Nice people thread part 7 - a thread in its prime

LydiaJ

lostinrates wrote: »

Btw Lydia, I love dating. It shouldn't feel forced, just different to what you are used to. Perhaps when you are more used to it you will relax and enjoy it.

Lots of people would find how we chat here forced, because it s new, like dating is new to you. But we all seem to cope rather well.

I dated from..well, almost the beginning. My first ltr was not always an exclusive one, so dated sometimes through that too. I just lile it, but rarely got in the position where there was 'too much' pressure on one person I was dating, so each was fun and light and enjoyable. I think it might be different now, with the knowledge of what I really want and what suits me more, and that I would be hoping dates lead to that conclusion eventually.

Oh but I did enjoy it - earlier this year before I decided I needed to sort my head out first. I had a blast meeting people. The problem is that I'm just not convinced that merely meeting a guy on a series of dates could make me feel I knew him well enough to decide I wanted to be exclusive with him in a reasonable length of time.

My first bf was on my gap year. He was living in the same hostel as me, and I was one of 3 people paying him petrol money to be driven to work - which worked out cheaper than the works bus. The other two were going out with each other, so they sat in the back, and he and I sat in the front and tried to pretend not to hear what was going on behind us. I had two half hour car journeys with him every day, and socialised with the same group of friends as him during evenings and weekends, and it still took me a couple of months to decide I was interested in going out with him. My second bf was LNE. We were students living in at the same college, and met at meals 2 or 3 times a day as well as countless meetings and social occasions.

And then I got engaged at 19 and married at 22, separated just before I turned 36, and widowed at 40. No other relationships apart from those two.

So my only previous experience of "getting to know a bloke well enough to know if I'm interested" has entailed seeing him 50-100 times socially before the question of "more than friends" was raised at all. How can you possibly get to know somebody properly if you only see him as often as you can arrange your life to be free to go out on a date? It must be possible, but it feels "all wrong" to me. I hope you're right that I'll acclimatise to this new landscape.

On second thoughts, I think I need to edit what I said earlier. First time round, there was nothing wrong with how well I got to know them before getting into an exclusive relationship. It was just the engagement decision that was stupidly too quick.

But thanks for the encouragement. Maybe I will get used to it. But all that knowledge that you mention - of what I really want and what really suits me - I know it's good to know myself like that, but it does make the whole thing much scarier, not to have that careless thoughtless overoptimism of extreme youth.

lostinrates

I think when dates start to go well is when you need friends, uncles and aunts and god parents and granddad need to step into the breach and have the kids for whole days or over night stays so you can spend more time (I know the over night is not for you, but you could have weekends away separate rooms or consecutive day activities). Also, after you know you are at this stage there is no reason why he could not be invited to social events your children don't attend (dinner parties) and some they do, where they don't meet him as 'your date' but an adult you know in a group of adults you know (church functions for example).

You are absolutely right, you cannot base a life decision on dates, but when you get to the stage where the dates are going well other plans will be enabled, because you will make sure you do, he will make sure you do.

lostinrates

PasturesNew wrote: »

I thought that'd died out in the 60s. My dad was making whooping style noises towards his end.... and he said it sounded just like when he had whooping cough (probably in 1940).

I had whooping cough in the 80s.

PasturesNew

lostinrates wrote: »

...no way should people be letting themselves in without prior agreement....

Correct. People in their own homes have the right to go about their normal life.... e.g. naked yoga in the living room while listening to whale sounds on earphones. You don't want to be caught like that!

lostinrates

PasturesNew wrote: »

Correct. People in their own homes have the right to go about their normal life.... e.g. naked yoga in the living room while listening to whale sounds on earphones. You don't want to be caught like that!

Well, unless she was waiting for chewy to find her like that. But exactly the point.

There are few boons about renting in uk, and this, ESPECIALLY in the rental bracket chewy is in, is one of them, that it's a service not the liability of owning.

LydiaJ

lostinrates wrote: »

I think when dates start to go well is when you need friends, uncles and aunts and god parents and granddad need to step into the breach and have the kids for whole days or over night stays so you can spend more time (I know the over night is not for you, but you could have weekends away separate rooms or consecutive day activities). Also, after you know you are at this stage there is no reason why he could not be invited to social events your children don't attend (dinner parties) and some they do, where they don't meet him as 'your date' but an adult you know in a group of adults you know (church functions for example).

You are absolutely right, you cannot base a life decision on dates, but when you get to the stage where the dates are going well other plans will be enabled, because you will make sure you do, he will make sure you do.

Thank you. There must be some way of making it work. The idea of being yet more beholden to other people for looking after my kids is daunting, but at this rate I probably won't meet anyone significant for another couple of years, and then DS will be 14 and old enough to babysit. Don't worry. If I can get my head sorted, I'll won't wait for DS to turn 14 before I try to get back into the market.

I wish (yet again) that all the wonderful uncles and godparents and things weren't so depressingly far away. Although my brother in Scotland did offer to have my kids for the duration of the inquest, if it happens to be in the overlap between my kids' school holidays and his kids' ones. Not that there is any sign of the inquest happening any time soon. But when it does, it will be some two and a half hours away from home, and I'll need to be there every day for probably a couple of weeks, so will probably stay at least some of the nights with another brother who's only half an hour or so away from the relevant coroner's court.

misskool

chewmylegoff wrote: »

well i thought it might work as a sign of commitment to each other, without going through the bit i don't want to do i.e. shelling out £20k for a bunch of other people (most of whom i don't really want to buy half a shandy for, let alone dinner) to eat hideously overpriced and badly cooked lamb shanks just because we've called a party "wedding".

trouble is that all that would probably happen is people would see them and say "why wasn't i invited"...

registry office, taxi driver and clerk. job done.

:cool:

lostinrates

LydiaJ wrote: »

Thank you. There must be some way of making it work. The idea of being yet more beholden to other people for looking after my kids is daunting, but at this rate I probably won't meet anyone significant for another couple of years, and then DS will be 14 and old enough to babysit. Don't worry. If I can get my head sorted, I'll won't wait for DS to turn 14 before I try to get back into the market.

I wish (yet again) that all the wonderful uncles and godparents and things weren't so depressingly far away. Although my brother in Scotland did offer to have my kids for the duration of the inquest, if it happens to be in the overlap between my kids' school holidays and his kids' ones. Not that there is any sign of the inquest happening any time soon. But when it does, it will be some two and a half hours away from home, and I'll need to be there every day for probably a couple of weeks, so will probably stay at least some of the nights with another brother who's only half an hour or so away from the relevant coroner's court.

Well firstly I would not get wrapped up in the 'beholden' thing. Your children are delightful, and I think people are probably very happy to spend time with them, we are enchanted by them both.

Also, consider that other mother's with different jobs might be grateful for their child being able to spend time with a good friend 'in return' for having yet he one of yours that is the respective friend stay for a weekend or whatever, for prolongued adult social interaction time.

Finally, the children will probably BENEFIT from the time with other adults close to them. In an other situation they would be getting complimentary but not necessary identical, and some times contrasting, input from parents and finding their own opinions and places amoung these differences is important. Time with adults in a similar adult role (similar but different) can expand your children's realm of normal and give them more choices. Even in two parent families the extended family role is under appreciated on this front I think.

So stop feeling guilty over something you should not. Your family will enjoy it, and it's good for the kids and you. Where is the down side?

misskool

PasturesNew wrote: »

I thought that'd died out in the 60s. My dad was making whooping style noises towards his end.... and he said it sounded just like when he had whooping cough (probably in 1940).

there's been an epidemic, fuelled in part by parents who don't want to vaccinate your children.

measles and mumps are making a comeback too.

lostinrates

PasturesNew wrote: »

Only if he's good .... maybe she's not cornered him for a reason

Nope, she has to be there for a reason. And if it's not holidaying together or his property portfolio or his relaxed attitude to laundered documents it must be something...:D

(chewy, really is tremendously good natured about al, of this isn't he?):D