Falsely accused of bullying in school l

seabreeze_3

Hi all my daughter was pulled out of class yesterday with 3 of her friends yesterday and accused of bullying a boy the problem being this all totally false the child in question suffers from aspergers,and approximately 3weeks ago he hit my daughter in the face and elbowed her friend in the chest leaving a bruise myself and the other parent contacted the school andre was excluded from main stream classes for a week. The mother of this child turned up at the other parents house shouting and balling about how her daughter had been picking on him which is totally untrue as the other children in their peer group have said none of the accusations he is making are true we have told the children to just stay away from him as they do not want anymore trouble which they have tried to do but this child is just following them round everywhere they go at break times and lunch times the next thing the child's parent has written a letter complaining and naming my daughter and a few of her friends as bullying him I have read. Few of the symptoms of aspergers and I believe that all our children are doing are just playing and joking about with each other but this child does not have the social understanding to deal with this and is perceiving it as bullying the conversation the other parent had with the mother by her own admission is his aspergers is getting worse as he's getting older I really want this sorted out as my daughter is beside herself as she was told if there is any more of this they will all be split up I am so annoyed I have thought about going to see his mother this morning but do I just let the school deal with this and accuse my daughter of something she has not done and get labeled as a bully or talk to his mother and try and get some sence I would just like some advise thanks in advance all

littleredhen

I would not talk to the mother I would make an appointment at school and go and see the school and ask them what they are doing - I work in a school and there are always two sides to everything - I would hope that the child concerned is being closely watched but in fairness the staff cannot watch everything they are doing - I also have had to explain a situation to my head teacher where children accuse other children of doing things that are just not true but it takes a lot of patience to get to the truth in such matters. I have experience of children who are disliked by other children because of their behaviour etc - it makes me sad really - I believe as parents we need an understanding of how these types of behaviour can affect our children and what the school is doing to support not only the child with Aspergers but the other children too - they both need support and guidance - not sure if that helps

*max*

Punctuation is your friend (or isn't, in this case).

Sambucus_Nigra

To be honest, not sure putting the other child's name in your post is really necessary.

You need to go see the school, but if someone thinks they are being bullied, seriously think that - then to them that's bullying. So perhaps the other kids should hold back on the banter if he can't cope with it.

Did you report the other kid's actions when he hit your daughter?

*max*

seabreeze wrote: »

Hi all. My daughter was pulled out of class yesterday with 3 of her friends and accused of bullying a boy. The problem being this all totally false.

The child in question suffers from aspergers, and approximately 3 weeks ago, he hit my daughter in the face and elbowed her friend in the chest, leaving a bruise.

Myself and the other parent contacted the school. (child's name) was excluded from main stream classes for a week.

The mother of this child turned up at the other parents house shouting and balling about how her daughter had been picking on him, which is totally untrue as the other children in their peer group have said none of the accusations he is making are true.

We have told the children to just stay away from him as they do not want anymore trouble, which they have tried to do, but this child is just following them round everywhere they go at break times and lunch times.
The next thing, the child's parent has written a letter complaining and naming my daughter and a few of her friends as bullying him.

I have read (a) few of the symptoms of aspergers and I believe that all our children are doing are just playing and joking about with each other, but this child does not have the social understanding to deal with this and is perceiving it as bullying.

The conversation the other parent had with the mother by her own admission is his aspergers is getting worse as he's getting older. I really want this sorted out as my daughter is beside herself as she was told if there is any more of this they will all be split up.

I am so annoyed. I have thought about going to see his mother this morning but do I just let the school deal with this and accuse my daughter of something she has not done, and get labeled as a bully, or talk to his mother and try and get some sence?

I would just like some advise. thanks in advance all

Just added punctuation and paragraphs to facilitate reading.

seabreeze_3

Sorry folks the child's name was not in the post in was meant to be and but my I pad put Andre in as replacement I will be writing to the school and making an appointment as will the other parents the kids have tried to understand his condition and have tried to involve him in their games etc but he just ends up accusing them of all sorts of bullying when all they are doing are having a laugh and a joke around with each other by his mother own admisssion his symptoms are getting worse ie lashing out which I find totally unacceptable and have to question the fact should he be in mainstream schooling as he is only going to get bigger and stronger as goes through comprehensive and the safety of my daughter and the other kids are paramount she had no problems all the way through primary we were always told she is a pleasant well mannered and caring child but the other child had major issues all the way through primary and there was always someone being accused of bullying him I just don't see how one child can throw accusations and the school will not listen to the other kids side of it and the parents the thing that's getting me is her mother knows this is not going to get any better and I will not have my daughter labeled a bully when she's has done nothing wrong

gingin_2

I would arrange a meeting with the teacher, SEN teacher and the head to discuss this, ask them to explain exactly what incidences of bullying they have witnessed. Put your daughter's side across calmly and clearly and have a plan of what you are going to say before you go in.

Do not confront the mother, it's just adding fuel to the fire and will solve nothing.

valk_scot

I would definately not go to see the mother. It will only turn into a slanging match by the sound of it, these things usually do even when you go in with the best of intentions and the other mother doesn't sound as if she's ready for a calm discussion. Nope, I would make an appointment and go in to the school to discuss this. They'll have been watching the situation since it was first flagged up, I would think, and will be able to judge if there's anything out of the ordinary about it.

And yes, it may indeed be that this child is over-reacting to normal playground banter because of their disability. But that's not something they can really help, is it? It may be that your DD and her friendship group will have to try and tone things down far more when interacting with him than they would when speaking amongst themselves. Yes I know that's placing the onus on your DD to modify her behaviour more than you might think reasonable but think on it, if this child had a physical disability would you suggest she try to accomodate that? Children aren't born with a tolerance towards "different", I don't think, it has to be taught.

And though as you say it's very likely she's behaving perfectly normally it is upsetting this boy, it is causing some major problems and if the school decide the best solution all round is to break up the group of girls then that's what they'll do. Not as punishment but because it's the best solution out of some bad options. What else can they do after all? Exclude the boy for a disability that's not his fault? Allow the situation to continue and risk another assault through this boy's frustration?

Which is why I do urge you to get in touch with the school asap, not just to represent your own child's point of view but to also offer to co-operate as much as possible to defuse this situation. I would suggest that the parents of the other girls do likewise. There will be a better way but it will depend entirely on all the parents (including the parents of this boy), all the kids and the school working together with a good will towards an acceptable solution. So don't leave yourself out of this loop, get in there and offer before decisions are made without you.

PS> I do find it difficult to read your posts btw. Capitals, full stops and paragraphs would make it much easier to read and will also serve to make your points more convincing. We all have to stop for breath sometimes when talking, it's the same with writing and reading!

Sambucus_Nigra

seabreeze wrote: »

Sorry folks the child's name was not in the post in was meant to be and but my I pad put Andre in as replacement.

I will be writing to the school and making an appointment as will the other parents.

the kids have tried to understand his condition and have tried to involve him in their games etc but he just ends up accusing them of all sorts of bullying when all they are doing are having a laugh and a joke around with each other.

by his mother own admisssion his symptoms are getting worse ie lashing out which I find totally unacceptable and have to question the fact should he be in mainstream schooling as he is only going to get bigger and stronger as goes through comprehensive and the safety of my daughter and the other kids are paramount.

she had no problems all the way through primary we were always told she is a pleasant well mannered and caring child but the other child had major issues all the way through primary and there was always someone being accused of bullying him.

I just don't see how one child can throw accusations and the school will not listen to the other kids side of it and the parents.

the thing that's getting me is her mother knows this is not going to get any better and I will not have my daughter labeled a bully when she's has done nothing wrong

full stops and breaks added to ease reading.

susancs

As above posters state I would not talk to the child's mother and leave it to the school to deal with, as they will not have a bias.

I would make an appointment to see the Head Teacher as soon as possible to discuss the "bullying". The school should have been monitoring the situation and will have conducted an unbiased investigation.

While I can understand you are upset and defensive over the matter (especially as your daughter has been physically hurt by the child accusing her of bullying) however I would not be defensive in the meeting with the Head. I would instead state that you are concerned that your daughter has been accused of bullying and want to know if there is any truth to the allegation. As you have said it may well be that the child with Aspergers has mis-read the situation or that your daughter and friends have unintentionally made this child feel bullied by their behaviour. As you rightly point out the same behaviour can be perceived differently depending on the relationship between the children involved. A bit of banter between two friends may be seen as fun by two classmates involved, yet make a different child feel bullied and a victim in another situation. You really want to get to the bottom of the issues involved and agree strategies with the school so that your daughter is not physically hurt again by the child or accused of bullying and so that the other child does not feel as if he is being bullied by anything (however unintentional) your daughter has done or is doing.

FBaby

seabreeze wrote: »

the kids have tried to understand his condition and have tried to involve him in their games etc but he just ends up accusing them of all sorts of bullying when all they are doing are having a laugh and a joke around with each other

Sorry but this does sound like teasing, and excessive teasing can become bullying, especially when the teased person is vulnerable.

You seem extremely convinced that your DD is an angel and has done nothing wrong. She might not thing she is doing anything wrong and individually, she might not be bullying, but as a group, they might very well be doing so without realising or meaning to. Teenagers can be cruel in their teasing, making kids suffering from lack of self-esteem feel totally inadequate.

Before going to the school and expressing your dissatisfaction, I would first had a word with your daughter to be completely certain she understand the implication of her 'having a laugh and joking around'.