"Spoiling" new baby arrival

podperson

I'm sorry but I think it's a bit of an over-reaction that he is 'spoiling' the baby's arrival for you. You already have a child that he isn't particularly involved with, but for some reason you seem to have expected him to drop everything and dash round to coo over the new baby? Then when he does show up he gets brought on why he didn't call beforehand, why he didn't speak to you direct, why he didn't do this etc.

Some people aren't particularly 'baby' people - and it sounds like your father is probably one of them. While you no doubt think your new arrival is the most wonderful/exciting/interesting child ever (and quite rightly of course!) then others have their own busy lives. When the kids get a bit older and can interact/do things with him etc then he may become more involved. But expecting him to suddenly drastically change his personality is unrealistic and only setting yourselves up to be disappointed. I appreciate your OH is probably a bit teary/emotional etc at the moment so may be taking things more personally so I think it's more up to you to put this in perspective a bit for both of you.

Amanda65

Another one here who cannot understand why you would expect your father to have changed between baby 1 and baby 2. As a mother I thought (and still do believe ) that I had given birth to the three most amazing human beings on this planet. My OH's mother sadly didn't agree with me and although it hurt I always felt it was her loss.

I think if you stop making suach a melodrama about the whole thing your wife will stop being tearful about the situation. If her parents are great, she may being feeling sad for you (and a bit guilty) that you don't have the same support from your father.

It seems a little like you micromanage all situations - just relax and enjoy your children - it's your dad's loss

LannieDuck

How awful that your partner had a pulled muscle in her back when heavily pregnant. My sympathies to her, it must have been awful. I hope she didn't have braxton-hicks or similar to deal with at the same time

Why is your OH in tears about this when it's your father? Presumably her parents are interested and being involved? Can't she just ignore your Dad and let you sort it out?

I agree that it's totally unreasonable of him to show up without calling (and why on earth did he call your cousin instead of you?), but I think you're letting it get to you too much. Let him know he's very welcome to visit, and ask for a little notice so that you can make sure there aren't loads of other people around, and then the ball's in his court. He's shown he does want to visit, so let him do it in his own time.

POPPYOSCAR

claretmatt wrote: »

Thanks for everyone's input - I guess I hoped that things would be different and that seeing his flesh and blood would mean more to him than plastering. I know now and will let him lead his life how he chooses

I did put spoiled in quotation marks as it hasn't really spoiled anything. Just a turn of phrase.

There is more (as always) to my relationship with my father which if I put down might reaffirm my feelings towards this.

Which might explain the way he is?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

claretmatt wrote: »

Thanks for everyone's input - I guess I hoped that things would be different and that seeing his flesh and blood would mean more to him than plastering. I know now and will let him lead his life how he chooses

I did put spoiled in quotation marks as it hasn't really spoiled anything. Just a turn of phrase.

There is more (as always) to my relationship with my father which if I put down might reaffirm my feelings towards this.

Dude, seriously - babies are a different species in the eyes of a lot of people. Being told the child shares around 25% of their DNA means very little if you still wouldn't have the faintest clue what you were supposed to be doing with him.



The only couple I know that are very into the 'flesh and blood view' are a bloke who grew up in the care system due to behavioural issues his parents couldn't cope with, so formed an idealised notion of what a family should be - and his partner, who, from her nice West London home, fell in love with the image of being an East End Matriarch.

Which eventually resulted in a brood of unwashed children, a battered house and actual harassment, threats, stalking and actual violence if someone vaguely related to them wasn't automatically obsessed with their offspring. Lots of 'IT'S FAAAAAAAAAAAAMLY' being screeched as well.


I am not accusing you of being like them - but - they started off with being angry if somebody didn't perform how they had imagined it at the births of the first couple of kids. This then affected relationships with the wider family and friends, they got more and more tied up in knots over it, this made being around them a less attractive option and by the end of it, pretty much anybody who knew them - including 'flesh and blood' - avoided them and their children like the plague.

So they were left in isolation, rather than having any chance of forming meaningful connections with any grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins or anybody else.



Your babies are no doubt wonderful - congratulations. But don't expect everybody to feel the same way about them as you do. And don't criticise others for not sharing that special little bubble new parents experience. That's for you, your OH and your boys alone.

claretmatt

I can gladly concede that my post was maybe slightly over reactive. I just used the medium as a way to vent some frustration at a late hour in the day.

Nothing has been spoiled and we are very happy with our lot. If he chooses to have little involvment then that's his choice but I guess I feel that its his ultimate loss.

Money_maker

LannieDuck wrote: »

Why is your OH in tears about this when it's your father?

Probably because she's highly emotional at the time, I know I was after giving birth. Plus baby blues etc. It's a roller coaster but things will seem better in a few weeks.

claretmatt

I can gladly concede that my post was maybe slightly over reactive. I just used the medium as a way to vent some frustration at a late hour in the day.

Nothing has been spoiled and we are very happy with our lot. If he chooses to have little involvment then that's his choice but I guess I feel that its his ultimate loss.

With regards to the flesh and blood thing - we've lost lost of family members recently and I know my sisters suicide and his own fathers death hurt him very much

POPPYOSCAR

claretmatt wrote: »

I can gladly concede that my post was maybe slightly over reactive. I just used the medium as a way to vent some frustration at a late hour in the day.

Nothing has been spoiled and we are very happy with our lot. If he chooses to have little involvment then that's his choice but I guess I feel that its his ultimate loss.

Have you ever discussed with him why he does not seem very interested in your family?

sassyblue

OP, you could be describing my FIL. :eek: He's just the same although he doesn't work he still doesn't make the effort to come round - there's no excuses really he's always been a selfish person. He was a selfish father as hubby grew up and a selfish husband.

As Brighton Belle said, lower your expectations of him. Don't EXPECT anything from him and you won't be disappointed.

It hurts but that's how my FIL is and he'll never be changed. It's a shame because he could come for his tea every night if he wanted but he doesn't want to, and he idolises our little boy telling all his friends about him too, but he's just not a 'family' person, he's a loner by choice.

Congrats on your new baby, hope your wife is soon better. x