The Ultimate Incentive natters on. Part 9

clearmydebts

I was hoping it wasn't the dark and twisties when I hadn't seen you for so long.I am not surprised you are feeling like this. There are so many things going on right now.

I will be back later when kiddies are in bed xxx

Birdie85

So sorry you're back battling the dark and twisties Dinah.

Right, firstly I agree with Flower that the lady really ought not to have said such a thing to you. I understand that she went through something unimaginable by losing her own baby, but I don't agree with using that to scare people who are clearly already terrified of the worst happening. It's good that you're back in touch with consultants though, the more monitoring there is of Gracie, the better. Try not to be too clingy and fussy with her, i.e. carry on as normal as she'll figure out that something's up with Mummy and won't be too happy! Not really sure what to suggest about leaving her to sleep in her own room (well done for taking the step, but have been a wrench!), maybe the actual Mums on he thread can help with super sensitive monitors that track breathing etc to keep you reassured. Maybe rig up a webcam so if you wake up worrying about her you can check what she's up to without getting up every time?

As for the money, sadly there's not much I can say that you don't know about. Just try not to worry too much, hiccups happen and as long as you're housed and fed right now that's all that matters.

With NIMs work/uni stuff, it's good that there are some things happening job-wise but at the risk of sounding *really* harsh (I am feeling somewhat hormonal today so everything is coming out harsh ATM )... is it the best idea for him to be heading off to uni and not earning anything for the forseeable future? I'm all for following one's dreams, but I think a degree of selflessness needs to go with that when these dreams take years to materialise and you've got responsibilities. If I had a young baby and my OH told me he was going off to study for several years and it was up to me to pay the bills and cover childcare I'd be telling him to wait until the baby was old enough for pre-school and he'd worked enough to build up a buffer fund (and to make sure he wouldn't just change his mind again). I would do the same if I suddenly woke up and decided I wanted a change of career so this is a two-way street and not a male/female thing IMO.

Nursing courses are *really* hard work; there's all the class work and the ward time (12 hour night shifts anyone?) which sometimes co-incide so you're literally working 18 hours a day... all that on top of 'normal' home life (bearing in mind you'll be stressed because you'll be back at work full time and missing Grace). That's a lot to take on. That's just me in my Captain Cautious mode, but I think that holding off full-time study for a couple of years will be very beneficial to you guys. Just my twopenneth, sorry if I'm out of order for saying anything.

Tete_en_l'Air

Birdie85 wrote: »

Maybe rig up a webcam so if you wake up worrying about her you can check what she's up to without getting up every time?

My cousin has one of those night vision monitor things - pretty creepy when the baby has her eyes open (like Most Haunted!) but might be a good idea if you don't already have one! I don't want to give too much mummy advice since I'm not one, but I'd say try not to smother her in cotton wool, ENJOY her and focus on having fun with her :kisses3:

Re. NIM and uni, I must admit it crossed my mind that the timing's not ideal. Could he even study part time and work part time and you could work part time, and juggle Gracie between you?

My AA has stalled a bit but I'm determined to get that blimmin rainbow blanket/throw finished before the weekend is out!

Lara44

Sorry to hear you are not feeling good Dinah. It is very hard to live with uncertainty, especially if you're a planner. We can only control our lives so far, and (like the other AA) we have to recognise the things that we can't change in order to find ways of living with them. I am a born worrier and don't find that easy either. I hope that you can continue having Gracie monitored and having some counselling and relaxation time for yourself.

I can echo the girls posts about the timing for NIM to go studying. Do you feel comfortable doing another SOA and letting us help you with some ideas? Are there more radical options like downsizing, or getting a lodger that would bear thinking about? NIM will get work for sure, he's a good'un. Hang on in there for another few weeks and things will look brighter, then and only then can you think about what the future should hold. Big hugs xxx

Flower08

Tete_en_l'Air wrote: »

My cousin has one of those night vision monitor things - pretty creepy when the baby has her eyes open (like Most Haunted!) but might be a good idea if you don't already have one!

:rotfl:I could just imagine DS staring into the camera in the middle of the night and scaring the hell out of me.
We had a sensor pad for DS when he was little but what I will say is for us once he got to the stage of rolling around and moving in his bed we had to take it out because he kept moving too far from the pad and setting the alarm off in the middle of the night! (he does get in some very strange positions though and I often go in to find him squashed down the end of the bed).

Dinah things will start getting better soon, try to keep positive xxx

clearmydebts

Dinah93 wrote: »

Hi everyone. Sorry for the silence this way a bit lately, I've been having something of an attack of the dark and twisties. Firstly our money situation is not good, debt has increased quite a lot with me not having maternity pay and now NIM not having a job. So it's hit me hard we're back over £10k (and then a chunk).

Secondly, and probably harder is that I went to a fundraiser for the condition Grace may/may not have. The lady was telling me how an increasing number of children aren't presenting with symptoms until they're 18months-4 years, but once the symptoms appear it's the same straight down route and they're gone within 2 weeks. So I restarted contacting doctors for tests and things previously I'd decided against. I'm finding myself very clingy with her, not helped by this coinciding with her moving into the big cot in her own room, I HATE not having her next to me at night, not coming into our bed for cuddles on a morning, but it had to be done as every time she rolled over in the night she was properly clocking her head off the sides of her crib.

Thirdly I'm struggling to adjust to such a big change and so much uncertainty in our life plans. Three months ago we were going to have a second baby next year and I'd be working part time while raising my gorgeous rugrats. Now NIM will be back at uni in 2014 all being well, when or even if we can afford a second child is a very grey area, and I am finding it hard to accept I won't get to even work part time to care for Grace, I'll be trapped in an office while she's elsewhere until 2021 when NIM finishes study, and by then she'll be all grown up and in school. I kind of think the most important years to be home with them is 0-5, and there is just no way of doing that anymore.

Hows everyone doing with Achievement April? I've achieved 3 so far I think, going to take a punt at reaching 5 by the end of the month, but I have begun a few more as well.

Right am back again.

First off - I think that lady was very cruel with what she said. I understand she has been through a horrific time herself, but she had to have known what she was saying. I am so p*ssed off at her on behalf of you! However, I am glad you are contacting the doctors re: tests, as you are taking control and that is a good thing. I can't understand what you are going through, as I have been lucky to not have any health complaints with my 2, but I understand why you are being clingy to Grace. Cuddle away - baby snuggles are the best!

I have mentioned the Angelcare monitor a few times I think. We found it great for the 2 kids. It is hard putting a baby in a separate room, there is a sense of a physical wrench there but it is a step forward, and all part of them getting a little bit older and more independent xxx

Now - I am going to be harsh. I agree with the others. I don't feel now is the right time for NIM to be studying. My OH went back to study music for 2 years in 2007, but we had no commitments at the time. Last year he broached the subject of doing his masters in his profession as he wants to diversify. He has the potential to make a good bit more money and have more job staisfaction, but I have told him that he can look into it when we get rid of the debt, buy a car and then buy a house. The fees are huge and our priority now is providing a safe and stable house for our children. Then we can look into doing other things.

Can you both work part-time at the moment, so one of you is always home with Grace? Being at home with her (at least part-time) is very important to you and I don't think it is worth the sacrifice of that for NIM to go to college. Do you have to have another baby soon (health wise) or can you both knuckle down, get rid of the debts, enjoy Grace and then TTC?

tinkerbel

Dont want to read and run but I basically agree with the others about the uni thing, it just seems like the timing is all wrong and delaying it a little at least while you pay off the debt/Grace is a bit older and can go to childcare might be the best option as otherwise it sounds like you'll just worry yourself so much!
Whats going on with you going back to work? I thought you were going to do extended hours/reduced week or something, could that fit around NIMs 22 hours a week in terms of looking after Grace because I thought you said before you earned a good amount and if you get your income back surely you would be able to knock the socks off that £10k debt?
What else do you have up your sleeve in terms of paying it off? Is NIMs dad going to send any more pallets of stuff over? Or is the main focus your dad's business? I'm sure you can do it and you have all of our support but I know it weighs over you so best to get rid asap then you have a lot less to worry about! Is NIM signed up for all of the right benefits and all of that? If he works 22 hours is there any extra help you can get?

Tete_en_l'Air

Lara44 wrote: »

We can only control our lives so far, and (like the other AA) we have to recognise the things that we can't change in order to find ways of living with them.

I love you Lara, you're definitely the Wise Owl of the thread

Hope you're feeling a bit brighter this morning Dinah xx

Flower08

tinkerbel wrote: »

Is NIM signed up for all of the right benefits and all of that? If he works 22 hours is there any extra help you can get?

Yes do check this out, make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to. Have you looked into tax credits? You might be entitled now.

zigmeister

I'd only be repeating what the other girls have said; they've given some wonderful advice. But I just wanted to send my love. I hope going back to the doctor puts your mind at rest, and if being clingy helps then why not? I'm sure Grace isn't gonna mind lots of cuddles with Mummy Stay strong, often life ends up working itself out but you know you have endless support on here xx