm sure.

Yes , there are many things about xmas that are 'magical' but the majority of them are santa related , you can't deny that.

I can't let this one pass.

Last evening, and next Saturday, our church was invited to sing carols in the foyer of the new Holiday Inn, part of the airport redevelopment, as people were arriving for an event. The foyer was decorated nicely but in a restrained way - a Christmas tree but nothing OTT like flashing lights.

We sang the traditional carols and also more modern ones. We 'sang the story', if you like to put it like that. There was no mention of Santa nor of any reindeer, with or without red noses. That story is 'magical' in itself without any commercialised additions.

I don't remember, as a child, hearing anything at all about reindeer. They're not an indigenous species. What on earth is 'reindeer food', what do you assume that they eat? I thought they dug for lichens under the snow in Siberia, places like that.

One of our church members last night told me something I didn't know - that the song 'Dashing through the snow', or 'Jingle Bells' which is often played as a Christmas song, was originally written for the American Thanksgiving, mid-19th century. It doesn't mention reindeer either - a 'one-horse open sleigh'.

We're going out to a local church this afternoon which is advertised in the local paper as a Family Christmas Celebration - the Journey Home. And that will be 'magical', I can guarantee it. This is the 3rd Sunday in Advent and we're getting close to 'homecoming'.

mumps

skintchick wrote: »

I suppose I see this particular example as being akin to playing along with a child's make-believe game. In reality I, like seven-day-weekend, would probably not do much play along as sidestep it. And if I were asked outright, I would tell the truth. But I don't see allowing someone with dementia to live in their own world as a lie.

Would anyone?

As I said in an earlier post I think people are defining lying differently. If I say to someone whose parents are dead that I will be seeing their parents later then I know I am lying. It might be the best thing to do and I would only do it if I thought it was, I have no problem at all in lying in this situation.

It isn't easy to side step if you are caring for someone 24/7, I know when my uncle was alive it was pretty relentless and he would also push for the answer he wanted.

I think we all lie at times, 7DW admitted she lied yesterday even though it is something she doesn't normally agree with. I think she did the right thing in the circumstances and all credit to her she seems to have made a good job of it. Several people have said they would have told me my baby was beautiful and have justified how this wasn't lying. It would have been, my son was so damaged from his delivery people would recoil when they looked in the pram. People are justifying lying to dementia sufferers as that isn't really lying. Can't we just be honest and admit that there are time when we all lie? Perhaps 7DW's son doesn't due to how he is made but I think he is in a small minority if people are really honest.

I am not judging, I am not saying this amount of lying is good but anymore and it is bad, I just think there are situations when it is the best thing to do.

skintchick

I wouldn't personally have said that to the dementia sufferer. I can only say again that I do not lie under any circumstances, that I find another thing to say instead that is not a lie, and that I believe this to be the preferable way to behave.

We are going to have to agree to disagree on this mumps.

lindseykim13

Interesting, i have never enjoyed lying that santa is real, so we fell into a kind of santa the delivery man role. We as parents buy the presents and santa decides if you've been good enough based on the little robin's reports (plenty of robins in out garden this time of the year lol)
So it's kind of half a lie, anyway my oldest 2 10&8 don't believe anymore so just going along with it for my 3yr olds benefit.
Whatever you do childhood doesn't last long!