Falsely accused of bullying in school l

giantmutantbroccoli

I'm sure it's very upsetting for you, and for your daughter and her friends, but when you go to the meeting with the teacher do make sure you listen to their description of what is going on and don't just dismiss it out of hand because you know your daughter wouldn't do that.

I was bullied for years when I was at school, and part of the reason it went on for so long was because the kids involved were top of the class, good natured little angels who wouldn't hurt a fly - according to their parents. You don't see first hand how your daughter behaves at school, and children often don't realise how badly they're behaving. Other people here have explained how having aspergers can make a person more sensitive to jokes or banter that other kids might see as being playful. Maybe your daughter doesn't realise that what her and her friends are doing is hurtful to him?

It's worth pointing out that just because the other children in their class aren't saying that there's bullying going on, doesn't mean there isn't any bullying. At my school we were regularly invited, as a class, to talk about bullying - but until the age of about 14-15, no one but me and the other kid getting picked on would say that there was bullying going on. A lot of popular kids were involved in the bullying, and many of the unpopular ones were scared of being on the receiving end of it themselves.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Put it this way - one of mine was an absolute joy for teachers, always got fantastic school reports about her behaviour, she was even nice to the lad in school with severe emotional difficulties when other people, adults and children were horrible to him.

BUT when she got together with a couple of other kids in senior school, the dynamic changed and, with her friends, she was verbally spiteful to another child. I know this for a fact, because I heard her downstairs on the bus when she didn't realise I was on the top deck, as I had got on a few stops before her school. She was a little shocked to find me coming down the stairs. Had somebody reported her or she had received a dig from the victim, I would probably have thought there was a mistake or a set up, had I not heard her with my own ears.


I'd be surprised, as others who have relatives with Aspergers are, if he is lying. And the 'OH I SWEAR ON MY LIFE' stuff is over dramatic !!!!!!!!. It's something they learn in school and usually means the exact opposite is true. As does 'Oh, we were only joking'.


Teenage girls can be far, far nastier than boys.

I'd be inclined to say that it might be a plan to tell her if there is one more complaint about her, she's going to have to deal with the consequences herself. So she had better make damn sure she doesn't do anything at all that he could interpret as teasing, bullying or being unpleasant.

coolcait

seabreeze wrote: »

I have sat down with her this morning, and she swears on her life that she has done nothing to this child.

I know she is no angel, but bullying is not in her nature she is a very timid child.

Her friends in her peer group are all familiar with each other's humour, and likes and dislikes, as they have been good friends since nursery. They play and take part in activities together with no trouble at all at weekends

Have you asked her to tell you exactly what she and her friends have been saying? How exactly has their 'banter' been worded?

You haven't told us anything at all about that. And the critical point in your story really is 'what did they say?'

I've no doubt that your daughter and her friends get on just fine with each other. But they're clearly not getting on 'just fine' with this boy.

There is nothing in any of your densely worded posts to dispel the idea that your daughter and her friends might have bullied this boy.

There is a lot which suggests, very strongly, that their 'banter' may in fact be 'bullying'.

Knowing exactly what was said is the key point.

(And I agree with the others who have asked this - please use paragraphs and punctuation, so that your posts are easier to follow and understand)

amus

I was going to make a comprehensive reply but it's blatantly obvious from the tone of your posts that there is no way you would even contemplate that it is perhaps your daughter and her friends who are lying rather than the boy.

Welshwoofs

Personally I find it hard to believe that a bunch of young girls would tolerate an 'odd' boy following them around everywhere without saying anything at all to him. I'd imagine the response from many would be along the lines of "Oi Rainman, go away, you're weird" which they probably wouldn't see as a big deal but would be taken far worse by the Asperger's sufferer.

I'd find out exactly what her and her friends say to/about this boy and I think the picture will become a whole lot clearer then.

Ruby_woo

You have been given some really great advice on here. I hope you sort it out x

meritaten

I 've only read first post so forgive me if this has been said before.
My oldest GD is Aspergers and she has difficulty with social relationships (she is nine btw). She often complains others are bullying her when they are not! It took my DD a couple of years to realise this and she actually did before the school did! Her 'perception' of normal patterns of play differs from the norm - if someone doesnt want to play 'her' game - then she takes it very personally. she also wants to 'direct' play and gets upset if others dont do as she wants. although she is a lovely, gentle child, her 'ways' have put other kids off playing with her! and DD and I cannot blame them. She also has the vocabulary and mannerisms of a thirteen year old (thats her psychs words) and other kids just do not 'get her'?

You say that DD and her mates 'banter' a lot? could the child be rightly or wrongly thinking they are making fun of him? Not saying your DD is doing it deliberately, just not realising how another child may construe 'banter'.

I would make an appointment with the head teacher and ask whether they have considered that the child with Aspergers is misconstrueing event at school and that your DD vehemently denies bullying and is very upset at the allegetion. Then ask what further action the school is taking.
I do hope this can be sorted out - I hate bullies with a passion but, I can quite see how your child may have been accused unjustly!

mrs_sparrow

seabreeze wrote: »

I have sat down with her this morning and she swears on her life that she has done nothing to this child i know she is no angel but bullying is not in her nature she is a very timid child but her friends in her peer group are all familiar with each others humour and likes and dislikes as they have been good friends since nursery and play and take part in activities together with no trouble at all at weekends she has also told me this morning they went to quiet part of the yard this week to practice a sketch for the school play together and he followed them again and was sending another child over to see if they were talking about him then he just stands staring at them as I have said they have tried to understand his condition and include him but this child is not coping socially in this group which i believe is down to his aspergers I have told her 3 weeks ago to stay away from him after the incident when he hit her in the face for no reason other than not having his own way in game they were all playing which she assures me she has tried to but as she said if he following them everywhere what are they supposed to do I will be putting my concerns in writing and making an appointment with school to see if they have any ideas how to remedy this situation with a child who is obviously struggling with mainstream schooling socially but as we all remember that is one of the most important parts of comprehensive this when they do a good part of their growing up and i will not have this child making her life a misery with false accusations as by his mothers own admission his condition is getting worse as he gets older so this needs to be addressed and moniterd not pull in every child who looks at him the wrong way thanks for your views

This bit here stood out for me.

My friends daughter was bullied for several years by a group of girls such as this who were 'friends since pre-school, etc....'. They all denied it when set down and asked of course but they made this poor girls life a misery. She always tried to fit in with them and was goaded with their 'jokes' and 'playing'. The school were not interested of course as this girl was so timid and shy.... :cool:

The laughing and joking comment is the one that has me thinking that they actually bullying him - they might not think that this is bullying, but it is and they have to stop.

People with Aspergers do not lie, if they see something happening they will tell it as it is and they will know if there is no fairness in the situation and express this. 10 is still quite young and even my daughter does not understand my sons condition so I would actually not accept that this is the case that she has tried to understand, a child of 10 cannot understand this condition - even we as parents struggle at times - so sorry, I think this is an excuse.

It is hard to accept that our child is a bully - I would be horrified if it was my child but you have to stop this 'joking' they are doing as it probably surmounts to teasing this boy - and not for reasons he will understand either. He has no doubt told his mother what is going on and she knows he is being taunted by the girls. Sorry, but it has to stop and you daughter has to understand that what she sees as 'joking around with her peers' is actually not very nice for the other children around her. My daughter has also, briefly, been at the hands of a group of children such as this, you really do not know how girls like this act, do you? It's time for blinkers off I am afraid. Sorry.

jenhug

I have 2 girls. 11 and 13.

The 13 year old is an Aspie. The 11 year old is Neurotypical, or "normal" to the standard person.

13 year old Aspie finds break times very difficult times. She is unable to eat her food in the canteen for example, due to the sounds and smells she becomes over stimulated and panics, and more often than not will vomit due to the stress of it all.

My 11 year old loves lunchtime and sees it as a great social occasion.

I would be lying if I said my normally lovely 11 year old was still perfectly behaved when she is with her friends. Of course she isn't. She will, amongst other things, be showing off, this could well include putting someone down due to hairstyle, shoes, etc etc. She knows if she did it in front of her family she would be in trouble, but as a group of pre teens it is "just" harmless banter.

My eldest has suffered years of abuse from children that you would see in the street and would think butter wouldn't melt. We have had our house pelted with stuff, by kids who have great parents, but pack mentality takes over.

I am sorry but if your school feels there are reasonable grounds to accuse your daughter and her friend's of bullying, then they quite probably are.

bestpud

I agree their banter could be classed as bullying, especially if they are making up sketches, because the boy may not understand they are only acting. It's also possible they are deliberately using the sketches to insult him and think they can get away with it as it's only 'acting'.

A group of close friends can easily influence others in the class too, especially against a pupil viewed as different.

That said, children with aspergers do misinterpret social situations a lot, so it is foolish to take their word as gospel just because they don't lie easily! If he has misjudged the situation then he won't need to lie in order to get them into trouble!

I also know such children are capable of being nasty themselves and forgetting their part in the situation. My daughter has been on the receiving end of this, to the point she couldn't do a darn thing right, and the mother was constantly telling me dd had done this, that and the next thing.

When I listened to the two of them secretly and observed them more closely, it was clear the child with aspergers was relaying a one -sided version of events and it was actually my daughter who was giving the true version.

The other girl wasn't deliberately lying but rather she was only able to see from her own viewpoint.

Also, she was running off and telling her mum everything my dd did, whereas dd was only telling adults if this girl did more serious stuff, which also skewed the view of us adults.

Long winded but there is two sides to every story and it's not clear what is actually happening here so you are right to look into it further OP.