"Spoiling" new baby arrival

Bitsy_Beans

meritaten wrote: »

Your father has to make an appointment to see his grandchild? This may be how he views it - coming from a generation which probably descended en masse whenever they felt like it!
I have some sympathy for him - I probably would feel offended if I dropped in to see MY son and his new baby and was told off for not making 'arrangements' beforehand! and yes, I would probably have left in a huff! (leaving behind the cards and pressies I had brought).

Congratulations on the new arrival btw! try not to dwell on this and just enjoy the baby!

I don't think it's a question of making an appointment. New babies inevitably bring out a stream of visitors which can be quite draining in the early weeks. When family and friends have had babies I've been mindful to wait for an invite rather than making an assumption that is convenient for me to call. It's not as if the Father hadn't been invited at all he just decided he'd got more important things to do than see his new grandchild.

Fire_Fox

Maybe your father doesn't want special time with his grandson or the first opportunity, those are things you want from someone who isn't really that type of person. Your son is still a small baby doing very little else than pooping crying and sleeping: not everyone likes small children or feels comfortable around them.

POPPYOSCAR

From the limited information we have about your relationship with your father and your past history it would appear that you want him to be something he is not.

He has not lived up to your expectations in the past but as so often happens in situations like this a child lives in hope that things will change.

Have you tried talking to him, explaining how you feel, asking questions etc.?

If not you cannot realistically expect anything to change.

sassyblue

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

I don't think it's a question of making an appointment. New babies inevitably bring out a stream of visitors which can be quite draining in the early weeks. When family and friends have had babies I've been mindful to wait for an invite rather than making an assumption that is convenient for me to call. It's not as if the Father hadn't been invited at all he just decided he'd got more important things to do than see his new grandchild.

Agree with you 100%. Add to that the lack of sleep and the work involved you really aren't yourself in the early weeks.

ALIBOBSY

OP It sounds like you are expecting more from your father than he has ever given, or may ever give to you and your family.

I posted a while back about my mother and the issues I had with her, but in the end I realised 2 things that helped me move on.

1) I am not a child any more and don't have to fall into the parent/child relationship we had, we are both adults and I can (and did) tell her calmly but firmly what I thought of how she had acted. I also said this is how my life is and how I want to live, and you can either be part of our lives or not.

2) I accepted although she has tried to bite her lip and not have a go like she used to, she is who she is and at their age our parents are unlikely to change too much, so I don't expect her too and just let it go. Its stopped annoying and hurting me because I no longer let it. In fact OH and I make a bit of a joke about it and when she occasionally still throws the odd snidey comment in we have a little giggle and a private wink at each other. Almost a gentle humouring kind of thing. I know she does care about me and we still have a relationship, but it 2 adults now and I no longer allow her to effect me.

Your Dad must care on some level or he would probably not turned up at all, but you need to move on from the hurt child you were and accept how he is and have a relationship on that level. Or if you decide you are better off without him at all move on and concentrate on your lovely new family. You be the best Dad you possibly can be to BOTH your children and give them everything you didn't have (emotion wise not money).

Good Luck
Ali x

Any

mrs_sparrow wrote: »

I think we are being unfair on the OP.

He has been rejected by his father all of his life, maybe he needs to know when he is coming to prepare himself for it - unless you have been in that situation it is hard to understand and explain. Not all of my family members would be welcome at the door if they just knocked either.

I guess the OP has been dealt the selfish patronising, insulting and hand all his life and this was just another time of turning up at what might have been an inconvenient time and if they are uncomfortable in his presence then it would have spoiled things with the other people that are there - so they just asked why he had not told them he was coming. I think it fair enough question to ask, personally, as I've got a dad like the OP's I totally get why they asked.

I personally think that the OP saw the baby a chance to get closer to his father and he is feeling rejected and disappointed - again. He is letting his frustrations out on here and having a vent.

None of my friends 'get' the relationship I have with my family as they are all really close to their families. Just that sometimes, other peoples families so not work the same. What the OP can take from this though is how to be a better parent to his own children and make sure they never feel the same way he does.

I have no idea why have you quoted me, because I have certainly not judged the OP so I cannot be unfair on him.
I have asked question why given the history the OP expected his father to fuss over a baby and made a comment that if he sets up his expectations every single time this high he si going to end up dissapointed every time. OP needs to question this need for "approval" or "agreement" or whatever you want to call it. It's probably wrong word to use, but I hope you know what I mean.
Many people rejected in their childhood feel the need to please or gain approval or attention or agreement later on in life, and they are not going to get it. You cannot change people, you can only change your stand in life to those people.

And by the way, I have been in that situation, that is why I know you need to stop expecting people to suddenly change their ways or you will be always dissapointed.

mrs_sparrow

Any re above: Sorry, I think it was because yours was the last I read and it was a general to all - apologies for any offence caused.

claretmatt

Just received an email simply titled "CHANGES" confirming that my father is changing his Will.

Oh the joys of cryptic messages.

mrcow

He's obviously upset. Weird though how some people think that their children actually give a crap about what ever money they are giong to leave behind. Some people are just very small minded. And it shows what they think as important.

You either want to build bridges or you don't.

Personally I'd reply back to the email telling him to leave it all to the dogs home as you value time with him now over than anything else he could ever give you or yor kids. And invite him to see if he'll come over this week to spend some quality time with you all.

Nicki

claretmatt wrote: »

Just received an email simply titled "CHANGES" confirming that my father is changing his Will.

Oh the joys of cryptic messages.

That's not necessarily a sign he is annoyed with you is it? I thought you said your sister had died recently. That coupled with the birth of a new grandchild would trigger a lot of people to revise their will.

Try not to stress, continue to treat him as you would anyway, and enjoy the time with your new arrival. If his email was intended to jerk your chain, refusing to react to it in any way (or even to acknowledge it) is surely the best way to go anyway.