In-Laws Don't Respect Our OS Beliefs - Help Please

Hmm_2

Hey there fellow OSers and Frugalistas!

So, I hope this doesn't come across as an ungrateful rant, but I really hope that some others who share our ideals may be able to offer some advice on how to tackle this situation. This is going to be a long post because I've been with my DH for 10 years, but I've tried to cut it down as much as possible.

Basically my in-laws are shopaholics! DH and I believe very strongly in frugality and all that goes along with simple living. DH was not always like this, but is now a bigger flag flier for the lifestyle than me :-)

In addition to being shopaholics they are very shallow people and both DH and I have a very strained relationship with them. I am different to them and have taken their son / brother away from the family etc (little do they know that my constant nagging is the only thing keeping DH in contact with them).

I used to love Christmas, but over the last few years I've noticed that I've been very unhappy from around now (when the crazy shopping and showing me all the purchases at every opportunity starts) until after the New Year.

This year I'm feeling particularly anxious about yet another commercial, useless tat-laden Christmas Day sham. You see, I used to love Christmas for the extra time with family and friends, the snow, sledging on sledges made by my Dad, his homemade ginger wine, sharing a meal, making presents and all that stuff that I'm sure you all will understand (that's why I'm posting this here).

My most cherised gift ever was a fairy figureine my sis gave me. She loved it (we grew up frugal and with not much stuff) and knew I did too, so she wrapped it up and it meant so much to me.

I've never been accepted by my in-laws and tried so many times over the years to get to know them and connect with them. Invited them over for meals or on walks or out for a coffee, but the effort was never reciprocated and after 10 years none of them could tell you anything about me - my job, what I like etc.

DH and I stopped making effort when it was clear it would always be this way and now only see them a few times a year, but they are still having a huge impact on me.

Over the last few years we have suggested doing a secret santa, doing something together as a family instead of buying presents etc, but it's met with a "no!" Every year they get us loads of stuff at Christmas (we gently ask them not to, but they don't listen) and before I can even get my jacket off I'm having thing after thing shuvved onto my lap. It's overwhelming, draining, claustrophobic, uncomfortable. It's all stuff that we don't need or want.

We usually make gifts such as jams, chutneys, movie night gift baskets, which they turn their noses up at. So we are polar opposites.

Most of what they give us gets given away. I don't feel bad about this as they choose to ignore our requests and my MIL and SIL have even said that they won't stop buying so much because they enjoy it and we're not taking that away from them. So it's about them. It's selfish and it's not about giving. So much so that they never even remember what they got us or each other. Boxing Day it's time to hit the sales for more stuff they don't need. By that point I am ill!

My question is: how should we handle this? We have thought about making a polite but firm request that they don't get us anything this year, which even if they don't listen to will cause tension.

I would ask them to donate what they would have got us to a charity of their choice, but they hate charity and never give and they hate that we buy and give lots to charity and give them a pot of jam!

The only other option I see is to grin and bear it and just get them another gift set they don't need, which they would prefer and continue to give away what they give us, but I would like to come to a better solution as that feels unauthentic and is making me hate my favourite time of the year.

Do we grin and bear it or make a stand? Any suggestions for dealing with this would be welcome.

If you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this. I've spoken to friends who think I should just accept that's how they are as it would make for an easy life, but they won't accept this is who we are.

craigywv

i would just say that you really dont want anything at all or maybe a hamper of stuff you would actually use like a food hamper, if they dis agree just let them get on with it and donate whatever they give you to charity.

kittycat204

I think the solution is to do what what makes you more comfortable. You have a few options. Tell them outright you don't want presents. Carry on as you are, both of which I think would be difficult for you. Can you not just bend the truth. Short on money, grown up, blah blah and don't think it's appropriate to buy presents any more. I have to say I am happier bending the truth and "blaming" somebody else. Who is fully aware of what is going on. Eg. you had to lend money to an (imaginary) friend/family memeber so you are skint. Then next year loudly saying how much easier you found christmas not shopping for people. Or try and get a limit set on price, say £10-£15, each person could then ask for a themed present. Eg, smellys, kitchen item, garden item.

I really think you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Good luck with it, I am sure somebody else will have better suggestions.

sonastin

I would suggest that you accept it - from an objective perspective, anything else could be argued as you ruining their christmas. Take the high ground (and turn their argument back at them) - if they are buying you these gifts because they want to, your gift to them is to let them give and accept graciously. Then, don't give the gifts away, store them for 12months. Next year, give them back. That way you don't need to waste any money and they get the type of gift that they think is a "proper" gift. If you are right in that they can't remember from year to year what you were given then they might not even realise what you are doing.

Alternatively (somewhat more malicious) is to leave the presents behind on christmas day After all, its the giving that is important to them, not whether you actually appreciate the extra clutter. Go through the charade of unwrapping them and then leave them in a neat pile with the waste wrapping paper. That might get the message to them that their gifts aren't appreciated, although that is perhaps mean if they are genuinely meant and just really don't "get it".

Hmm_2

Thanks for replying craigywv and kittycat204. We suggested a fixed amount per person last year and basically got laughed at. They also said that would mean they would rubbish presents.

Bending the truth: I'm not agianst this in some form, but don't want to say we have no money. Our lifestyle choices have seen them repeatedly condescend us and they often insist that they understand we have no money and that it's ok. This annoys us as money is not an issue for us (we don't spend much, so don't need much) but they use it to explain why we are the way we are.

Hmm_2

sonastin wrote: »

I would suggest that you accept it - from an objective perspective, anything else could be argued as you ruining their christmas. Take the high ground (and turn their argument back at them) - if they are buying you these gifts because they want to, your gift to them is to let them give and accept graciously. Then, don't give the gifts away, store them for 12months. Next year, give them back. That way you don't need to waste any money and they get the type of gift that they think is a "proper" gift. If you are right in that they can't remember from year to year what you were given then they might not even realise what you are doing.

Alternatively (somewhat more malicious) is to leave the presents behind on christmas day After all, its the giving that is important to them, not whether you actually appreciate the extra clutter. Go through the charade of unwrapping them and then leave them in a neat pile with the waste wrapping paper. That might get the message to them that their gifts aren't appreciated, although that is perhaps mean if they are genuinely meant and just really don't "get it".

This is a good way to try and look at it. Maybe I need to work on my grace here and let go of my feeling that they are not giving because they want to give to us in love, but they actually couldn't care less about us and it's all selfish on their part.

Lotus-eater

I would live with it, they buy it for you, so it's no skin off your nose really.
My family are the same btw I use these event now to get what we need, so if they want to buy us expensive presents, they can get us something useful.

What do you need? We always need something, a grain mill, a rotovator, a water filter, a spade, a book on sustainable living, jars?

Hmm_2

I like this idea Lotus-eater. We did ask for a piece of equipment (or vouchers toward the cost of the equipment) for DH's work one year and were told no as it was no fun to buy something like that. Maybe if I could think of a more fun thing to buy that we need we could give it another shot.

runnerbean17

They won't accept you for the way you are ... but are you accepting them for the way they are? We are all different, I have friends who I consider to be frivolous with money but it's their money and their choice. They on the other hand would probably call me tight.
I'm sure this goes way deeper than money and presents and that is what really needs to be talked about ...

vanoonoo

give them back what they gave you the previous year. or turn up with no presents just lots of labels and relabel everything you get given and redistribute amongst the other guests - sisters present to mil, dads present to bil etc.

I am very very lucky that my husbands siblings have all agreed to the no presents pact for christmas so it really saves us a lot of money not buying for all of them - I am working on some of the other family members too but its not easy (mainly because my husband feels obliged to continue giving). that said we have mainly been very lucky with what we have been given over the years and our relatives are not too OTT with their spends thankfully.

sonastin

Hmm wrote: »

I like this idea Lotus-eater. We did ask for a piece of equipment (or vouchers toward the cost of the equipment) for DH's work one year and were told no as it was no fun to buy something like that. Maybe if I could think of a more fun thing to buy that we need we could give it another shot.

Maybe you don't ask for something you *need*. Is there something frivolous that you would consider a decadent treat that is wasteful but you'd really enjoy? My mum always refers to the best presents as being "things you want but would never consider buying for yourself". Perhaps meet them halfway by letting them treat you to a guilty-pleasure - the non-OS treat that you just can't justify buying because its such a waste.

I totally know where you are coming from because my OH's family are totally self-absorbed and selfish. I've never met his brother and sister because they stopped talking before I met him and his mother is always on thin ice of never hearing from him again. I used to think family was important until I met him - at some point you have to make the decision that keeping the relationship is more hurtful than not staying in touch.... but if you can make a small change in your responses and acceptance of them that makes things better all round, then the family relationship will improve all round. If you can put yourself in their shoes, you get a better perspective on what you need to say to get them to understand your point.