Pros and cons of being a single mum

*Robin*

katy721 wrote: »

What are your reasons for this? This is the sort of thing I am interested in

I thought you were talking about going down the sperm donor route, when I commented yesterday. Sarymclary's post outlines the things such a prospective mother needs to think about very well.

Fostering is an entirely different matter.
I was a foster-mum when my kids were young - we had a houseful anyway so one or two extra worked well for us; sometimes the vulnerable children arrived through official channels, others via private arrangements to get kids away from violence in the home, or when their single resident parent was too ill to care for them.

Without exception our 'extras' enjoyed being part of a large friendly tribe of kids - it was chaos but fun; a far better option than a care home for them - and very rewarding in the long term for my family (we're lucky to have a large extended family who provided a lot of support). Most of the youngsters have stayed in touch as they've reached adulthood and still refer to themselves as a brother or sister of my birth-kids. I am proud to say that the children who arrived with terrible baggage [in terms of abuse and deprivation] have gone on to forge decent careers for themselves - instead of a life in the underclass which would probably have been their lot, had they not been successfully fostered.

I never made any money out of either the official or private placements but wasn't doing it for that - can't remember now but our income was probably too high to be given benefits, although the "looked after" children did have an allowance for clothes and holidays.
I gave up being registered when my health deteriorated, my own children grew older, and the rules became too restrictive to fit in with our family lifestyle.

Today there are even more children in crisis who desperately need a secure loving home. If you think you can provide that Katy, you have plenty of committed support, and you can deal with any behavioural problems the child may have, then please do take the next step.

I feel guilty for birthing more than one child into this over-crowded world - but having changed the future of another [?? gosh I'm not sure how many ??] children who were struggling, does give me the very satisfying feeling that I have made a difference during my time on this planet.

Emsywoo I cannot tell you how many times I have had to comfort a sobbing child who simply could not understand why he had been born - and wished with all their heart that they hadn't arrived on the planet at all!
People have kids because they want them, not for the sake of the yet un-conceived child..

Having to bring up kids alone after the adult relationship breaks down is one thing - hard but necessary - but choosing a single-parent existence from the start is only done for the parent's benefit.

cheepskate_2

emsywoo123 wrote: »

Ok, I'll just give up on my children now then as neither of mine has this.

What a narrow minded and arrogant post.

The facts prove what effects single parent households have on children, so in fact children need 2 committed parents to give them the best start in life.

Person_one

cheepskate wrote: »

The facts prove what effects single parent households have on children, so in fact children need 2 committed parents to give them the best start in life.

Barack Obama was raised by a single mother, he did ok.

Statistically, on average, children whose parents are together do have an advantage. However, you can't apply that to individuals, they aren't statistics!

Errata

:beer:

Person_one wrote: »

Barack Obama was raised by a single mother, he did ok.

Statistically, on average, children whose parents are together do have an advantage. However, you can't apply that to individuals, they aren't statistics!

And millions like Obama didn't.
The difficulty is that every individual is part of a statistic, and statistics don't lie but people do - to themselves.

Person_one

Errata wrote: »

:beer:
And millions like Obama didn't.
The difficulty is that every individual is part of a statistic, and statistics don't lie but people do - to themselves.

Its a complete misunderstanding and misuse of statistics to use them as a tool to criticise individuals.

Svenena

H Katy, this is a route I'm likely to take in the future. I've always wanted to foster anyway, but I also want to have my own biological child, so I'd consider the sperm donor route too.

There's been various articles out recently about 'emotional infertility', and it's more common than you might expect. If you google "single mum by choice", you'll find various resources and discussions online, and there's even books about it - one that's been recommended to me is Choosing Single Motherhood, by Mikki Morrissette (available on Amazon).

In terms of the morals around it, that's a personal decision. Of course it's not something to be taken lightly, and I've already been thinking about this for a couple of years, and intend to do so for another couple, before going ahead with anything. I personally don't buy into the whole 'children need two parents' argument - many parents will split anyway, and I think having separated parents can cause all kind of complications that wouldn't come up in a household which has made a deliberate decision to be a single-parent one. We read plenty of examples on this board every day.

But I realise many will disagree, and they're very welcome to! (But won't change my mind ). Good luck whatever you decide.

DaisyFlower

Given you have a good few years before you are debt free then there is no rush to make a decision.

If you cant afford to foster without state help, then perhaps you need to look at finances first and how you can increase your earning power.

By then, you may have met somebody anyway and it all becomes irrelevant.

Seanymph

I know two single women who foster.

There are many childre in the system who would benefit from a female only household - pregnant teens, girls who have suffered abuse.

Both the women I know make a living from it - it is their job, they are professionals.

It's not 'having a family' It's work.

There is a BIG distinction between being a 'single parent' and being a foster carer.

I would ever encourage anyone to become a single parent - It's hard work.

But a single foster carer - awesome!

clearingout

Errata wrote: »

:beer:
And millions like Obama didn't.
The difficulty is that every individual is part of a statistic, and statistics don't lie but people do - to themselves.

I have picked your comment, errata, but there are others that are equally upsetting....

I am a single mum. I didn't choose to be a single mum and as an educated, intelligent professional, I am fully aware of the disadvantages that they now face. Their father is in their lives, but not at the level that many (myself included) would consider sufficient to somehow overcome the disadvantages of living in a one-parent household.

But all that said, the biggest disadvantage my children face, in my opinion, is society's response to their 'single mum' and the negative assumptions that this carries in every possible part of everyday life. Assumptions I am on benefits, assumptions their father is absent, that they have more than one father, that I was never married, that I don't know who the father of my children is, that I have never worked, that my ex husband pays me a small fortune to sit at home and watch Jeremy Kyle, that I left school with no qualifications, I was a young mum (do the maths, is all I can say to that one!), that I can't be bothered with my children, that their 'issues' (dyslexia, dyspraxia, speech delays) are because their mum is 'single', that I believe the world owes me a favour, that I think I am 'entitled', that I only had more than one child to stay on benefits, that my children aren't properly cared for, that I drink, smoke and take drugs whilst my children never eat, that my children are under Social Services 'protection', that I shouldn't be allowed to live in a nice house or have my children attend a 'good' school, that if I have a new care on my driveway people question me how I can afford it, that I am told I should have my children's haircut because 'people' will think I can't cope, that I didn't attend parent's evening because I have no interest in my children (rather than consider other explanations), that my children are somehow 'poor' children because I work full-time and struggle to attend school events that take place during the day....

That people see a single parent and assume all of this, have no issue with telling me to my face what a terrible person I am and how disadvantaged my children are is the problem. That's YOU, joe public, reading this! It's not me, the single parent, it's your attitudes and your inability to look beyond the stereotype and see a busy working mum, doing her best with the mess she was left with. That my children are clean, have their homework done, attend activities, eat well, are polite (one got a certificate yesterday for 'always being polite and using his manners') and doing OK generally is apparently invisible. You would rather I fit the sterotype than look me in the eye and say 'goodness, it IS possible to parent children alone and do a good job'.

*sighs*

janninew

I can certainly see why a women might decide to take the route of becoming a single parent by choice, especially if they feel like they are 'running out of time.' I would worry about what happens to the child if you fall ill, or god forbid worse. Having lots of family support would be an advantage. Being pregnant isn't always straight forward, what happens if you have a difficult labour and need help for the first few weeks with the baby? What happens if like me you have a very premature baby, sitting in the NICU on your own for 14 weeks would be very lonely. Having close family is great, but I don't think its quite the same as the child's other parent.

Also what about the child asking about their Dad which I'm sure they will one day - what will you tell them?

I've read quite a lot of studies and children raised in 2 parent households do tend to do better in life, I've seen this researched often and it always seems to be the outcome. Fair enough parents who are single parents through no choice of their own, but I personally wouldn't make that choice