In-Laws Don't Respect Our OS Beliefs - Help Please

floss2

Why do you torment yourself trying to understand them, when you seem to have the measure of them pretty well already?

If I were in your shoes I would spend all year compiling a list of frivolous wishes, and pass it over to them. My list would include things like a Kitchen Aid, a wood burner, new tools for my allotment, a new garden table, a radio for my shed etc. Maybe you & your OH could do so.ething like that if you really can't bear what they do buy you?

annie123

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I would live with it, they buy it for you, so it's no skin off your nose really.
My family are the same btw I use these event now to get what we need, so if they want to buy us expensive presents, they can get us something useful.

What do you need? We always need something, a grain mill, a rotovator, a water filter, a spade, a book on sustainable living, jars?

I agree

Hmm wrote: »

I like this idea Lotus-eater. We did ask for a piece of equipment (or vouchers toward the cost of the equipment) for DH's work one year and were told no as it was no fun to buy something like that. Maybe if I could think of a more fun thing to buy that we need we could give it another shot.

Ask for a panasonic bread maker, will sell well after xmas on ebay and give the proceeds to a charity of your choice.

lobbyludd

honestly? - let it go.....

you make things for them that I am sure I would love, but they don't: so your gift giving is about your values, not theirs. Just as their gift giving is about their values. So perhaps more in common with each other than you think ;-p

As the gifts aren't the focus of the celebrations for you please don't let the type or amount of presents they give you ruin the festive season or the family relationship: however fragile it is.

Differences in outlook make life richer, revel in that. and it doesn't matter if they don't think much of your chosen lifestyle: you are the one who is living your life, just as they are the ones living theirs.

[Deleted User]

I have agreed with friends that at our ages there is very little that we need or want so we have all decided to buy a 'token present' and set an amout of under a fiver for it.This helps out the ones who like my DDs in-laws are struggling a bit with bills. DD found me a lovely pair of slippers for her ma-in-law at the outlet centre in Ashford M&S's at £2.50 reduced, because she only takes a size 3 and has tiny feet,this with a nice packet of chocolate biscuit makes an acceptable precent for less than a fiver.I'm afraid you will never change some people who seem to think that the cost of something is more important that the meaning behind it.I usually work out in advance roughly how much I will spend and try to buy something that will suit the person.I bought someone a Mushroom kit last year who is a gardener,it cost about £7.00 and she was thrilled as she managed to get a huge crop of mushrooms from it.I think of the person and then try to fit the gift around either their hobbies or interests.I have a very good friend who is extremely 'comfortable' and I buy for her something unique if I can that she wouldn't think ogf getting .last year I got her a day at a studio doing some watercolour painting.This year I have had a door stop made for her in the shape of a victorian dressed frog (she likes frogs )A craft lady I know made it especially for me so its not something she could buy in the shops.These in-laws of your you will never change ,sadly only hard times will change them Don't worry if you think your efforts seem to be unappreciated I'm sure they would be shocked rigid if you suddenly went out and splashed the cash on something very expensive If it makes them feel better to flash the cash then just say thank you for the present and accept that they have thier ideas and you have yours I really wouldn't worry too much about it life is far too short to get stressed.I have 'rich' friends and I have poorer ones but to me no matter how much is in their pockets, its how much is in their hearts that matter, and a friend is the most precious thing you can have rich or poor

Hmm_2

Thanks for your opinions and insight everyone. I think I'll try to ride along with it and I have decided to get them something they would enjoy.

You objective input has really helped. :-)

vanoonoo

floss2 wrote: »

My list would include things like a Kitchen Aid

yeah yeah yeah! I want one toooooooooooo!

donny-gal

You have to accept the fact you will not change them, maybe you only want clothes when they are threadbare, but if you ask them for something to replace what is starting to wear out, you can then put your money to hens and goats. I would also get them a Boots gift set, I would not waste my hard work on a HM gift they do not want, appreciate, or will use. DG

Rainy-Days

You are in a no win situation. It does not matter that you tell them "we don't need anything" they have a consumerism bubble and are unlikely to listen to you any time soon.

Have you ever thought, sat back, watched and observed if they are actually really happy? I mean REALLY happy? More stuff, more of everything spend, spend, spend is actually a hand fist attempt at filling a void of emptiness. What it is they are searching for I have no idea because I don;t know them. Generally though there is something 'lurking at the back of it all'.

What you are saying to us - but it has not been picked up on - is that they have all this stuff and some of it may cost such allot of money but they have no real value of it. They know the price of everything, but the value of nothing! They buy, get bored and go out and buy more stuff to get the thrill again but lose interest just as fast; it's one big viscious circle.

It is not something that you will be able to discuss with them either "hey lets sit down and talk about your demons", because it isn't going to happen. Whatever it is they are struggling with, it is not your problem; although I do accept that it touches you with these presents. Whatever you say and whatever you do it will make little movement on their emotional richter scale - I know that is not what you want to read, but that is sadly the truth. It is how you live around it.

If you don't "nag" your husband to keep in contact with them, you are the wicked witch in their eyes, whether you deserve the title or otherwise. For what it's worth, I would give up giving him a nudge about it and leave him to his own decisions on the matter. It would be worth asking some questions of your DH and finding out about what is at the driving root of all this spending. Is it simply boredom or is there something else?

As for those presents = if they are valueable flog them on ebay anything else churches locally are always on the lookout for bits and bobs for their raffles to give away and add to church funds. It is a nice way of giving back. Turning something tainted for a positive force for good

valk_scot

I would just accept with grace tbh. Part of the Christmas thing is the giving, by which I don't necessarily mean material things. People often give gifts to give others pleasure but there's also the reciprocal thing, it gives the giftee pleasure to give the gift and see the other person's pleasure in it. In a way you're being pretty mean not to accept with this grace tbh, it's one of the first things your mum will have taught you about Christmas and birthday presents after all, to smile and say thank you. Goodness knows everyone gets some real horrors now and again!

As to the rest it's their lifestyle, you've got yours. You're both grown ups, it's not for you to try to make them conform to your ideals in any way, it's just not on tbh. Rant away here if you like but you trying to make them conform to your standards is as bad as the opposite, surely? And while you may think your way of life is morally superior to their's you may find that they've got virtues that you don't, they might be more generous with time and money to charities for example, or they may simply be more generous natured? Because, tbh, you're not coming over as a person with a generous nature at all, in certain crucial respects. Buy them a gift set if that gives them pleasure, it won't cost that more than ingredients for nice jam and biscuits anyway. And when you get a gift set or whatever back well, soap is soap and you can use bubble bath to clean the floor or wash woolies after all.

alec_eiffel

valk_scot wrote: »

I would just accept with grace tbh. Part of the Christmas thing is the giving, by which I don't necessarily mean material things. People often give gifts to give others pleasure but there's also the reciprocal thing, it gives the giftee pleasure to give the gift and see the other person's pleasure in it. In a way you're being pretty mean not to accept with this grace tbh, it's one of the first things your mum will have taught you about Christmas and birthday presents after all, to smile and say thank you. Goodness knows everyone gets some real horrors now and again!

As to the rest it's their lifestyle, you've got yours. You're both grown ups, it's not for you to try to make them conform to your ideals in any way, it's just not on tbh. Rant away here if you like but you trying to make them conform to your standards is as bad as the opposite, surely? And while you may think your way of life is morally superior to their's you may find that they've got virtues that you don't, they might be more generous with time and money to charities for example, or they may simply be more generous natured? Because, tbh, you're not coming over as a person with a generous nature at all, in certain crucial respects. Buy them a gift set if that gives them pleasure, it won't cost that more than ingredients for nice jam and biscuits anyway. And when you get a gift set or whatever back well, soap is soap and you can use bubble bath to clean the floor or wash woolies after all.

This.

I have never been a fan of Christmas and it was always ok as it was kind of a running joke with my family so we ended up enjoying ourselves. DH's family love it, they wouldn't accept that I'm "not that kind of person" and would continue to buy gifts when I said I didn't want any and all that stuff. It just made me miserable, so I stopped. I just go with it, we believe different things but me drinking the poison and waiting for them to feel ill wasn't helping anyone. So now they do what they want, I embrace the bits I like and it's fine.

No-one is going to change and feeling bitter is a waste of time, just press the easy button then get on with the aspects of life you find enjoyable.