In-Laws Don't Respect Our OS Beliefs - Help Please

Rainy-Days

Hmm wrote: »

I've never been accepted by my in-laws and tried so many times over the years to get to know them and connect with them. Invited them over for meals or on walks or out for a coffee, but the effort was never reciprocated and after 10 years none of them could tell you anything about me - my job, what I like etc.

Over the last few years we have suggested doing a secret santa, doing something together as a family instead of buying presents etc, but it's met with a "no!" Every year they get us loads of stuff at Christmas (we gently ask them not to, but they don't listen) and before I can even get my jacket off I'm having thing after thing shuvved onto my lap. It's overwhelming, draining, claustrophobic, uncomfortable. It's all stuff that we don't need or want.

We usually make gifts such as jams, chutneys, movie night gift baskets, which they turn their noses up at. So we are polar opposites.

I would ask them to donate what they would have got us to a charity of their choice, but they hate charity and never give and they hate that we buy and give lots to charity and give them a pot of jam!

Val, I am not being harsh here with you at all, but she said that they don't do charity. She has tried to integrate and invited them for meals etc, none of which went down very well. I accept that we are all different and react in different ways to situations, but clearly reading between the lines here there is an undercurrent between the inlaws and this lass that is being stuanched by thrusting presents into her hands. It is almost as if they are trying to cover their dislike of her, by buying presents rather than actually get to know the girl and accept her.

I would not never normally disagree with you, because I think you have some excellent advice, but on this I am not so sure. Christmas is all about giving, but you can give in so many different ways and aspects - even just giving up your time to spend a few hours with someone can mean more than a present ever could.

This is an acceptance issue. The fact that she does not conform to their ways, and yes, in turn she refuses to indulge their behaviour, so maybe this is about meeting a half mark and trying to find some medium ground. However, she is unlikely to find that halfway point, if at all, if they refuse to meet her there. It does sound that she has tried, but this is beyond a Christmas present issue and how many gifts can I land in your lap.

This is a personality issue - whether that is a clash of ones or whatever. The presents are masking something much deeper and are simply a sticking plaster on a rather large wound!

VfM4meplse

Although I agree with your sentiments about not wasting money on gifts that won't be appreciated OP, I think a pot of jam for Christmas is very mean. Better to give nothing IMO.

If your going to give, give something that is consumable, demonstrates some effort and is above all generous. After all, you can't take your hard earned pennies with you when you go (any more than your OH's family will be able to take their tat). Life's for living, so don't forget to enjoy it occasionally too.

[Deleted User]

Well I would find a pot of jam, especially if it was home made a wonderful gift, but then I think anything that someone has gone to the trouble of making for me , is great.At my age there are few things that I either want or need, but a pot of jam would suit me down to the ground .

My DD is off to New York this Friday for a weeks break with her OH and she always brings me back a pot of Grape Jelly as I just love it on toast or scones,(not easy to buy in the UK ,not where I live anyway) and she knows it means so much to me that she remembers what I like, no point in bringing me home designer stuff nice as it is, it would sit in the back of my wardrobe, but I am looking forward to my grape jelly which only costs a couple of dollars but it makes me very happy am I a sad old bint or what ???

thriftyniftyme

Well, you may or not find this useful, and I hope I don't offend you with the way I phrase things, but here goes:

1) You will never change anyone who doesn't want to be changed. Simple as that. Your in-laws seem pretty happy with who they are right now. So don't even try. If you want them to accept you for who you are, try accepting them for who they are! You accuse them of being shallow and frivolous; they may very well see themselves as being generous and fun. If they were the ones writing the post about you would they say you were careful with money and keener on symbolic gifts than material ones? Or would they say you were tight and worthy and no fun? If you try and see their motivations for acting the way they do, and see yourself the way they might well see you, you might start to understand them a little better. Then you might make it easier for them to understand you. That's not meant to be a criticism, but you are so different you probably seem a little alien to one another at the moment!

2) There is a far bigger issue at stake that you are not discussing; an elephant in the room. That's why you have to nag OH to stay in touch. (And do you secretly think yourself a bit of a martyr for doing so?) If things really are that bad why nag him to? He is an adult who can make his own decisions and live by their consequences. So if he doesn't get round to calling his family, one of two things will happen, either the relationship will find its own natural footing, possibly with a slightly more distant relationship or less contact, or he will lose touch with them (in which case the relationship was not important enough for either side to bother to maintain). For me 'because they're family' is the worst possible reason for doing something - because it implies that it is for no other reason - not love or liking or even mutual respect - only because you feel obliged.

3) You obviously do have a bit of a problem with his family. If you read back through your post you obviously consider yourself superior to them. Are you sure that a little bit of this hasn't seeped into your dealings with them? Again, not meant to be a criticism - it's human nature. But I certainly wouldn't make any effort with someone who made it clear they were better than me?! And your phrasing of 'taking him away from them' struck me as odd - it sounded very territorial! If he has indeed 'left' them (and I mean that emotional distance, rather than physically left the house) it was surely through his own changes and beliefs?

Sorry if I seem blunt, I really don't mean to, but I have been in a similar situation and with the benefit of distance and hindsight, the problem wasn't entirely 'with them'. Maybe I am wrong about this but if you consider the problem honestly you may find a way through. The long and short of it is, you either have to work very hard to understand one another and accept one another (and its two ways, but that doesn't mean it isn't one-way traffic to begin with), or you have to cut your losses. But you already know that don't you? Have you perhaps posted here hoping someone will tell you to stop bothering with them and therefore 'give you permission' to do it?

Hmm_2

All our gifts that we give are homemade and it's not just one pot of jam we make lots of things to give. We're also not tight with our money, but choose to give it to useful causes rather than spend it on something that will still be unopened and unused 12 months down the line due to having so much other stuff.

One thing I'm picking up on with the responses is that I want to change them and force them to conform to my ideals, but this really isn't the case. Most of my friends are not frugal and I respect these differences. I never preach to people about how they should live and enjoy spending time with a diverse group of people.

I am happy to let in-laws live the way they want, but just want them to stop pressing that onto us so much. I'm hearing that we should just accept it, which is us compromising, but if I ask them to compromise by respecting our wishes then I'm being judgemental and causing trouble.

They can live how they want, but we should be able to do the same.

Hmm_2

Hi thriftyniftyme,

Thanks for your post.

As I say, I don't want tto change them, I just want them to respect our lifestyle choice.

I don't think I'm a maryr at all, but I do 'nag' my DH to stay in touch with them beacuase I do think that family is important - it certainly is to me. I don't wnt him to regret not having a relationship with them further down the line, but we do often sit down and talk about this.

I don't consider myself superior to them at all. The point of the post was not to ask for suggestions about how to convert them to my way of thinking and living, but how to get them to respect our wishes about this one issue.

The phrasing of 'taking him away from them' was used because that is what I have been told I've done. They were very different toward me until DH and I moved in together (he had been living at home).

I'm not saying that all the tension in our realtionship with them is down to them. We have discussed many times the things that we maybe didn't handle well or shoul have done differently.

alec_eiffel

And you can live how you want. No-one is suggesting you let them have their way and you have to compromise. It sounds like you don't have much contact with them so just give them whatever gift you're happy with giving, say thanks for whatever they give you and forget about it. It's nothing to do with compromise it's to do with accepting that just because you're related it doesn't mean you have to get on. So don't make this small thing into a huge thing that overshadows the festive period and just get on with how you want to do things. Maybe they don't like or respect you, so what? If you don't want to be around them or respect their standpoint why worry about it anyway?

Nicki

The options are:

1. You both compromise. So they will give you frugal gifts, but in return you have to start giving them expensive shop bought gifts and completely stop giving them homemade gifts which they neither need nor want.

2. You capitulate. So you accept the shop bought gifts with good grace, and continue to give them your home made stuff.

3. They capitualate. So they give you home made or cheap stuff and accept your home made stuff in return.

I can't see any other options, and as you can't force them to capitulate, which of options 1 or 2 do you prefer? If you would genuinely prefer 1, then put that to them, but somehow I doubt that is the case, and what you actually want is 3

Mojisola

Hmm wrote: »

The point of the post was not to ask for suggestions about how to convert them to my way of thinking and living, but how to get them to respect our wishes about this one issue.

Neither side is respecting the wishes of the other - they're continuing to give you gifts that they enjoy buying rather than what you want and you continue to give them your choice of gifts rather than the things they would like.

Just call it even.

There are plenty of ways to do good with the gifts they choose for you so just thank them nicely and then pass the presents on to a charity or someone else who would enjoy them.

Oh, and stop having quite so much contact with them. Your OH is adult enough to decide for himself how much contact he has with his family. He must feel very uncomfortable sometimes - you're pushing him to keep contact and then getting upset/angry/feeling disrespected about the way they behave.

jackel

Hi - Why don't you and DH book a holiday and go away for Christmas ? Don't tell them you're going anywere. That way you avoid the whole situation and you'll probably never see eachother again - Simple ! jacxx