OH splashing the cash on his family

Make-it-3

Before anyone says, yes I know once marrried his family is my family too.

Its partly a cultural thing, partly him wanting to show off in an "aren't I doing well way" (reality is somewhat different!), but I think his priorities are twisted.

He's just gifted his parents a kitchen appliance costing £500 which he only told me about afterwards. When we go and stay he gives them money for "our keep" (again I usually only find out about when I see the bank statement) as well as taking them out for meals etc, we'll probably spend around another £1k on presents for the extended family for our upcoming Xmas visit.

It not about this, but they never buy us gifts and when his parents came for an extended stay with us he literally paid for everything including giving them spending money. Btw his parents are retired with a good pension and live very nice lives (we probably struggle more than they do in these times, despite the appearance OH gives).

In my book, token gifts on birthdays etc for family is fine, but our money should be for supporting ourselves and our daughter unless there is a real need.

When I bring this up, OH always turns it on me and says I am stingy with my family!

:mad:

newcook

does it come out of a joint pot or is it out of his money after all bills/joint savings etc have been done?

if its out of your joint pot I would be fuming but if its out of his own personal saving pot, there isnt really much that could be said (though if you as a family are struggling sometimes I would be p!ssed off that he is spending money when its needed at home and would be having more than serious words about it!)

fluffnutter

What bothers you so much? Do you feel you're going without so that he can be generous? Do you feel his family take him for granted? On the face of it, you have a loving and generous husband. These are lovely qualities, surely?

Have you and your daughter got everything you need? If so, then does it matter?

lika_86

Make-it-3 wrote: »

In my book, token gifts on birthdays etc for family is fine, but our money should be for supporting ourselves and our daughter unless there is a real need.

Did you parents always get you token gifts for your birthday?

Or did you ever get the shiny bike or latest fad item that you really wanted but didn't need and that your parents bought you because it would make you happy?

Personally, now I'm an adult it's time to do a little something to try and show my mum that I appreciate her. As long as I can afford to of course. But everyone likes a few treats they wouldn't buy themselves (even if they aren't badly off).

Person_one

newcook wrote: »

does it come out of a joint pot or is it out of his money after all bills/joint savings etc have been done?

if its out of your joint pot I would be fuming but if its out of his own personal saving pot, there isnt really much that could be said (though if you as a family are struggling sometimes I would be p!ssed off that he is spending money when its needed at home and would be having more than serious words about it!)

They're married, everything's joint.

Turtle

Person_one wrote: »

They're married, everything's joint.

Maybe lawfully but they might not treat their money like that. Me and OH are getting married in May and will continue to keep our own money as well as a joint account for household things and before you tell me it won't last we've been together for 17 years and it's always worked very well for us.

belfastgirl23

I tend to think that interfering in your OH's relationship with their family is a bit of a no-go. Every family has its own cultural norms - you don't know the history to this arrangement and indeed it's possible that his parents aren't as well off as they look for whatever reason. By all means ask questions and try to understand why your OH wants to do this. And if it has an impact on your joint finances then he probably should talk to you about it ahead of time.

My OH is very generous to his family as well but it's one of the things I love about him. He always talks to me first though and I appreciate the gesture even though I wouldn't oppose him on it.

Person_one

Turtle wrote: »

Maybe lawfully but they might not treat their money like that. Me and OH are getting married in May and will continue to keep our own money as well as a joint account for household things and before you tell me it won't last we've been together for 17 years and it's always worked very well for us.

I've no idea if it will last, but if you ever were to get divorced the courts wouldn't care at all how many accounts you keep all your joint money in!

Turtle

Person_one wrote: »

I've no idea if it will last, but if you ever were to get divorced the courts wouldn't care at all how many accounts you keep all your joint money in!

I know they wouldn't and that's not why we have separate accounts. We'd happily give each other our last penny. But my point was that the OP might not keep all their money together, if the husband has his own account (and the OP her own as well) and they have an agreement that that money is his and he can spend it on what he wants then that is different to having everything in a joint account and supposedly making joint decisions on what it's spent on.

SuzieSue

Unfortunately, it looks like your husband is one of those people who needs to show the world that they are more rich and successful than everyone else.

I really don't know what you can do about it, except to try and see him see sense, but if he is like a lot of people, he will not want to listen and it will probably end up in an argument.

I totally understand how you feel and I wouldn't be happy about it at all (helping a deserving relative is one thing but simply flauting your money on luxuries is totally unnecessary). The fact that he does not discuss it with you first is also unacceptable. Does he feel that it is his money to do with as he wishes and not yours as a couple?

embob74

I have been over-generous to my mum which I think goes back to me wanting to please her
Also it's easy to compensate for not seeing somebody by paying for them/ buying them things. It will depend on how you are brought up I would think.