Christmas Presents!

olgadapolga

charlieismydarling wrote: »

Unfairness shown towards children during their childhood by their parents is a lifelong hurt that will never go away.

Sadly, this is very true - I was not treated the same as my two sisters (they were favoured over me) and I feel it still, some 30 years later.

podperson

OP - tbh it's one of those situations where whatever you do you're going to end up with someone feeling it's unfair. If it was me then I would concentrate on treating all the children equally while they were with me - what the father of the eldest two may do with them/buy them is not something you can control so don't try and get into 'matching' that for your youngest. He has the luxury of living with both his parents and them being in a stable and loving relationship - that's something very valuable on it's own, you don't need to throw extra toys at him.

Acc72

Tinks32 wrote: »

They think it unfair that my husband and I are proposing to spend double what we spend on them on our youngest for his xmas and his next birthday.

Our youngest never complains and never says how unfair it is that they get more than him

Looking at the above - if the child is not bothered by this then what has changed ? why do this now after 9 years ?

Volupturaptor

My first thought on this was "What are they even doing discussing the amount they spend on presents with their children?"
As far as I am concerned how much I have spent on them is nothing to do with my children, they should just be grateful for what they get. And they are.

tea_lover

Volupturaptor wrote: »

My first thought on this was "What are they even doing discussing the amount they spend on presents with their children?"
As far as I am concerned how much I have spent on them is nothing to do with my children, they should just be grateful for what they get. And they are.

Well exactly. I can't imagine why a parent wouldn't want to treat their children equally, but I also can't imagine why the children would know what was spent.

mrcow

Why are you involving your children in conversations about what's being spent?

You should give each an appropriate gift. It's not some sort of spend-fest where you have to reach a set total.

Treat your kids fairly.
Treat them equally.
And bring them up to respect each other. Not back chat or grow up in an environment of resentment.

We all have tough lives. You're no different. You need to teach your children to care for each other and for each to be an integral and a wanted/needed part of a loving, sharing family.

embob74

OP I know exactly how you feel and I do feel sorry for some of the nasty comments you have received.
I also have two older children to my ex-husband and a younger child with my new partner (similar ages in fact!)
One of the kids lived with her dad and one Xmas he told me he had spent more on her as she lived with him and he assumed I would do the same. I had spent the same amount on them all and was quite taken aback that he thought it ok to differentiate between his two children.
Looking back I do believe it unfair that the 2 older ones got double what the younger one got due to their father also buying them presents.
My youngest has never realised though so we didn't change anything but as the older ones got older they got less (they have jobs now so probably have more disposable income than we do!!)
Are you able to talk with your ex? I spoke to my ex and we decided that instead of trying to outdo each other we would match what the other spends. As their father also had more children the amount spent got less but they still had presents from me so it didn't seem like they were getting less.

jayII

I don't agree with what you are proposing, but it is yours and your partner's decision at the end of the day.

If you feel it is the right thing to do, why not give equal presents for all three children from mum (you), and your partner can give your 9 year old presents from him and smaller presents to his stepchildren?

I still think all should be treated equally, but at least if you do the above it may feel more fair to your older children.

I also think the cost of presents generally shouldn't be discussed with children, but that is only my opinion.

jellyhead

If you really feel that the youngest needs extra to make up for not having an absent father, why not take the youngest somewhere for a treat while the older ones are at their dad's house? Something that the older ones wouldn't want to do perhaps, like a visit to a farm with the youngest's best friend?

As they get older I suppose I can see how the youngest might feel hard done to, if for example everyone is saving to buy a laptop and the older ones get enough money because they get money off more people ...but while youngest is only 9 I don't think he'd really notice the value of gifts?

jellyhead

jayII wrote: »

I don't agree with what you are proposing, but it is yours and your partner's decision at the end of the day.

If you feel it is the right thing to do, why not give equal presents for all three children from mum (you), and your partner can give your 9 year old presents from him and smaller presents to his stepchildren?

I still think all should be treated equally, but at least if you do the above it may feel more fair to your older children.

I also think the cost of presents generally shouldn't be discussed with children, but that is only my opinion.

That's an option, but if the stepdad has been living in the same house as the older ones for a decade I think it would seem unloving?

My stepdad had one of his children living with us and all of the children got the same while we were growing up. I think if my stepbrother had been treated differently it may have caused the rest of us to feel like he wasn't really our stepdad, but just mum's boyfriend, if that makes sense.