Wife won't allow our children to see grandparents

balletshoes

OP has your wife discussed with you why she feels the way she does about your parents? Have you asked her?

If it were me, and my partner refused to come visit my parents with me, then I'd say thats fair enough. It wouldn't stop me visiting them, and I'd take the kids along with me.

FBaby

She is perfectly entitled to not want to see them, whatever her reason, she however had no right at all to impose on her children to stop seeing their grand-parents because of something that concerns her and only her. She is being extremely selfish.

You need to man up, tell her that she doesn't have to see them, but you will take your children there whether she likes it or not. They are also YOUR children (that is of course assuming her attitude has nothing to do with concern she could be harming them in such a way that even in your presence they wouldn't be safe).

poet123

stressed-eric wrote: »

Hi,

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have 2 children aged 9 and 6. My wife's family live abroad in asia, and so we don't get to see them as often as we would like (once a year maybe).

Recently my wife's mother became ill, and it was a very stressful time for us. Fortunately she is now making a good recovery.

My wife however has taken against my parents, saying they ignore her, and she now refuses to let them visit us at our home or for me to bring our children to their home. This has been going on for some time and is causing an enormous amount of stress for my parents, who love their grandchildren dearly.

I feel like I am being torn apart as I am in the middle of this horrible situation and just want things to go back to how they were.

Any advice much appreciated.

Could it be anything to do with her own mother? Maybe her illness brought it home to her that she doesn't see enough of her grandchildren and in some way she s trying to equalise things. Irrational of course, but just an idea. Alternatively, when she says they ignore her does she mean her comments re what should be done by the grandparents are ignored, no biscuits, no sweets etc?

I agree with the poster who said, that it is likely she has mentioned the reason to you and you have either not heard her, or ignored how seriously she viewed it.

Time to sit down and have a good talk about it.

daska

I'm gobsmacked at how many people are advising the OP to take his children there anyway without trying to get to the root of this. Cutting out a child's grandparents is a very serious step for a parent to take when they're still in a relationship; to make no effort to establish why she has developed this aversion might be the death knell. Does the OP want to get home one day and find his kids have moved Asia?!

Nicki

Is your wife asian and you not? Or is it just that her parents live in Asia. Could there have been some cultural difference which has arisen and made her feel uncomfortable? My initial suspicion because she refuses the let the children see the grandparents even when she is not required to be there, is that something has happened to the children (or one of the children has said something) with the grandparents. If there is a cultural difference though, that could be as simple as a grandparent of one sex having a helping or affectionate interaction with a grandchild of the opposite sex, which might be acceptable to us but unusual in a different culture. I can see why she might be hesitant to voice that to you though and fall back on an excuse.

If that is a red herring though and you are both from the same cultural background, there are really only 3 possibilities I think:

1. Your wife is mentally unwell. You live with her. Have you noticed any signs of that? If yes, then medical help may be needed.

2. Your wife is a spiteful selfish person who is domestically abusing you. You've been together at least 10 years if you have a 9 year old child. Has she ever shown any signs of this before? If not, I think you can discount this and ignore any posts advising you to ride roughshod over her, blah, blah

3. Your parents have done something to upset her. Ignored her, not been supportive during the recent stressful period, undermined her as a parent, said something unkind. If any of these, you need to get to the bottom of it, and if you can broker a rapprochment between them, which may require an apology on your parent's part and a commitment not to behave in that way again.

make_me_wise

It sounds as if you have all been through a very traumatic time recently. I would recommend having a very open and honest chat with your wife and getting to the bottom of why she is pushing your parents away. Her actions and demands appear unreasonable on the surface. However until you understand what is driving this for her it will not be possible to move on positively as a family unit.

You both need to listen very carefully to each others feelings and thoughts about this situation and reach a compromise you can both cope with. Otherwise bitter resentment will fester away and could cause damage to your relationship.

Wickedkitten

Definitely agree that you need to talk to your wife and get down to the bottom of this. If this is something that has been going on for awhile then I doubt it is as simple a matter as your wife thinks they are ignoring her.

whitewing

It could well be that your wife is desperately wanting for all of you to visit her parents, or have them over here. I guess you are saying it can't be afforded.

I doubt she is doing it spitefully. Maybe just trying to bring home to you how unhappy she is with the whole situation. Perhaps she doesn't feel that they acknowledge her side of the family.

I agree with those who say, talk and listen.

Buzby

Afraid she has no right to insist on the exclusion if it's against your wishes.(The children are yours too). She may not like it, but unless there is an underlying reason you have not disclosed, this comes across as simple jealousy and nothing more.

It would be difficult to stop a 6yomblurting out thry've seen Gran/Grandpa, so for a quiet life to need to get the reason, and use your powers of persuasion to make the change more palatable before kicking it all up a notch.

As I see it 5 people will benefit from this interaction, that's pretty good for a simple act.

whitewing

Can you and your wife go over and see her family and leave the children with their grandparents (to cut costs). Then have a good old chat about it all. A lot of Asian ladies I know would expect to be nursing their mother thro an illness. Are you sufficiently taking into account her cultural views? Maybe she's having a hard time balancing cultures at the moment.