Wife won't allow our children to see grandparents

stressed-eric

Thanks for all the responses, I hadn't expected this many. It's really helpful to get some other perspectives on the situation.

To answer some of the questions, I have tried talking to my wife about this but we always end up arguing and nothing gets resolved. I try to listen but she will quickly become angry and start shouting, which isn't helpful in solving our problems.

From what she has told me she doesn't feel as though she has anything in common with my parents. My wife is very focused on education, and is quite serious most of the time. My parents like to take the children out for the day to have fun and I think she sees them as frivolous. This may be true, but they only saw their grandchildren (before this problem started) once a month, so it is understandable that they want to spoil them and show them how much they love them.

The other criticism my wife levels at my parents is that they ignore her. They do try to talk to her, but there may be some element of truth to this. I have often tried to encourage them to involve her more but it is difficult, they often just don't what to say to her. Also my wife tends to isolate herself and go off by herself, so there's two sides here.

Ultimately I feel that my wife is doing this to my parents because she can. She knows exactly how much heartache she is causing them. I would never dream of refusing her parents access to our children. I can't understand why some people need to cause unecessary suffering when there is so much in the world already.

I can't see anyway out of this. My wife is unlikely to relent, and the more we argue the more entrenched she becomes. If I bring the kids to my parents she has threatened to take them out of the country. If we divorce, it is likely that she would get custody of the children, and then I wouldn't see them at all. This is all I can think about, and it's affecting my home life and work. I never thought I could be so miserable.

daska

(((HUGS)))

Have you told her how you're feeling? How does she react? Is it possible that she is looking for an excuse so she can blame you for the problems you're having and save face? Or has she just got so entrenched in her position that she can't give way without losing face.

Education is obviously important, that's a given, but there needs to be space for fun as well. Could you find a middle way, a lot of museums and science parks and the like have interactive, educational displays that are also great fun! Is that a possibility she might be willing to explore?

Mojisola

stressed-eric wrote: »

I can't see anyway out of this. My wife is unlikely to relent, and the more we argue the more entrenched she becomes. If I bring the kids to my parents she has threatened to take them out of the country.

If we divorce, it is likely that she would get custody of the children, and then I wouldn't see them at all. This is all I can think about, and it's affecting my home life and work. I never thought I could be so miserable.

She can't take them to live in another country without your permission.

If you think she might book a holiday and not bring them back, you can get a court order to prevent the children leaving the country.

andygb

I have to say, that having read everything, your wife sounds like a control freak. It is possible that she did not have a happy childhood and spent all her time learning, which may then lead to her adopting the same attitude with her own children. If she does not appreciate your parents are loving grandparents, simply because they want the children to be happy - enjoy the things which children get benefit from, then I am afraid that she has "issues".
The point about her threatening to take them out of the country is more worrying, and again points the finger at her not wanting to compromise on anything. This is such a serious threat, that if I were you, I would try to get some legal advice, or maybe suggest to your wife, that the pair of you go for counselling - Relate or something similar. If she refuses, then it means that the situation is very serious.
The reason for your parents "ignoring" her, may in fact be because your wife is giving off very negative vibrations when they are around, and you have to ask yourself honestly, have they ever done anything to upset her?

balletshoes

I'm really sorry Eric, thats appalling that your wife has threatened to take your children out of the country. Where are the children's passports? If I thought my husband, after making such a threat, was remotely serious I'd be taking steps to prevent that.

I still don't understand why your wife won't let you take your children to see their grandparents without her? Why does she get angry and start shouting when you both try to talk about it?

Thegirl

My mother in law is not great with me. At times she has been vile, rude, offensive and very often selfish. Christmas is the worst. I get ignored all day. But hear what I said there, I get ignored, that's because I still go. It's not fun for me. But marriage is about compromise. And they are great, mainly, with my son. I try and concentrate on the positives.
I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that perhaps you don't understand how badly your wife perceives their behaviour towards her. Also it may be that they don't even behave that badly now at all but the damage is done and she's just sensative to anything now. I think it's unlikely this came from nowhere, but that is quite irrelevant. She has got to suck it up and accept they are your parents. Even if she can't bring herself to see them, you and your children need a relationship with them.

quantumleap

You are essentially being blackmailed by your wife which I would say puts you in a fairly untenable situation. Marriage is, in my opinion, a partnership built on love, mutual respect and trust - what is happening with you at the moment is anything but.

The issues your wife has with your parents may well be completely valid and something that you and she need to work through but they are no reason for her preventing your children seeing what sound like very loving grandparents.


You really do need "to grow a set" so to speak. If my wife was to adopt this attitude I would make every effort to understand her concerns and demonstrate to her that I support her and will try to work through the problems - however I would make it clear that my children will be visiting their grandparents and that I won't be threatened. If you are genuinely concerned then I would ensure that passports were removed.

Also, if I had to seriously consider removing passports I would also be seriously considering seeing a good solicitor.

daska

quantumleap wrote: »

You are essentially being blackmailed by your wife which I would say puts you in a fairly untenable situation. Marriage is, in my opinion, a partnership built on love, mutual respect and trust - what is happening with you at the moment is anything but.

The issues your wife has with your parents may well be completely valid and something that you and she need to work through but they are no reason for her preventing your children seeing what sound like very loving grandparents.


You really do need "to grow a set" so to speak. If my wife was to adopt this attitude I would make every effort to understand her concerns and demonstrate to her that I support her and will try to work through the problems - however I would make it clear that my children will be visiting their grandparents and that I won't be threatened. If you are genuinely concerned then I would ensure that passports were removed.

Also, if I had to seriously consider removing passports I would also be seriously considering seeing a good solicitor.

What's that lovely quote about 'a set' being delicate whereas the female equivalent has to be strong enough to take a good pounding? A determined woman is a force to be reckoned with.

I'm sorry OP I missed the bit where you confirmed that she had threatened to take the kids out of the country. As per quantumleap you really NEED to take legal advice and, erm, 'mislay' the passports for the time being - perhaps your parents could keep them safely for you? If nothing else it removes the option of them disappearing while you're at work while you get legal advice on getting a court order to prevent them being taken out of the country.

If they don't already have passports start with the Passport advice line 0300 222 0000 for details on how to request that they aren't issued.

Specific advice on preventing abduction is available from Reunite

Details on how the passport agency can help prevent abduction HERE

Best of luck

Nicki

Perspective is an interesting thing sometimes

If we read a story about an english woman married to an asian man, living in a foreign country with two young children and no other family, where after 10 years the husband's family had made no attempt to welcome into the family to the extent that even the husband could see that at family gatherings she is outright ignored, because they have discovered no common interests with her, and her wishes in respect of the children's upbringings were disregarded and her opinions undermined, and the husband is wholly on the parents' side, would we be similarly horrified that the woman wanted to end the marriage and bring her children "home"?

I would not want my children taken to a foreign country, and I would IN THE SHORT TERM take steps to make sure this didn't happen while I tried to work on the marriage. However, if OP doesn't want to work on his marriage and his parents relationship with his wife, and thinks his wife is a heartless person doing this only to cause suffering to him and his parents, then ultimately there will be a time of reckoning and a divorce, at which point there will have to be decisions about where the children are to live, and that could as easily be Asia (or the UK but hundreds of miles away from OP) as with OP himself.

stressed-eric

Mojisola wrote: »

She can't take them to live in another country without your permission.

If you think she might book a holiday and not bring them back, you can get a court order to prevent the children leaving the country.

She can't legally take the children out of the country without permission, but her country of birth hasn't subscribed to the Hague convention on the civil aspects of vhild abduction. I'm no lawyer, but i understand this to mean that the courts would be of no help to me in getting the children back to this country.

Also I have taken steps to secure the children's UK passports, but there's nothing to stop her getting them passports from her embassy. She basically holds all the cards, and this is what keeps me awake at night.

Thanks again.