Christmas Presents!

jayII

jellyhead wrote: »

That's an option, but if the stepdad has been living in the same house as the older ones for a decade I think it would seem unloving?

My stepdad had one of his children living with us and all of the children got the same while we were growing up. I think if my stepbrother had been treated differently it may have caused the rest of us to feel like he wasn't really our stepdad, but just mum's boyfriend, if that makes sense.

I don't think it's a 'good' option, just a better one than blatantly giving bigger/more expensive joint presents to one child and smaller/less expensive ones to the other two. I suggested it as the OP seems determined to go her own way, so anything that reduces the hurt for her children has to be a good thing.

Personally, I can't even begin to imagine treating my children differently from each other in that way. This is not about (any of) their needs. It's about the OP's wants and desires.

Bennifred

Sorry, OP, I think you are being totally unfair to all your children. You should treat all three of them equally with regards to presents, otherwise you are setting your youngest up to be resented by his siblings for the rest of his life. They will blame him, not you. As others have said, he has the massive advantage of living with both of his parents together, this shouldn't be compounded by giving him more materially.

claire21

Cant the older children keep their presents they get from their father at his house and also open them there?

**Patty**

Mine are 16,15 & 10.

Like yours, the eldest 2 are from a previous marriage.

They ALL get the same value spent at christmas & birthdays.
It's not discussed with them........The only time household finances should be discussed with children is when they are old enough to contribute towards them!

Over the years, I've prided myself on treating all my children equally.....and they are aware that i love them all equally.

You can't be responsible for what other people buy your children ........you should only be concerned with the present-buying in your own home.

After all......you don't discuss other household finances with your ex do you?

FBaby

Tinks32 wrote: »

They think it unfair that my husband and I are proposing to spend double what we spend on them on our youngest for his xmas and his next birthday.

How did this come about? You were all sitting at the dining table, Christmas was mentioned and you said ' by the way, just to let you know, this year, we are planning to spend double on your little brother than on you? Or did your youngest stated he wanted something and you said that was ok because you would spend half on his brother and sister? Or did you sit them down and said 'guys, don't get too excited about Chritmas because we've decided you don't deserve to have as much spent on you as your younger brother?


You mention in both your threads that the reason is because they get a lot from their father. Is this the reason behind this decision? It almost sound as if you are jealous of them on your youngest behalf? Or is it your partner who feels this way and has manipulated you in thinking the same?

Remember that presents is rarely about financial value no matter how materialistic teenagers appear to be. In the end, it is about the gesture, the desire to please our children, and by doing that you are clearly saying indirectly that they matter less to you than their younger brother. It's not up to you to make things fair, it is up to life. If God forbid their dad died, would you force your partner to treat and love them exactly like he does his own because that would be that's what would be fair to insure the balance is right for all of them?

I really feel for you because I really don't think you are being unfair willingly and I can't help wondering how much your behaviour is the expressed one of your partner rather than your own, and that might be why your eldest started having an issue with him, and now with you for going along with it.

anguk

You have 3 children, it doesn't matter who is the father of who, you are the mother of all 3 and should be treating them all equally.

You've mentioned that the 2 eldest don't get on with their step-father and to be honest I'm not surprised because it seems to me that you're favouring him and your "together" child over your other 2 children.

I can't help wondering how many of these decisions to treat the children differently come from the step-father who wants to favour his own child and if you're just going along with it to keep the peace with him. If s you're heading for a world of heartache with your eldest 2 and it may get to the stage where neither of them want anything to do with you. Are you really willing to ruin your relationship with your 2 eldest children for the sake of you husband and youngest?

aliasojo

Tinks32 wrote: »

I have had to learn all my parenting myself as my mum and dad did not have the tools to show me how to be a parent or a caring partner. (no sob story here, just explaining that I had no role models to show me or advise me). My children also did not have the best start in life. I don't really want to go into things on here because it is a public domain, but lets just say that I am trying my best:)

None of us got a parenting book (unfortunately ), we all just do our best.

This is obviously concerning you or you wouldn't have posted, so that's a positive. Unless of course you were hoping we'd agree with you and would justify what you're doing.

Kids of any age are hard work but you MUST MUST MUST always be fair. Imo, you're not being fair. You're sending the message that the other two don't count as much to you. I don't think that is what you're meaning to do, but that is what's happening. You need to forget about what happens outwith your circle, whatever the eldest get from their Dad is irrelevant to what happens with you.

I hope you will be able to give all this some serious thought after reading all the responses you got. I really think you need to reconsider your attitude with regards to the way you treat your kids. (All of them.)

74jax

I have a DD aged 14.

My ex HB has remarried and has 2 children to his new wife. Both my ex HB and Step Mum couldn't treat DD any better than they do. DD is treated by Step Mum as her daughter. It's as though they have 3 children (both of them, not just my ex HB).

My DD has grown up knowing both of her parents (although not together) contribute to a very stable and loving family. Ideally, yes we'd all be one big family unit, but life didn't work out that way. Her Step Mum is a wonderful Step Mum, I can see that, and even her parents class themselves as my DD's Gran/Grandad. At Christmas her presents from their family stay with them and hers from us stay with us.

They buy for DD even though I do, I can't imagine splitting the family the way you mention.

As for your other thread...... I couldn't bring myself to comment on it, but I wouldn't swap the relationship my DD has with me, her Dad and Step Mum for the world.

Incidentally my ex HB and I do not get on, so it's not out of a 'friendship' we have or anything, we do what's best for our DD together.

Rebecca01

Volupturaptor wrote: »

My first thought on this was "What are they even doing discussing the amount they spend on presents with their children?"
As far as I am concerned how much I have spent on them is nothing to do with my children, they should just be grateful for what they get. And they are.

Totally agree. We get our children ( 2 step and one mine) what they ask for, within reason. We dont cost it up , and spend the same exactly. It works out roughly the same number of presents but we would never discuss how much we would spend.

kingfisherblue

I've just read some of your other thread and then come over to this thread. It concerns me that you say what a sweet boy your youngest is, but you don't seem to think of your older children the same way. Is it possible that the children are treated differently and the older ones recognise this and feel left out? No matter what their age, they need to feel secure and loved, and part of the family (which doesn't sound as thoguh they do if their stepdad isn't as loving towards them as he could be).

Personally, I would make an effort to spend time with all three children, individually and together, and would treat them equally in terms of holidays, Christmas and birthdays. If your older children don't talk to you, maybe it's time to spend more time with them and find out why.

Incidentally, I'm not in the same position, but I am in an opposite position to you. My ex has another child and she is treated to much more expensive presents, more presents, and obviously has more time with her father than my kids have. She is happy to show off her things to my kids (she's only six), and this does cause some resentment at times. When she showed off her new DSi, and my son had asked his dad for one for Christmas only to be told he couldn't afford it, it was bound to cause some upset. It's hard enough for him that his dad spends all week with his new family and only a few hours with him.