In-Laws Don't Respect Our OS Beliefs - Help Please

VfM4meplse

OrkneyStar wrote: »

No no no, anyone who wants to gift me a lovely pot of anything homemade, that they have spent their time on, will get much appreciation, even adoration, over something shop bought. A gift does not have to be expensive or huge to say something special .

But it does need to speak in a langauge that is understood. The OP's in-laws clearly do not want a pot of jam, and certainly don't appreciate the effort that has gone into nurturing the fruit and creating a finished product, so why continue to give it?

jackel wrote: »

Hi - Why don't you and DH book a holiday and go away for Christmas ? Don't tell them you're going anywere. That way you avoid the whole situation and you'll probably never see eachother again - Simple ! jacxx

Because it's not frugal?

Going4TheDream

Hmm wrote: »

Hey there fellow OSers and Frugalistas!

So, I hope this doesn't come across as an ungrateful rant, but I really hope that some others who share our ideals may be able to offer some advice on how to tackle this situation. This is going to be a long post because I've been with my DH for 10 years, but I've tried to cut it down as much as possible.

Basically my in-laws are shopaholics! DH and I believe very strongly in frugality and all that goes along with simple living. DH was not always like this, but is now a bigger flag flier for the lifestyle than me :-)

In addition to being shopaholics they are very shallow people and both DH and I have a very strained relationship with them. I am different to them and have taken their son / brother away from the family etc (little do they know that my constant nagging is the only thing keeping DH in contact with them).

I used to love Christmas, but over the last few years I've noticed that I've been very unhappy from around now (when the crazy shopping and showing me all the purchases at every opportunity starts) until after the New Year.

This year I'm feeling particularly anxious about yet another commercial, useless tat-laden Christmas Day sham. You see, I used to love Christmas for the extra time with family and friends, the snow, sledging on sledges made by my Dad, his homemade ginger wine, sharing a meal, making presents and all that stuff that I'm sure you all will understand (that's why I'm posting this here).

My most cherised gift ever was a fairy figureine my sis gave me. She loved it (we grew up frugal and with not much stuff) and knew I did too, so she wrapped it up and it meant so much to me.

I've never been accepted by my in-laws and tried so many times over the years to get to know them and connect with them. Invited them over for meals or on walks or out for a coffee, but the effort was never reciprocated and after 10 years none of them could tell you anything about me - my job, what I like etc.

DH and I stopped making effort when it was clear it would always be this way and now only see them a few times a year, but they are still having a huge impact on me.

Over the last few years we have suggested doing a secret santa, doing something together as a family instead of buying presents etc, but it's met with a "no!" Every year they get us loads of stuff at Christmas (we gently ask them not to, but they don't listen) and before I can even get my jacket off I'm having thing after thing shuvved onto my lap. It's overwhelming, draining, claustrophobic, uncomfortable. It's all stuff that we don't need or want.

We usually make gifts such as jams, chutneys, movie night gift baskets, which they turn their noses up at. So we are polar opposites.

Most of what they give us gets given away. I don't feel bad about this as they choose to ignore our requests and my MIL and SIL have even said that they won't stop buying so much because they enjoy it and we're not taking that away from them. So it's about them. It's selfish and it's not about giving. So much so that they never even remember what they got us or each other. Boxing Day it's time to hit the sales for more stuff they don't need. By that point I am ill!

My question is: how should we handle this? We have thought about making a polite but firm request that they don't get us anything this year, which even if they don't listen to will cause tension.

I would ask them to donate what they would have got us to a charity of their choice, but they hate charity and never give and they hate that we buy and give lots to charity and give them a pot of jam!

The only other option I see is to grin and bear it and just get them another gift set they don't need, which they would prefer and continue to give away what they give us, but I would like to come to a better solution as that feels unauthentic and is making me hate my favourite time of the year.

Do we grin and bear it or make a stand? Any suggestions for dealing with this would be welcome.

If you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this. I've spoken to friends who think I should just accept that's how they are as it would make for an easy life, but they won't accept this is who we are.

My only question would by why go to their house every year if its so bad and upsets you so much

It is not uncommon these days with families living so far apart throughout the country to do alternative years, or to do one set of family one year and the other the next? They will obviously still buy you the presents you dont want and they will still receive the jam that they dont want but at least you wont feel ill by boxing day.

I know that happens in our family

gayleygoo

I'd say just let them get on with it. Some people really get a kick out of spending money and shopping (and probably afterwards, moaning about how much they've spent and the debt they're now in), which I don't understand because money does not equate to happiness in my book. If your IL's consider money and gifts to be something of an ego-booster or "Look how much money we have" kinda thing, then your words won't change their mind. You are frugal because you have thought about it and have come to your own conclusions about how you want to live your life - and thought is the only thing that changes anyone's mind, not just being told something.

I agree that it's not exactly fair of them to buy you things you really don't want or need - it's just clutter then - it would be better all round if they got you at least one thing you'd actually appreiciate (I can never spell that word) but there's no harm in just giving it away or eBaying it after christmas.

Also, maybe avoid them on actual christmas day? If you feel claustrophobic with the whole present thing in their house, then go another day. In previous years my IL's and own parents have gone a bit overboard with the presents, particularly for the children and last year we were so stressed driving to yet another house and trying to cram yet more huge, plastic, noisy toys into our car, then into our house. It also ruined the whole Santa thing - Santa certainly didn't bring as many pressies as the grandparents did! If it happens again this year, then next year we'll be having Christmas in our own house and do the presents with family on a different day, so we can actually enjoy Christmas day.

Obviously I wouldn't advise spending lots of money on your IL's , but if apprieciation of the gift is the goal, then find out if there is anything they would like you to give them, be it bought (at a bargain if you can) or homemade. If they are so shallow that they genuinely aren't grateful for anything that doesn't cost lots of money to buy in a shop, then continue with the pot of jam because you'se will never see eye to eye on the matter. And enjoy your christmas, don't let them stress you out

oldtractor

LameWolf wrote: »

I agree with those who have said just accept the tat and then gift it to the charity shop of your choice, if the in-laws have so much fun buying it.

The problem I have is with the fact that they then turn up their nose at HM jam etc - can you gently point out that you have as much fun creating HM presents as they do going out shopping? It should cut both ways, imho.;)

When Mr LW was out of work for a long period several years ago, and we were truly on our uppers, we stopped doing Yule presents (we celebrate Yule as opposed to Xmas) completely, and we've carefully never re-started it.:o

Wishing you a stress-free time, if possible.:o

Brilliant post

tryingtoruletheworld

Do you actually go to their house on Christmas day? If so, why not stay at home and see them boxing day or something allowing you to have your own style of celebration on the day?

I love making Christmas gifts, but I only make them for people who I think will enjoy them, you have to cater to your market! I don't spend a lot of money on people who don't like home made stuff, I look for offers and shop frugally, but buy something that suits their tastes. I love to receive home made gifts too, but don't know many people who do that kind of thing, but it's still lovely to receive a gift someone has thought about, and it really is the thought that counts.

It sounds like you might have to just try and 'bend' what they do every year, over time things might start to change, especially as the children get older.

Could you put together a big list of books you'd like to read? At least you can read those and pass them onto someone else. What about membership of National Trust/English Heritage/RHS, as then you'd still be supporting an organisation even if you don't visit the places much? You could pick out clothes for the kids they are likely to need over the coming year, maybe ask for a larger size they can grow into, and more useful than toys. Do the kids like crafts? You could ask for craft supplies that you know will get used up, with the bonus you can have fun playing with them too. Food gifts are great, they get used up and save money too.

From your posts you come across as very frugal, but if they really want to buy you gifts it might be worth just going with it and trying to get it to work for you, so they get what they want and you make the best of it.

Fruball

I mean this kindly but I think this is a case of neither of you respecting what the other wants!

Unfortunately I don't have much money but if I did, I would buy my DS a car and insure it for him... Nothing would give me more pleasure... but I can't IF I could, and he turned it down, I think I would be upset...

Let them give you lavish presents and then you can enjoy passing them on to charity shops, knowing that your graciousness of receiving, is helping others.

I can see 4 winners here. The inlaws for being happy to have gifted what they wanted, you for helping a 3rd person and a charity, the 3rd person who bought what they wanted for a fraction of what it would have cost them new, and the charity who benefit financially!

Make it fun for you too by choosing a charity that is particularly close to your heart/a local charity... look for a new deserving cause each year and maybe even try to match gifts to the charity and take them to them directly. Or you could find out what a charity wants/needs and tell the inlaws that you would really like one of "these" for Xmas!!! There are many, many very small charities/worthy causes you could be helping

:j