Falsely accused of bullying in school l

dissy

Seabreeze
It is not up to you to question why a child with aspergers is in mainstream school. It is the job of LEA to say if that is the best place for him. He will not be removed because of his lack of social skills because you think he should wise up.

daska

bestpud wrote: »

I agree their banter could be classed as bullying, especially if they are making up sketches, because the boy may not understand they are only acting. It's also possible they are deliberately using the sketches to insult him and think they can get away with it as it's only 'acting'.

A group of close friends can easily influence others in the class too, especially against a pupil viewed as different.

That said, children with aspergers do misinterpret social situations a lot, so it is foolish to take their word as gospel just because they don't lie easily! If he has misjudged the situation then he won't need to lie in order to get them into trouble!

I also know such children are capable of being nasty themselves and forgetting their part in the situation. My daughter has been on the receiving end of this, to the point she couldn't do a darn thing right, and the mother was constantly telling me dd had done this, that and the next thing.

When I listened to the two of them secretly and observed them more closely, it was clear the child with aspergers was relaying a one -sided version of events and it was actually my daughter who was giving the true version.

The other girl wasn't deliberately lying but rather she was only able to see from her own viewpoint.

Also, she was running off and telling her mum everything my dd did, whereas dd was only telling adults if this girl did more serious stuff, which also skewed the view of us adults.

Long winded but there is two sides to every story and it's not clear what is actually happening here so you are right to look into it further OP.

Sorry, I agree with most of what you say but I think it's important to remember that lying involves intentionally telling an untruth. It may seem a petty point to some but intent is implicit and that's difficult to assume with someone who has Aspergers.

bestpud

daska wrote: »

Sorry, I agree with most of what you say but I think it's important to remember that lying involves intentionally telling an untruth. It may seem a petty point to some but intent is implicit and that's difficult to assume with someone who has Aspergers.

Badly worded probably but I was trying to say people with aspergers may not tell lies as such but their version of the truth may be very one sided.

It could be that neither side is lying.

System

Fosterdog wrote: »

I may be bashed for saying this but as someone with an Aspie brother and who has worked with Aspie children part of the condition for most includes an almost complete inability to lie. If he is saying he is being bullied then he probably is.

What you and your daughter see as lighthearted banter is bullying, it is causing upset to another person and it doesn't matter whether that person has any sort of condition or not, if he feels bullied and victimised then it is for a reason.

You need to start teaching your daughter some life lessons and maybe teach her about Aspergers, if she understands why this boy has "funny" habits/personality traits she will be more tolerant and will stop making fun of him.

He has a condition that makes socialising and understanding other people very difficult, unless your daughter has a similar condition she is the one who needs to learn some compassion and tolerance of someone who is different.

well said ! just because the girl says its not bullying doesn't mean it isn't.

pollypenny

OP, as others have said, you need to make an appointment with the Head of House to discuss the relationships between your daughter, her group of friends and this boy.

Please write you points down - as points - before the meeting, so that you can be calm and focused.

If you just blurt things out, as your post read, you will get nowhere.

I suspect it's a misunderstanding - on both sides.

Bitsy_Beans

http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction.aspx


Back on topic my son has ASD and he sometimes suggests other kids are either not his friends or have done some thing to him. Unfortunately most of the time his perception doesn't match reality as he's misinterpreting peer behaviour. Throw into the mix the desire to control and direct play. He's not lying as such but has got completely the wrong end of the stick.

However having been a teenage girl myself and seen what groups of them can be like I don't believe they would have tolerated an "odd" boy following them around and have said nothing. My gut says some verbal p!ss taking has probably been going on.

Pollycat

jenhug wrote: »

I have 2 girls. 11 and 13.

The 13 year old is an Aspie. The 11 year old is Neurotypical, or "normal" to the standard person.

13 year old Aspie finds break times very difficult times. She is unable to eat her food in the canteen for example, due to the sounds and smells she becomes over stimulated and panics, and more often than not will vomit due to the stress of it all.

My 11 year old loves lunchtime and sees it as a great social occasion.

I would be lying if I said my normally lovely 11 year old was still perfectly behaved when she is with her friends. Of course she isn't. She will, amongst other things, be showing off, this could well include putting someone down due to hairstyle, shoes, etc etc. She knows if she did it in front of her family she would be in trouble, but as a group of pre teens it is "just" harmless banter.

My eldest has suffered years of abuse from children that you would see in the street and would think butter wouldn't melt. We have had our house pelted with stuff, by kids who have great parents, but pack mentality takes over.

I am sorry but if your school feels there are reasonable grounds to accuse your daughter and her friend's of bullying, then they quite probably are.

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right - but are you saying that if an 11 year old girl 'puts someone down' because of their hairsyle or clothes, you see it as 'just' harmless banter or they see it as 'just' harmless banter?

Thanks

jenhug

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right - but are you saying that if an 11 year old girl 'puts someone down' because of their hairsyle or clothes, you see it as 'just' harmless banter or they see it as 'just' harmless banter?

Thanks

Most definitely they would see it as harmless. If I saw it as harmless i wouldn't have used speech marks.

I do not condone such behaviour, and my youngest on the whole, I think is pretty tolerant of people with differences, mainly due to living with her sister. It would be pretty naive of me to think it didn't go on though.

Pollycat

OK, thanks for the clarification.

It must be very upsetting for a young person to be the target of a personal put-down.

It seems strange (at least to me) that you say your daughter wouldn't do it in front of her family but may do when she is with her peers as that says she knows it's wrong.

jenhug

I don't think its strange particularly. There are quite a few things I don't do in front of my parents, even at my age! I think as a child many of us would have done something that with hindsight, wasn't very nice, or clever.

If she did make a comment, she is 11, she is still learning (aren't we all??) I would correct her.

It is upsetting at any age to be at the wrong end of a put down.