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"Spoiling" new baby arrival

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  • claretmatt wrote: »


    So Sunday at 1pm he turns up unannounced (without a gift or card I should add). OH asked him why he hadn't called before hand

    Shocking!

    You are angry because your own Father turned up at your house UNANNOUCED?

    My word , maybe it is usual for family members to have to arrange to visit in your family but in mine Family members land in "unnanounced" all the time and I wouldnt have it any other way!

    Maybe your Father knows hes not welcome at your house unless its by prior arrangement and maybe thats why you do have him visiting often?

    If I needed to book an appointment to go and visit any member of my Family I know I wouldnt be too happy!

    I think you are being petty if Im honest , you need to relax and enjoy your family whilst you have them!
    The loopy one has gone :j
  • System
    System Posts: 178,331 Community Admin
    10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    My parents would have been deeply offended to have to fit in with a schedule to see their grandchild for the first time.
    He already took it upon himself to tell my aunty when the planned cesarean was, despite me telling him to tell no-one, thus spoiling my chance to tell her. The reason was that she asked what was going on.

    Of course he might have been excited and couldnt keep it in.

    I dont understand why your wife is upset though.
    This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
  • Had I just lost one of my children, I believe that I would NEVER want to hold, see, hear or smell another baby again.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
    colinw wrote: »
    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll :D
  • Any
    Any Posts: 7,959 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    OP - given your last post, seriously, what exactly did you expect then????
    I understand it must be a little dissapointing, but are you seriousy all your life going to think about everything that you do as "what about now, now surely he comes!!"
    If you are, and you seem to be doing, then you are set for dissapointment all your life.
  • well my parent were wonderful grandparents and they would never have turned up unannounced when their d-in -law had not long given birth, so I dont see it as unreasonable at all.
    I would never ever turn up unplanned at my dearest closest friends who have a very new baby without checking out it was ok 1st. I'm quite shocked people think it is ok to turn up and demand to see the baby when ever it suits them, rather than the new parents, but everyone is different and presumeably you know your own families and that is how yours function well.

    Not everyone can cope with people decending on them, especially oin this case where they had set aside special time to be with someone they were very close too.


    OP had clearly had a rough deal with his father who wasn't much of one by the sound of it. I think the only thing OP is 'guilty of' is not massively lowering his expectations. He wasn't interested in you as a kid... not going to happen with the grandkids. And it doesn' sound like they are going to miss out on much TBH. It doesn't sound like his bereavements are the cause of his behaviour as this has been long term. And OP I am sorry for your loss of your sister, lets not forget the OP is suffering here too.

    Hope these early days remain precious OP and congratuations on your new addition.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
  • mrs_sparrow
    mrs_sparrow Posts: 1,917 Forumite
    OP, my own dad and FIL are the same - they are the ones missing out.

    I wonder if this is because you feel he has neglected you in the past and the babies are his chance to put things right and spend more time with YOU.

    Sadly you cannot change how he is, you need to deal with this yourself. Your wife should not be getting upset over it - I guess her hormones are all over the place though so I guess this can be expected.

    If your dad does not want to see your son then it is his loss, he will be the one missing him growing up. I think you need to come to terms with your past and how he has never been there for you, you need to do this otherwise things like the OP will grate on you. If you find it easier, start a new thread. I think we all think that a new baby will be a chance for a new start but in this case it has not happened.

    It took my dad 2 weeks to arrive with a rattle costing £2.49 that he picked up from Sainsburys that morning BTW, you really are not alone in having uncaring parents. However - YOU can change the cycle and be there for your sons. you know how to be a good parent and do everything for your boys that your father did not do for you. In a way he has taught you a valuable life lesson and you will have a better relationship with your children for it.

    This is the way I see it. My dad was a complete selfish waste of space so I gave him his marching orders a few years ago, I told him to stick his £10 argos voucher once a year, where the sun does not shine (OK, it was worded slightly different, LOL). Neither us or the kids miss him in any way and I do not have to spend my days worrying about pleasing someone who clearly did not give a toss.

    Congratuations on your new arrival - and spend your time and energies on the people who DO want to share in your new baby and if he does turn up unannounced, invite him in and say nothing else about it. If you have other family there, I am sure they will understand - he is your dad after all. Please do not waste all of these negatives emotions on him and spoil these early days, it really is his loss - but if you are finding the rejection hard to deal with then you really should go and speak to someone about this to help you move forward. This is not about you but about him. Good luck.
  • mrs_sparrow
    mrs_sparrow Posts: 1,917 Forumite
    Oh and my FIL had a habit of arriving unannounced, I had a 2 and 3 year old at this time and they were welcome to play with their toys whenever they wanted - the comment I got as soon as he walked in the door....... 'very messy in here, isn't it'. I bit my lip....!!!
  • mrs_sparrow
    mrs_sparrow Posts: 1,917 Forumite
    Any wrote: »
    OP - given your last post, seriously, what exactly did you expect then????
    I understand it must be a little dissapointing, but are you seriousy all your life going to think about everything that you do as "what about now, now surely he comes!!"
    If you are, and you seem to be doing, then you are set for dissapointment all your life.

    I think we are being unfair on the OP.

    He has been rejected by his father all of his life, maybe he needs to know when he is coming to prepare himself for it - unless you have been in that situation it is hard to understand and explain. Not all of my family members would be welcome at the door if they just knocked either.

    I guess the OP has been dealt the selfish patronising, insulting and hand all his life and this was just another time of turning up at what might have been an inconvenient time and if they are uncomfortable in his presence then it would have spoiled things with the other people that are there - so they just asked why he had not told them he was coming. I think it fair enough question to ask, personally, as I've got a dad like the OP's I totally get why they asked.

    I personally think that the OP saw the baby a chance to get closer to his father and he is feeling rejected and disappointed - again. He is letting his frustrations out on here and having a vent.

    None of my friends 'get' the relationship I have with my family as they are all really close to their families. Just that sometimes, other peoples families so not work the same. What the OP can take from this though is how to be a better parent to his own children and make sure they never feel the same way he does.
  • meritaten
    meritaten Posts: 24,158 Forumite
    edited 25 October 2012 at 8:36PM
    Your father has to make an appointment to see his grandchild? This may be how he views it - coming from a generation which probably descended en masse whenever they felt like it!
    I have some sympathy for him - I probably would feel offended if I dropped in to see MY son and his new baby and was told off for not making 'arrangements' beforehand! and yes, I would probably have left in a huff! (leaving behind the cards and pressies I had brought).

    Congratulations on the new arrival btw! try not to dwell on this and just enjoy the baby!
  • lostinrates
    lostinrates Posts: 55,283 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    I would not like anybody calling unannounced, baby or no. (including my family) so Op has my sympathies there.

    BUT

    From the other side of the fence, we have recently been made and aunt and uncle again, first baby in dh's side of the family to our generation, so it IS very exciting, but the baby, the parents and the grandparent live on another continent and we have had one hell of a summer and are heading into a not easy winter. For health reasons I cannot make the journey and dh is getting a lot of grief for not going over.

    Tbh, the baby will not remember, we are interested, we do care, but .....we are not the parents. It's far more exciting for them than us (especially as for us we already have the experience of aunt and uncle).

    We have sent gifts and are trying to keep in touch via email because phoning seems inconsiderate when they might be grabbing sleep when ever. I am surprised, frankly, that other members of family (another aunt, a great aunt and cousins) are making a trek over there. For the two week birthday.......it would be, in all honestly, not something I would be that interested in though it would be nice to see them within the first year.
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