I just dont "get" some people...

top_drawer_2

Right this is just a rant which I feel uncomfortable having anywhere else

I struggle to make friends - no real idea as to why but confidence, long term issues around family leading to depression, no common interest bond surrounding wine/alcohol and not being a spontaneous sort of person... Anyway I I met someone by accident and we really got along and I honestly thought all the work I had put into things had finally clicked and I made a friend who I could just be me with!

She asked me to go on a 4-day city break with her and another friend and I agreed, they had already planned things they wanted to do and I was happy with the plans. I booked to stay in the same hostel but was quite concerned about staying in a hostel as lack of sleep still affected me quite strongly and I was worried that the hostel would be awful but despite my reservations I booked to stay in the only available spaces; an 8-bed the 1st night, 10-bed the second, 4-bed the 3rd and 4th nights. I spoke to someone about my worries and they said not to worry and pointed out I could always stay in my friends room. I mentioned this to my friend and she seemed fine with it and she said she would mention it to the other girl.

The other girl said that she would prefer that their room was just for them. My friend didnt/would expand on the why she felt like this. After much agonising and talking to my friend I cancelled my booking. Admittedly I was quite angry that this girl who I never met had put a spanner in the works over something I felt was quite petty (and I kind of suspect my friend would have agreed if this girl hadn't been her friend for a long time).

Anyway, I had her round for a meal at my house but I felt I was filling the space all the time with stuff about myself - sort of talking to fill the silence with nothing coming back from her really (although she moved her lips so to speak). Same when we met for coffee and eventually I just didnt see her for months. Saw her in the street (late at night) and she said she was rushing for a bus - fair enough but nothing then.

During the summer I was leaving the bank machine and she seemed to be stopping to talk to her, I was ready to just say a polite hello and keep walking ... Instead we spoke at some length, she told me about her new flat and I spoke about my life. She even saidand I quote "You was very welcome to pop around for a brew sometime" 10 days later it was a lovely day and I was off work so did just that........ no response. Later she was on fb saying what a fab day she had had, visiting friends and relaxing the sun. Later the same month she texted me regarding something about a house later the same month but it didnt sound suitable for what I was looking for, I did ask some questions and never heard from her again.

Anyway, I saw her tonight in the street and she kind of ducked her head to adjust the shopping bag she was holding. I didn't call her or anything but it kind of reminded me that I am "friends" with her on fb, it seems really sad we cant even say Hello and it really saddened me that I have managed to do that - go from having what I thought was potentially a great friend to someone who I doesn't want to say hello to me in the street.

Thanks for listening,
TD

marisco_2

She sounds like bl**dy hard work. A good friend wouldn't blatantly ignore you and leave you questioning your relationship with them to the degree this person does. Stop wasting your time on someone who gives so little back and invest some energy in getting out there, mixing and meeting some great new people.

top_drawer_2

You are right. However, this is much harder than it sounds. I have been "putting myself out there" for awhile and still I have maybe one friend who I could ask to go to stuff....

I don't know whether to just delete her as a "friend" of fb or not as it kind of reminds me how things turned out .... I would kind of like to know why she behaved like she did but it seems a bit sad after all this time - trip was to take place last summer i.e 2011.

January20

The hard truth is that there probably isn't a satisfactory reply to why she is behaving like this. She sounds like a bit of a flaky friend, hard work as someone else said. There are so many people like that (sigh!).

If it were me, I would delete her from fb, but then I find it's easier to get people like that out of my life. Otherwise, I find they fill my life with negativity one way or another.

I can never understand why people say things like "oh we'll have to go for coffee, or you'll have to come round etc" when they actually don't mean it - at all!

Not much help this post - just know it's not just you!

Mado

Keep trying.
Eventually it will work.
There are plenty of people who feel lonely, it's not unusual; you just need to connect to the right ones.

I'm very pleased as I have at long last managed to organise an outing with a woman I had met a few times and really liked... 5 of us went to the movies and we're planning to go again in December.

thegirlintheattic

Sounds to me that either you didn't get on as well as you thought or she thought you were hard work for cancelling the holiday plans you had with her.

lovewealthhappiness

Unfortunately it's just one of those things, it's possible she's feeling awkward about how she's been which is why she didn't want to acknowledge you, there's always another side that we don't know about. But, if she doesn't want to share that then there's nothing you can do, just put it down to experience, hold your head high and move on. We can be our own worst enemies by over thinking why things are as they are, try not to think about it too much. I wouldn't delete her on fb unless it really bothers you - I basically cried everytime I saw someones updates, and because of that I deleted them, I didn't really want to but it was the only way I could cope with what had happened. Perhaps you could just hide her updates?

Sorry you're feeling so bad about things, I know how hard it is.

top_drawer_2

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

Sounds to me that either you didn't get on as well as you thought or she thought you were hard work for cancelling the holiday plans you had with her.

She still went with her friend as originally planned.

If I had gone I would have had to sleep in a different bed knowing that if something happened i.e people being noisy or a group of 7 people in the same room who all knew each other and my friend and her friend wanted to spend time in their two person room I would be out in the cold effectively. She even went onto say if I wasn't happy with the arrangement then I should look to find somewhere which did suit me - i.e you are on your own come what may!

I also felt that it was very unreasonable and was concerned what other restrictions this girl may place on the holiday - I'm not allowed to eat with them or maybe they have lots of special friend time which I cant be involved in either. I felt that as my friend was so willing to allow herself to go along with this then the sky was the limit effectively.

kitschkitty

top_drawer wrote: »

I spoke to someone about my worries and they said not to worry and pointed out I could always stay in my friends room. I mentioned this to my friend and she seemed fine with it and she said she would mention it to the other girl.

The other girl said that she would prefer that their room was just for them. My friend didnt/would expand on the why she felt like this. After much agonising and talking to my friend I cancelled my booking. Admittedly I was quite angry that this girl who I never met had put a spanner in the works over something I felt was quite petty (and I kind of suspect my friend would have agreed if this girl hadn't been her friend for a long time).
TD

Sorry to put a downer on your situation but I can understand where this may have come from. It sounds like she is/was already better friends with this other person if they had already made arrangements to share a room, and while it was nice for you to be invited along too I can understand why this other friend who doesn't know you might not want to share a room (from genuine reasons, through to thoroughly selfish ones).

If you gave any indication to your friend that you were angry about the situation when you cancelled she may have decided that you were being unfair/too much hard work etc.

I am NOT saying that you are, but it can be very difficult to integrate friends/friendship groups. Also if her friends (such as the one she went away with) are very easy going, or don't face issues like the one you had to consider, they may not realise how serious it is for you and so that lack of understanding can easily be blown up into more, and/or any small thing that happens between you - just regular conversations or interactions can be seen as more than they are.

Sometimes it's hard to take a step back and take a friendship more lightly, but sometimes people can feel a bit suffocated (even over nothing) and then end up going off in the other direction up to and including avoiding you.

I would say remain a facebook friend, but don't expect her to be there when you need her etc. more a friend you just pass the time of day with and have a light conversation/catch up with occasionally.

Sambucus_Nigra

TD - it looks to me like you blew them out...rather than her blowing you out. Who is to know?

bestpud

I think they maybe thought you spat your dummy out because you didn't get your own way.

I'm not saying that was the case but rather trying to see where your friend is coming from.

I would not be happy sharing with someone I dont know, even if they are a friend of a friend. That would cause me as much anxiety as being in a dorm with strangers. Was it a 2 bed room they'd booked? Where would you have slept?

On the flipside, I would feel like an outsider if there were three of us and the other two had their own room so I can see why you were concerned.

Have you tried asking outright what she thinks went wrong with your friendship? Maybe a direct approach will clear the air?