I just dont "get" some people...

LannieDuck

I think you're expecting more from the friendship than she is. She thinks you're a casual friend, you're gearing up for a 'best friends' type of relationship.

When she said to 'pop around' one day, she probably expected you to call/text first to check she was in. You really can't hold her responsible for not being there.

And 'ducking her head in the street'... did she really see you? Are you sure? Because if she's doing that, I wouldn't have expected her to have a nice long conversation with you and invite you round for a drink previously. I think you're reading too much into it.

Incidentally, on that occasion she didn't say hi to you (although she may not have seen you)... but you didn't say hi to her either! And we know that you saw her. Why didn't you just go over and chat?

top_drawer_2

Hello,

Thanks everyone for your replies. Overall I decided that it was best to end the contact. I didn't make it clear though that I would book my own bed and was keen to try out hostelling and meet new people BUT should things not go too plan then I wanted a back up plan "worst case scenerio" and that is where this friend said a resounding NO.

that I texted her beforehand of planning to pop round for a brew - around mid morning and never received a reply.

I just find people difficult. That's all there is to it. I've tried to get along with people and sometimes I succeed but most of the time I fail. Sometimes I guess it is my fault but sometimes its definitely the other persons.

Maybe we didnt get along as well as I thought ... I don't know anymore as I dont know whether to trust my feelings.

I kind of thought that if someone invites someone on holiday they are in it all together .... I just couldn't comprehend that they would invite me along and then expect that I sleep elsewhere. What clarified things for me that another friend pointed out that me and her had been in a similar situation in the past and had behaved very differently - maybe its me but I couldn't leave a friend or even a friend of a friend in bad position as she seemed to be willing to do.

I decided that anyone who could behave this way was unlikely to be someone I wanted to meet and although it meant I didnt get to go along to a massive event + do some lovely things it also meant I didn't feel that I was there on the tolerance of someone else. I cancelled the trip with the agreement of my "friend" as we both came to the conclusion that it wouldn't be good for our friendship. We agreed it would affect things etc but things weren't the same afterwards.

I think too much time has passed since it all happened and she hasn't approached me since the "come round for a brew sometime" incident - not so much as a text and I feel she did deliberately ignore me in the street. This isn't based on that sole incident but the overall context.

I may be a bit needy but I understand I cant get everything from a friendship and do try to keep it under wraps. However, this situation tried my boundaries but I feel I behaved extremely well throughout and lost out regardless.

LannieDuck - Maybe I wanted more than she did, maybe she gets along with lots of people and so finds people like me all the time who think they want to be her best friend....

I suspect she didn't think I would call/text her or maybe she quite enjoys having lots of friends on tap/being busy and then when she has enough she drops the ones she doesn't feel are what she wants afterall (part of my getting out there socialising has involved this in relation to events). I was walking along a busy high street, I opened my mouth to say I hi, she ducked her head and kept walking. Maybe she didn't see me, maybe she did ....... TBH I think I have huge issues around rejection and this is part of my downward spiral - I get into negative thinking/rumination which confirms my own hypothsis and this dragged up a lot of things for me. I am going to put this relationship/friendship to bed and look into psychotherapy again. I thought I had worked hard enough on my confidence/emotional management to have go there but clearly not. Any constructive (and I dont mean it as in stuff that only agrees with what I say/think) comments/suggestions are welcome.

TD

barbarawright

top_drawer wrote: »

Hello,

Thanks everyone for your replies. Overall I decided that it was best to end the contact. I didn't make it clear though that I would book my own bed and was keen to try out hostelling and meet new people BUT should things not go too plan then I wanted a back up plan "worst case scenerio" and that is where this friend said a resounding NO.

that I texted her beforehand of planning to pop round for a brew - around mid morning and never received a reply.

I just find people difficult. That's all there is to it. I've tried to get along with people and sometimes I succeed but most of the time I fail. Sometimes I guess it is my fault but sometimes its definitely the other persons.

Maybe we didnt get along as well as I thought ... I don't know anymore as I dont know whether to trust my feelings.

I kind of thought that if someone invites someone on holiday they are in it all together .... I just couldn't comprehend that they would invite me along and then expect that I sleep elsewhere. What clarified things for me that another friend pointed out that me and her had been in a similar situation in the past and had behaved very differently - maybe its me but I couldn't leave a friend or even a friend of a friend in bad position as she seemed to be willing to do.

I decided that anyone who could behave this way was unlikely to be someone I wanted to meet and although it meant I didnt get to go along to a massive event + do some lovely things it also meant I didn't feel that I was there on the tolerance of someone else. I cancelled the trip with the agreement of my "friend" as we both came to the conclusion that it wouldn't be good for our friendship. We agreed it would affect things etc but things weren't the same afterwards.

I think too much time has passed since it all happened and she hasn't approached me since the "come round for a brew sometime" incident - not so much as a text and I feel she did deliberately ignore me in the street. This isn't based on that sole incident but the overall context.

I may be a bit needy but I understand I cant get everything from a friendship and do try to keep it under wraps. However, this situation tried my boundaries but I feel I behaved extremely well throughout and lost out regardless.

LannieDuck - Maybe I wanted more than she did, maybe she gets along with lots of people and so finds people like me all the time who think they want to be her best friend....

I suspect she didn't think I would call/text her or maybe she quite enjoys having lots of friends on tap/being busy and then when she has enough she drops the ones she doesn't feel are what she wants afterall (part of my getting out there socialising has involved this in relation to events). I was walking along a busy high street, I opened my mouth to say I hi, she ducked her head and kept walking. Maybe she didn't see me, maybe she did ....... TBH I think I have huge issues around rejection and this is part of my downward spiral - I get into negative thinking/rumination which confirms my own hypothsis and this dragged up a lot of things for me. I am going to put this relationship/friendship to bed and look into psychotherapy again. I thought I had worked hard enough on my confidence/emotional management to have go there but clearly not. Any constructive (and I dont mean it as in stuff that only agrees with what I say/think) comments/suggestions are welcome.

TD

The 'come round for a brew incident', if I've got it right, is that she extended an open invitation, you invited herself at short notice and she wasn't in. If she was busy all day, she may well have done what lots of us do - look at her phone, think 'I'll answer that when my chum goes to the bar' and then forgotten about it. I don't really understand what she's done wrong, to be honest. Why not just carry on as you are - maybe something will come up that you'd like to ask her to and you can have a relaxing, undemanding friendship with no over-analysing?

Hermia

top_drawer wrote: »

I kind of thought that if someone invites someone on holiday they are in it all together .... I just couldn't comprehend that they would invite me along and then expect that I sleep elsewhere. What clarified things for me that another friend pointed out that me and her had been in a similar situation in the past and had behaved very differently - maybe its me but I couldn't leave a friend or even a friend of a friend in bad position as she seemed to be willing to do.

I think the problem we all have with friendship is that we all see it in different ways and impose that on other people. For example, some people think a good friend is the person who tells you what you don't want to hear. Others think a good friend will always be your cheerleader. If these two types of people become friends it could be a disaster, but it's not anyone's fault. In this case you had one idea of how friends behave on a trip away and these other people had another. I do know people who enjoy very loose arrangements on holiday and I don't think your friends necessarily set out to hurt you. It has been a learning experience for you because now you know what you need from a group holiday and can make your feelings clearer from the beginning in future.

I just wonder whether it might be worth you working on making some acquaintances rather than friends at the moment. I just wonder whether it would help to put yourself in a social situation that is focused around an activity and just get to know people very casually. I'm a bit socially awkward at times and I do find going to something like an evening class really useful. You get to interact with people from all different backgrounds and work on your social skills, but you don't need to get emotionally involved. You can also watch people and see how they deal with each other and learn from them (e.g. I would have been upset by that remark, but the recipient is laughing her head off. Maybe I need to remember that in future).

londonsurrey

Have you been diagnosed with any conditions? It may help tremendously.

Do you think you could handle a "not best friend" friendship, or is it too much hard work for you, and so find it preferable to not bother with casual friends?

The reason why I ask is that I have elements of it, and the man next door has huge amounts of it. I shall call him Tom.

He's always been a bit "different", but my late husband and I were helpful and friendly to him. Then he got the hump about something, never told us what it was, and stalked past us for a couple of years.

Then my husband died, and Tom tried to boss me about. After that, he suddenly started giving me presents, which I politely declined after the first one, which was a music CD.

Then he tried to boss me about again. He basically seemed to have decided I was now an "available" female, and was undecided as to what uses I had for him - someone to boss about and defer to him as an alpha male, a pseudo girlfriend, someone to mother him.

The neighbour on the other side of him had warned us that there would be two days of drilling in her house. On day one, Tom called me, to complain about a crash in the night that had come from my house, and in the next breath, to expect me to comfort him about the noise from the house next to him. He was expecting to bully me whilst expecting comfort from me!

Note that he never complained about ANY noise when my husband was alive, and was now complaining that this widowed neighbour who lives alone with her cats and used to work in a library is too noisy. AND he didn't complain to the MALE builder who was actually making the noise from the other house that he was complaining about.

He's now very upset with me, because I haven't fully met his needs. There's nothing I can do for him, not as long as he expects me to be his bestest friend, pseudo girlfriend and mummy. I'm just a smiley helpful average neighbour - I'm not going to let a 50+ year old man who never managed to leave home bully me. Why should I? He's not my husband, father or brother, not that it acceptable from any of those relatives anyhow.

But from his point of view, I'm a bad neighbour who hasn't fulfilled some contract he's made up. I even have emails from him actually outlining some of his expectations, which he obviously considers reasonable.

Felicity

You sound like a lovely lady, can I be your friend? :-)

Some people are just odd, it's just a fact of life that we all don't get along. I have realised recently that life is just like that ... the good news however is that there are some lovely people in the world.

Please don't let this bad experience spoil future relationships for you. I wish I could help you more but I can only tell you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and find some new friends x

kitschkitty

top_drawer wrote: »

Hello,

Thanks everyone for your replies. Overall I decided that it was best to end the contact. I didn't make it clear though that I would book my own bed and was keen to try out hostelling and meet new people BUT should things not go too plan then I wanted a back up plan "worst case scenerio" and that is where this friend said a resounding NO.

Wanting a back up plan is fine but when your preferred back up plan didn't fit in with your friends wishes then you have compromise or find an alternative. You simply can't make a friend change their mind/way of thinking to agree with yours, it really doesn't work that way. You friend may have been uncaring, or she simply may have put her point of view forward and you took it as a personal insult.

that I texted her beforehand of planning to pop round for a brew - around mid morning and never received a reply.

So you cannot be mad at her for not being in. There was a 50/50 change she wouldn't be in. If she had said come on over I'm in then not been you would have had a good reason to be upset. The fact that she didn't answer is no big issue, people live busy lives and don't always check their phones regularly.

I just find people difficult. That's all there is to it. I've tried to get along with people and sometimes I succeed but most of the time I fail. Sometimes I guess it is my fault but sometimes its definitely the other persons.

Maybe we didnt get along as well as I thought ... I don't know anymore as I dont know whether to trust my feelings.

I don't think you should dismiss your feelings, but you need to take time to consider what might make other people act differently than you would in any given situation. The more you can understand that everyone has different thoughts, feelings and ways of doing things the more easily you can deal with different situations and not take things personally when others react differently to how you would, or how you wish they would.

I kind of thought that if someone invites someone on holiday they are in it all together .... I just couldn't comprehend that they would invite me along and then expect that I sleep elsewhere. What clarified things for me that another friend pointed out that me and her had been in a similar situation in the past and had behaved very differently - maybe its me but I couldn't leave a friend or even a friend of a friend in bad position as she seemed to be willing to do.

As I said above you can't judge everyone by the same standards, we all see things differently - your understanding and expectations of the situation weren't the same as this particular friends. Doesn't make your friends right or wrong.

I decided that anyone who could behave this way was unlikely to be someone I wanted to meet I think that's a bit of a harsh and rash judgement. and although it meant I didnt get to go along to a massive event + do some lovely things it also meant I didn't feel that I was there on the tolerance of someone else. I cancelled the trip with the agreement of my "friend" as we both came to the conclusion that it wouldn't be good for our friendship. We agreed it would affect things etc but things weren't the same afterwards.

Understandable given your reaction.

I think too much time has passed since it all happened and she hasn't approached me since the "come round for a brew sometime" incident - not so much as a text and I feel she did deliberately ignore me in the street. This isn't based on that sole incident but the overall context.

I may be a bit needy but I understand I cant get everything from a friendship and do try to keep it under wraps. However, this situation tried my boundaries but I feel I behaved extremely well throughout and lost out regardless.

LannieDuck - Maybe I wanted more than she did, maybe she gets along with lots of people and so finds people like me all the time who think they want to be her best friend....

I suspect she didn't think I would call/text her or maybe she quite enjoys having lots of friends on tap/being busy and then when she has enough she drops the ones she doesn't feel are what she wants afterall (part of my getting out there socialising has involved this in relation to events). I was walking along a busy high street, I opened my mouth to say I hi, she ducked her head and kept walking. Maybe she didn't see me, maybe she did ....... TBH I think I have huge issues around rejection and this is part of my downward spiral - I get into negative thinking/rumination which confirms my own hypothsis and this dragged up a lot of things for me. I am going to put this relationship/friendship to bed and look into psychotherapy again. I thought I had worked hard enough on my confidence/emotional management to have go there but clearly not. Any constructive (and I dont mean it as in stuff that only agrees with what I say/think) comments/suggestions are welcome.

TD

I do think counselling or any type of talking therapy will continue to help you deal with these issues, it can be hard to let go of things and take things lightly/not take them to heart, especially if you are the kind of person who has strong feelings or if you tend to over think situations. From what you've told us it doesn't sound like any major incident, but that you've unfortunately not been able to take the situation lightly and brush it off. You can't change your personality overnight, but I think the more you can explore your feelings and how you deal with other people the easier you will come to find things over time.

Dunroamin

top_drawer wrote: »

that I texted her beforehand of planning to pop round for a brew - around mid morning and never received a reply.

But you went round anyway - why would you do that?



I kind of thought that if someone invites someone on holiday they are in it all together .... I just couldn't comprehend that they would invite me along and then expect that I sleep elsewhere.

But you were going to sleep in the same hostel as she was.


TD

I'm sure you're a lovely person but you do sound like hard work. Sorry.

Felicity

Dunroamin wrote: »

I'm sure you're a lovely person but you do sound like hard work. Sorry.

I am not sure that is what the OP wants to hear right now. Shame on you really if that is the only comment you can make on her post .... why bother?

marleyboy

The amount of introverted, shy and sadly friendless people that pass one another rather routinely day by day is staggering, if just one of them were to say "hi" to the other to break the ice, they may be surprised just what a good friend they have found.

The extroverted, outgoing and open person, who has no trouble in finding new friends can literally pick and choose who to hang out with from one day to the next.

However, it is no competition out there, you want to take the bull by the horns and meet people who you may or may not regard as a friend, try not to be too clingy if you find a friend as it could potentially make yourself and them feel pressured in trying to impress, which is not what real friends are all about.

What I am trying to say is that there are people out there in exactly the same boat as yourself, not wanting to appear too open they inadvertently shut themselves off to others, a sense of untrustworthy or negativity about one another leaves them blind to those in the very same boat.

A crack in the ice is all it really would take, you will find a best friend in the most unlikely of places. You could be waiting for a bus in the rain or be shopping for groceries when you meet them, it only takes one of you to break the ice. a simple acknowledgement of the weather or the burden of shopping could be enough to start the ball rolling.

Good friends usually start off by first a brief insignificant conversation, a smile or chuckle with one another, followed by a chance meeting with one another. True friends do not go around looking for one another, they find each other. Groups of friends are generally friends of friends.

Besides OP, you have plenty of friends on here, whether or not you meet them in person. Keep your chin up and think positively, late fate deal with the matchmaking.

Good luck OP