In-Laws Don't Respect Our OS Beliefs - Help Please

p00

Just tell them you won't be buying gifts this year and if they decide to just accept them gratefully. Does it matter if they spend?
I would normally buy something for my grown up children whether they bought or not but this year we have all agreed that we will only buy children - I will still find it difficult not to buy a token gift for them all though simply because i like giving.
Agree your OH is an adult and can make his own mind up without you telling him what to do.
xxp00

Mistral001

Present buying is all about buying things that the other person will want or like and not what you necessarily like or want. Both sides seems to have ignored this when buying gifts.

The OP can decide to change or not. Making the first move is always difficult.

LameWolf

I agree with those who have said just accept the tat and then gift it to the charity shop of your choice, if the in-laws have so much fun buying it.

The problem I have is with the fact that they then turn up their nose at HM jam etc - can you gently point out that you have as much fun creating HM presents as they do going out shopping? It should cut both ways, imho.;)

When Mr LW was out of work for a long period several years ago, and we were truly on our uppers, we stopped doing Yule presents (we celebrate Yule as opposed to Xmas) completely, and we've carefully never re-started it.:o

Wishing you a stress-free time, if possible.:o

alyssajones37

Not sure if this will help, but I'm someone on the other side of the fence.

Christmas and birthdays are the only time of the year my family really treat ourselves: throughout the rest of the year, we beat my OH family hands down on frugality but their christmas' are far simpler than ours.

This year, knowing finances would be tight, I started my shopping really early, buying lots of little things to make up themed hampers for everyone (little bits of 'tat' and a couple of bigger more suitable gifts)- only for them to state two months ago "lets not do pressies this christmas".

I completely understand why, MIL receives chocolate every year because people don't know what to buy her (and she's on a diet) and the rest of his family have a really really tight budget.

They are travelling down to visit us paying for their own hotels, petrol and other associated costs, and I have a lovely stack of gifts brought specifically for his family, and I hate the idea of sharing them randomly out between my gift giving friends. So I spoke to my OH and we agreed that "just because they aren't doing presents doesn't mean we can't". I just hope they are upset on the day, because it's not our intention to cause embarrassment when physical gifts are only handed one way.

From our point of view, they've given us the greatest gift already, their time.

Kanichen

Have to say, I can see this from your In-Laws side - they enjoy buying gifts that they think you'll appreciate. I suspect they percieve your 'frugalness' as being short of cash so they enjoy buying you the little luxuries that they themselves would appreciate and think that in turn your would appreciate. Ok, in this case its not the case as you don't appreciate them, but you can't really fault their motivation.

A few years ago I remember my DH and I buying presents for his Brother and SIL. We thought long and hard on what to buy - we got them each something individually that we thought they'd appreciate (can't remember what we bought his brother but SIL got a selection of her favourite bath stuff) and then between them we bought them a Wii game as we knew that enjoyed the games they had. All in all, an expensive collection of gifts.

From them we got a toy helicopter for DH (gifts like that really annoy me - what a complete waste of money - played with for a few hours then abandoned), a notebook for me (still sat on the bookshelf, unused) and a few jars of plum Jam that they had made. It smacked off running around Xmas eve grabbing the first things that came to hand. The jam was made to be given as gifts, everyone got some, but they didn't think check to see if either of us actually liked plum jam! Neither of us do. Now you can't tell me those were considerate well thought out gifts.

Its not about the money, but we had put thought in to what we bought them and they quite obviously hadn't. The handmade gifts you give your In Laws, are they things they actually LIKE? Do they eat Jam or Chutney? Perhaps you are as guilty as giving whats convenient as they are?

Out,_Vile_Jelly

The thing about Christmas is that every family has "their" way of doing it. These rituals and routines are quite hard to break. I'm in my 30s and my mum still makes me a stocking with smellies, a satsuma and a pound coin in the toe. Obviously I don't NEED a quid, but it's part of our own particular Christmas tradition.

If you are a guest in someone else's home, you are IMO subject to THEIR Christmas routine. That means dinner and present opening at their time, and gravy and roast spuds done their way. If they enjoy showering you with tat, smile, say thank you, and offload it onto your local charity shop when you get home. Some people enjoy crafting and baking, some people's idea of present-giving is to buy a box set of smellies in the 3 for 2 Boots aisle. Some people cannot physically countenance NOT buying someone a gift, or giving a cheap or home-made one (perhaps they had very hard childhoods when presents were scarce or non-existence, and they now enjoy being extravagant). If you've raised this with the in-laws and they don't want to do Christmas your way, then you're just going to have to make their way work for you.

If you genuinely can't think of any items that would be useful in the home (surely you can live a frugal lifestyle but still appreciate practical gifts for the kitchen or garden?), then ask for something that's easily saleable on eBay and give the proceeds to a charity. They've enjoyed buying you something, you've used that gift to pass good wishes onto someone else. Win-win.

oldtractor

They have their life style and you have yours. Let them keep buying as much as they want to and give you gifts if they wish. this is their choice. For yourself ,well dont give gifts back and dont buy stuff. Your choice. they may sulk but its non of their business how you live no more than how they live is anything to do with you.

OrkneyStar

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Although I agree with your sentiments about not wasting money on gifts that won't be appreciated OP, I think a pot of jam for Christmas is very mean. Better to give nothing IMO.

If your going to give, give something that is consumable, demonstrates some effort and is above all generous. After all, you can't take your hard earned pennies with you when you go (any more than your OH's family will be able to take their tat). Life's for living, so don't forget to enjoy it occasionally too.

No no no, anyone who wants to gift me a lovely pot of anything homemade, that they have spent their time on, will get much appreciation, even adoration, over something shop bought. A gift does not have to be expensive or huge to say something special .

katieowl_2

Hmmm... Tough one.

I have an OH who has next to no contact with his family. As far as I can make out it's just that he can't be bothered, rather than he actively dislikes them? As someone who has only one living relative, apart from my kids...I find it rather peculiar, but it seems to be a man thing. Earlier this year his niece got married, we even had a discussion about what financial gift he should send, attending was never an option, as it was miles away, and I provided card and stamps, but he never saw it through, and I think they may have taken it badly, as his sisters OH used to chat to me on FB, but he doesn't any more!!!! I've actually given up, and I don't write cards for him anymore. Point I'm trying to make is maybe he'd actually LIKE not to be in close contact with them, because then what happens at Christmas is academic. They will probably not shower you with useless gifts if you are not there?

Secondly, I've lost a friend in the past, because I asked if we could 'not do' xmas anymore. I couldn't afford to match her gifts for me and my kids, and when I could see it was going the way I'd be spending more on her two kids, than I would on my three, it seemed best to admit defeat. She was mightily put out. I'd like to say it was a loss, but it was actually a great relief

I know people seem to have a mental idea of what is a 'great' or appropriate Xmas gift and there is very little you can do in the way of dissuading them that you'd rather have a hoover or a set of posh cloth menstrual pads ( Poor DD...these were the only two things she REALLY wanted from her MIL when she asked this year :rotfl: MIL was duly appalled and refused both ) I don't think you have a hope in hell of changing the mindset of people who think you should have something they consider to be a treat for xmas.

I'm like you, I'd rather have something off the 'list' and it will usually be either something to make me more frugal, or books quite often those will be useful ones too.

I think it comes down to how much of a point you want to make, and how much your OH wants to see his parents at Xmas. If I was feeling really peeved I might buy them an Oxfam voucher for a goat for a poor farmer or something

Kate

Any

I only read the first page so sorry if I missed something...
But you say they don't accept you - well sorry, none acceptance looks a bit differently!! they don't accept you yet they spend time and money buying and wrapping something they consider a good present.

You say they don't accept you because they don't do what you want them to do - do you do what they want you to do??? Acceptance is not always agreeing with someone elses ideas and do the same!

I would say that them doing what they like and you doing what you like sounds like acceptable arrangement to me. They get you what they think you might enjoy and not be able to afford (as you say they missinterpret that you do have money just don't need to live in luxury, they obviously think you are just too gracious to admit that) and they accept presents you give them.

None acceptance looks like not talking, blaming, giving names, making scenes, talking badly about you, completely missing you out of xmas list, not inviting you...

My in laws have a lot of money. They buy us much bigger presents that we buy them. MIL buys me luxurious items. I cannot offer the same back and I was brought up always to reciprocate the same.... so I felt that I need to somehow buy as big presents or get her to calm down on my presents.

My OH said to me that I will upset her very much by doing that. The point of these presents for her is to make me happy, not to get the same back. If I question the present exchange she will be absolutely horrified and hurt. I would do worse wanting lesser gifts then keep my gob shut!