"Spoiling" new baby arrival

whitewing

Perhaps your dad isn't seeing the new baby as 'life-affirming'. Perhaps he is scared to get close to them in case he 'loses' them too. Or perhaps he simply doesn't have any left over energy from his grieving to do anything other than tasks he can do with his eyes closed.

Bennifred

claretmatt wrote: »

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With regards to the flesh and blood thing - we've lost lost of family members recently and I know my sisters suicide and his own fathers death hurt him very much

I suspect this may be influencing his reaction. He may feel that it is difficult to be expected to celebrate the birth of someone else's child when he has just lost his own - even that of a grandchild. He may just be numb. Don't be too hard on him. I think he should be welcomed when he does visit, notice given or not.

peachyprice

claretmatt wrote: »

With regards to the flesh and blood thing - we've lost lost of family members recently and I know my sisters suicide and his own fathers death hurt him very much

Well that could explain his attitide, if he doesn't get close to people they can't hurt him.

newbutold

claretmatt wrote: »

I can gladly concede that my post was maybe slightly over reactive. I just used the medium as a way to vent some frustration at a late hour in the day.

Nothing has been spoiled and we are very happy with our lot. If he chooses to have little involvment then that's his choice but I guess I feel that its his ultimate loss.

With regards to the flesh and blood thing - we've lost lost of family members recently and I know my sisters suicide and his own fathers death hurt him very much

Then if you have lost close family members, be glad he just popped in unannounced. I don't understand people that basically want family to make appointments to call round. Then again my family just pop around to see each other unannounced so I guess everyone is used to difference things. Most we get, if anything, is a quick call or text 5 mins before someone arrives! Lol

I know that I'd give anything for my Dad to be able to pop round if he had a spare 10 mins, but unfortunately he is no longer with us.

Amanda65

newbutold wrote: »

Then if you have lost close family members, be glad he just popped in unannounced. I don't understand people that basically want family to make appointments to call round. Then again my family just pop around to see each other unannounced so I guess everyone is used to difference things. Most we get, if anything, is a quick call or text 5 mins before someone arrives! Lol

I know that I'd give anything for my Dad to be able to pop round if he had a spare 10 mins, but unfortunately he is no longer with us.

I agree that this puts a completely different slant on things - to expect your father to be rejoicing about your new baby when he has a lost a daughter in extremely tragic circumstances and his father and is grieving - and by your own admission isn't a very 'hands-on' grandad anyway - is putting way too much expection on him.

I too don't understand why family (and close friends) have to make an appointment to see you. I know it's difficult with a new baby and courtesy says that a quick call or text is preferably but perhaps he assumed it would be OK as he knew your cousin was going to be there anyway so you would be expecting visitors. To then be berated for not making a call in advance when you had a room full of people already was, IMHO, rather childish.

silvercar

He was top of the list to come and visit his new grandson but was "busy" supervising building work on the Saturday we invited him. As it took him days to respond we had already invited a close friend for the Sunday.

So in his eyes, your close friend was a more important visitor than him. No reason why they both could not have visited.

So Sunday at 1pm he turns up unannounced (without a gift or card I should add). OH asked him why he hadn't called before hand as we had visitors (plus we actually wanted him to have special time with his grandson). He says that he "had a bit of spare time" and had told my cousin he was coming and that if it wasn't convenient he would go.

I think it is rude to ask why he hadn't phoned first. He is a close relative, the door should have been opened and him welcomed in. He seemed very polite to say he would go if it wasn't convenient. I would be annoyed if it was me. Now that he appeared and wasn't admitted it is for you to invite him next.

claretmatt

Just to add some context....

It was a surprised question as to why he hadn't called first not him being chastised. He was invited in to see his grandson more than once but chose to pass up the chance and left of his own accord.

Obviously its difficult to portray him on a message board like this.

I've never had the greatest relationship with him. He walked out on my mum when me and my sister were young and contact over the years had been sporadic. When I did see him he just bad mouthed my mum.

I don't feel that he particularly cares about me and I don't recall many words of kindness. After 5 months on holiday his first words to me were how fat I was.

Any achievements academic or personal were always met with comparisons to the children of his partner and much they had achieved. Never a well done or congratulations.

My sister (god rest her soul) had little time for him and threw a chair at her when in the midst of deep depression he told her to cheer up and shake herself.

I appreciate that people are responding purely to what I wrote and I would say the same. Obviously there is more than just him turning up uninvited and it was a late night tired vent that has led to this. I actually wanted him to have the first opportunity to see his grandson.

Thanks for everyone's time to comment though - it has made me see things in a different light. I am sure we will make contact soon and he will come and see us.

Just to add - OH was teary due to emotions and lack of sleep.

We are both apathetic about this and not surprised.

tea_lover

It does sound a little bit like visitors are only welcome if they have a pre-arranged appointment, a card and a gift. Maybe a bit more flexibility would help him to build a relationship with his grandchildren.

As others have said though, it sounds as if you've all had a hell of a time lately. Cut each other some slack and enjoy what you have.

jackieb

I can't understand why you thought it inconvenient for your Dad to visit just because you had visitors already?

Amanda65

claretmatt wrote: »

I've never had the greatest relationship with him. He walked out on my mum when me and my sister were young and contact over the years had been sporadic. When I did see him he just bad mouthed my mum.

I don't feel that he particularly cares about me and I don't recall many words of kindness. After 5 months on holiday his first words to me were how fat I was.

Any achievements academic or personal were always met with comparisons to the children of his partner and much they had achieved. Never a well done or congratulations.

And here, I would respectfully suggest, is the crux of the problem. By not coming to see your son at the first available opportunity, you feel that he has once again rejected you and chosen to not acknowledge something you feel is a major life achievement (and rightly so - all children should be viewed this way by their parents). I am sure that your OH's parents being so great are adding to your feelings of hurt as well.

At the end of the day I think you have to decide if you want a relationship with your father or not. If yes, then to a certain extent you are going to have to accept that he will only ever be the father he is prepared to be and lower your expectations. If you cannot accept this, and from what you have said you would be perfectly entitled not to, then I would let contact slip and concentrate on the family you have and making sure that your sons never, ever feel the same about you. My OH has been the most fantastic Dad, mainly by ensuring her parented in a completely different way to how he was treated by his Mum and Dad.