Pros and cons of being a single mum

jen007

katy721 wrote: »

Maybe a little bit wrong no-oneknowsme

Ideally I would be in the perfect relationship with the perfect man before having children, but these things tend not to happen to me!

I had a discussion with someone the other day though who mentioned they thought I would be an ideal candidate for fostering. I hadn't really considered it before and it got me thinking.

If I really want children, how much do I let the lack of relationship affect things?

What are the pros and cons to being a single mum?

How do finances work? Including if I were to foster?

What sort of support is there for new mums (outside of family/friends)?

All just thoughts and interest, nothing definite happening. I am just interested in peoples views.

I think fostering is a brilliant idea, however you have to bare in mind that children who go to foster parents sometimes have a lot of behavioural and emotional problems. It's not exactly the same but my friend has kinship of her niece, and before she had this she was in a foster home. She (niece) goes to 3 sessions of therapy a week. Is this something you could commit to?

I would think fostering would be a lot harder than being a single mother of your own child.
I wouldn't know of the financial side of fostering, but i'd like to think you were not doing it just for this.

Wellyboots6

jen007 wrote: »

children who go to foster parents sometimes have a lot of behavioural and emotional problems.

I wouldn't know of the financial side of fostering, but i'd like to think you were not doing it just for this.

I have experience of working with children and adults with behavioural problems so I hope this would come in useful, although I know it is totally different doing it as a job to coping at home.

I'm assuming you don't make any money from fostering, so no I would not do it for that reason. I like the idea of fostering as I know there are a lot of children out there looking for stable homes.

Yorkie1

I know someone who went down the IVF donor route after a lot of very careful thought and consideration over a number of years.

It's not what she would have preferred but time (waiting longer) was eventually not an option for her.

Yes, there was cost involved both in the initial IVF and on an ongoing basis. But she budgeted for it and was prepared emotionally. There were a lot of male role models available and the child was very well adjusted socially from an early time.

She is now married but that has been very difficult and has caused far more difficulties than parenting ever did. The two parent set up may have a lot of benefits but it is by no means a guarantee of two being better than one - and can actually thus have a detrimental impact on the child's welfare.

Wilma33

Does your brother and his partner like children? Would they be suitable role models?

Wellyboots6

Wilma33 wrote: »

Does your brother and his partner like children? Would they be suitable role models?

They are pretty good with kids, I'm sure they would be good role models

cazziebo

I was a single parent for most of my children's lives to date. My ex left when my DDs were 2 and 5mths. I met my OH when the oldest was 15 and he moved in two years ago by which time oldest was at Uni and youngest had left school. (Poor guy only got the nasty teenage years, none of the joy of early years)

It is damned hard and certainly not what I would have chosen for my children. No one to share childcare, holidays had to fit with childminders, never able to socialise with workmates, living on only one income. I had no one to share the problems with, and lots of people jumping in to share the achievements. Ex would turn up at prize giving, but never to talk to the guidance teacher when youngest was skipping school to go drinking in the park.

Worst of all, my children have never had the loving two parent family. Most other kids have had at least some experience of that. Neither of mine remember their dad being at home, and will often say they wish I'd met OH earlier because it's nice having him around. Their dad is very much part of their lives but there is a difference in having a dad that lives with you and one you see every Wednesday and every second weekend.

There are some pros - total control, never having to worry about a partner, and in many ways, I had more freedom than married friends who couldn't commit to things because hubby had to work late, play squash, whatever. I only ever had to worry about us and our timetable. We could have our dinner on a picnic blanket in the living room if we wanted. We had an open house for friends and most Saturdays had other kids sleeping over.

We had fun, but no, wouldn't have lived this way from choice.

WantToBeSE

Being a single mum, and being a single person who is going to foster, are 2 different things in my eyes.
as a fosterer, you arent their parent, 9/10 times they have at least 1 parent in their lives.

If you mean going down the IVF or AI route, i'd urge you to give it some serious consideration. I am a single mum, and it HARD WORK! I rarely leave the house after 9pm (no babysitter, so have to wait for their dad to have them- a luxury you wont have if going IVF/AI route).
Also, people who say they will happily babysit, think nothing of babysitting a baby...when said child gets to 6 or 7, or 9 or 10, people arent so keen!

Being a single parent isn't easy, it's certainly not as financially viable as many seem to think, and its not the way i wanted or planned to bring my children up. I agree that having 2 (happy!) parents in a loving relationship is the ideal.
Add on top of that, if going down the AI or IVF route, you will have to answer questions about 'Why does everyone else have a daddy and i dont' at some stage.

Fire_Fox

If you can afford it without relying on benefits and you have plans in place for if you are ill, injured or die (sorry) and there is someone of an appropriate age to act as father figure - best friend, brother - then it's your decision. There are plenty of great single parents out there, I don't think it is *necessarily* any more selfish than the average couple who have a baby, people breed because they want to not for the benefit of mankind.

sarymclary

A very good friend of mine chose to become a single parent, because of health reasons, she didn't have much time left to make that choice, and wait for Mr Right to come along (actually, she thought she'd had him, but he b*ggered off a few months beforehand)!

She had her child by donor, carefully selected, with the support of her local hospital. In making this choice, she had to take into account several things:

• was she financially secure?
• would her workplace support her?
• could she afford to take extended maternity leave?
• could she afford quality childcare?
• how would her career/job fit around a child to benefit them both?
• what support would she and her child have on a daily basis?
• was her family/friends prepared to support them emotionally (especially in times of need)?
• what happened if she got sick? Who would help with her child?
• what happened when her child was sick, could she get time off work, or was someone else able to help her?

what steps would she take to insure her life, to ensure her child was financially secure if she were to die, and could she afford this? Who would be the legal guardian in this case?

There are, of course a multitude of things that change, and are affected when you become a parent. I think to embark upon becoming a parent alone, being financially secure is a big part of it. Quality childcare is very important, and makes it easier to get on with working if you know it's good, and your child is happy.

My friend, and her child have an exceptionally good relationship together, but since her child was 2, she has been meeting up with a group specifically aimed at supporting parents of donor children (that can be a child conceived in a 2 parent family too, remember). They give ongoing support to the parents at how to tackle, approach, broach, and talk about how their child came to be, with their child, and other people. It gives advice on what tactics the child can use when tackling the issue with their peers later on too. Children, can be very matter of fact, if they are given the right information at the right time.

I believe children thrive on being loved, and feeling secure, no matter what their family structure is. My friend has a close-knit group of friends and family, who were all asked to commit to being life-long guardians/god-parents to her child, and we have all been true to our word several years down the line. This child is very secure, she is very loved, she has a variety of positive role models, male and female, in her life, and is growing into a delightful person.

I would certainly say she shows no signs, so far, of having been negatively affected by the lack of a father in her life.

I do, however, believe it was her mother's financial independence, and earning capability that has afforded them both a good quality of life, and has made things easier. Earning more than the average joint income on her own has helped I'm sure, and given them the social life, interests and travels that the average single mother wouldn't have, so they have a varied and lively time when mother/child aren't in work/school.

Most importantly though, you need to know you'll be supported by your family and close friends, because when you're sleep deprived, have a teething baby with an ear infection and haven't slept in weeks, they will be your saviours, and still love you despite you smelling like year old parmesan cheese. Ahh, the glamour of motherhood :rotfl:

SqueekyMouse

katy721 wrote: »

I'm assuming you don't make any money from fostering, so no I would not do it for that reason. I like the idea of fostering as I know there are a lot of children out there looking for stable homes.

Actually (and unfortunatly) you can 'make a living' from fostering. Social services pay you a 'wage' for fostering as well as expenses for the needs of the child and you can apply for bursaries to improve your home should it be deemed necessary for the comfort/security of the child(ren).

Absolutly fine if the money is used as intended, but I am aware that some people in some circumstances divert this money to their own pockets.