In-Laws Don't Respect Our OS Beliefs - Help Please

aeb_2

Hmm - I could have written your post, really I could

My in-laws, well MIL never accepted me and I was the reason for all my husbands faults. Anyway, moving on and they died in their mid 80's. SIL wanted the house cleared with a skip before the funeral but OH put his foot down out of respect so she washed her hands of it. We were left to clear the house, the bonus being that there was a fortune to be made on E*ay - all quality stuff.

Every cloud, etc ........

superskintmouse

Oh I do feel for you, it can be so difficult its a hard time of the year. I would try again at requesting something you may use and if it falls on deaf ears just think of it as they are contributing to a charity of your choice, just drop it off the day after christmas. My charity shop writes to me once a year to tell me how they have made from selling my unwanted things. Or you could re sell it on facebook or ebay etc and use the money towards something you need. Most shops will take stuff back after Christmas and give you a credit note. Just say on Christmas Day ooo its beautiful I have been looking for one of these for ages where did you find it!
Good luck and just remember 90 % of the time people dont mean to be malicious they are just stuck in their ways so try and use it to your best advantage.

parkgirl

Sometimes people do things and, because we don't have the same point of view or grew up in a different way or whatever, its hard to understand. I think the thing that they appear to like is the buying and just handing them over. Well, if thats what makes them happy, just go along with it. Take the gift, smile and then regift it or pass it onto charity. Then give them what makes you happy - the jam or the chutney or whatever. Serenity is a great thing - no good trying to change the unchangeable - worry about those things you can change.

gibson123

I think that you are being very judgemental of their lifestyle and decisions and they are being very judgemental about yours. No wonder you don't get on! You say they are very condescending, yet your post is very condescending towards them. Sorry but people in glass houses......

Hmm_2

Runnerbean: I have been questioning whether we are also in the wrong and not accepting who they are. I think though that I can accept that is who they are and it's very differnet to us, but they can't do the same. If they would meet us somewhere in the middle I'd be happy. Just reign it in a bit. I'm also thinking we may give them boots gift sets this year instead of homemade gifts as I know that's what they prefer, but don't want to send the wrong signal. It is deeper than presents and we tried to talk to them as a family about it. SIL and BIL were engaing in a conversation about improving things and starting with a clean sheet but on seeing this MIL shut the whole conversation down and anytime since then that we've suggested everyone get together for a family meal she has said it's not possible as we all work different hours. So we see them individually when we do, which I think allows ppl to stay more in their comfort zones.

Vanoonoo: I think I will keep the presents to redistribute from now on.

Sonastin: I'm totally wantless. I grew up not asking for anything and don't even have anything I want from DH. If I do think of something or see something I will try and mention it to them and see, but I never want anything. I do want chickens and some goats (not gonna happen :-)), but other than that there is nothing. I basically only buy clothes when mine are thread bare etc. I will think.

Hmm_2

gibson123: thanks for your reply. I really don't mean to be condescending of them. I understand differnt strokes etc. and am happy for them to live the way they want to. Afterall, they raised my husband who is a wonderful person and I am thankful to them for that. My issue is that we have been going along with them and compromising our own values in an attempt to get on and forge some sort of bond, but there has been no compromise on their side, which leaves us in an awkward position. If they would meet us half way on just a few things I think it would go a long way in easing the strain.

bluebag

I'm of an age where if I wake up on Christmas day I'm happy.:)
I couldn't give a stuff what anyone buys me.

gibson123

But that's the point isn't it? You want them to to make changes, even if that means only meeting you halfway. They haven't asked you to change but you have done and compromised your own beliefs. But why should any of you change anything. You should just agree to disagree. You have tried and failed, you are both at the extreme ends of the spectrum, you can either meet in the middle which both sides are unhappy about, or just agree that you will never meet when it comes to gift giving, spending and budgeting and agree to differ on that matter. It is not worth family fights and your OH feeling like pig in the middle.

Hmm_2

My OH doesn't feel he is the piggy in the middle. If anything he is driving this as he wants things to change. They are indirectly asking us to change by continuously ignoring our request to not receive lots of presents etc. We ask nicely and are told we're silly / that's a nonsense / they don't care what we think it's what they do and that's that etc. The reason that change such as compromise to meet in the middle has to happen is because it's not working for either party the way it is. also, thre are no family fights. We've never had a fight with them.

nickyhutch

Be the bigger person. Take what they give graciously then pass it on to charity shops a charity that passes gifts on to those who need them.