Back to the ex - can it work?

HeadAboveWater

Sooooooooooo true!! And it happens to so many people it scary!!!

Aw that's fab! But you gotta not look! My OH is my SILs brother! :eek: I knew of him but didn't know him. We were under each others noses all the time but had absolutely no idea!! :rotfl: Strange how life works out sometimes!!

Mr_Toad

Saturnalia wrote: »

This is the decider, really. He's got two days to tell his boss he IS leaving on time Thurs as he's got someone to see. Other people with busy jobs and lives manage to start and keep relationships. He's not that special.

I mean, as an example, the man I had the crush on recently is insanely busy, he works full time and is involved in a lot of other projects... but he's met this girlfriend and has actually made time in his schedule to see her, because he wants to be there. And it looks like the easiest thing in the world, to say you'll be there and actually show up.

It's not always that simple, there's busy and there's busy.

I spent 30 years on call and you don't get the option to tell the boss that you will be leaving on time because you have plans.

That's why I was paid a hefty retainer plus additional money for each call. Some calls are quick some used to take days to sort out. I spent whole weekends either working or grabbing a couple of hours sleep before going back. Sometimes I'd been in the house less than 5 minutes when the call came and I had to go back irrespective of any plans.

I was a good provider for my family but I missed an awful lot of my children growing up.

It sounds like the second man was busy through choice and temperament and could make time if he wished.

Saturnalia

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Seems to me that you would benefit from seeing your GP. Counselling, perhaps, you do sound very depressed. And perhaps look at the possibility of being checked for symptoms of ASD spectrum disorders, if only to eliminate the possibility of, say, Aspergers, affecting your interpersonal relationships.

This point really jumped out at me because you are the third person recently to suggest it. (And the other two have close relatives with the condition so obviously know what they are looking for.)

I did quite a lot of reading yesterday on ASDs after seeing your post, and most of it seemed to describe me. Mind you, I'm a tad sceptical as we can diagnose ourselves with anything after reading a list of symptoms on Google. But it was reading the stories of people with the condition that was like reading my own life story described better than I could put it myself.

So I guess it is something to look into. It's scary in a way, but then again I've known since early childhood when you first become aware of being yourself that something is wrong with me, (no-one's ever shied away from telling me that either, I know a lot of them are probably joking but I've heard it way too many times as abuse to see the funny side) so it's not as though there is anything to be won or lost by finding out if there's a reason for that?

I've been treated for depression for years but I don't think that's really what is wrong with me. It's more like I get so frustrated with trying so so hard and getting nowhere and I just burn-out from time to time.

I'm about there now really. Every little thing that everyone is doing and saying today is annoying me and if I could go and stay in one room and not see or speak to another soul for a few days, I'd be fine!

Saturnalia

Well guys, it's happened as predicted. Got a call at 4p.m., sorry can't make it, yada yada. So I told him not to bother me again. That if he wanted to give me another try, he'd show up on time and as promised for our FIRST EFFING DATE. That he has made a rod for his own back by not standing up to his boss and having at least one night a week where he leaves on time. That he can use his job as an excuse, but other hard-working people manage to make time for relationships. Hell, presidents, prime ministers, CEOs of multinationals, members of emergency services on call, Forces people in war zones for 6 months at a time make time to start relationships, get married and stay married, don't they?

And I don't feel bad about it at all. I opened that box knowing pretty much what I would find inside. I gave him one try in case anything had changed in the intervening four years, but now I know it hasn't I can move on without regrets or "what if?"s.

I honestly believe workaholism is a real disease like any other addiction, the addict is using their drug-of-choice to avoid living in the real world, to avoid looking in the mirror and seeing someone they don't like very much looking back. (Just my take on it, professionals may see it differently.)

And given how he used to be constantly stressed (probably still is if nothing has changed) couldn't shut his mind off, needed prescription pills to get through the day and others to get him to sleep, too much alcohol, his weight yo-yo'd due to living on snatched junk food at his desk for 6 months and slim-fast for the next 6... and he's probably still exactly the same and now he's 38 years old, his addiction will kill him young. I'm sure of it.

Fire_Fox

((hugs)) Sorry to hear he is a waste of oxygen, glad you are feeling philosophical about it.

Valli

aww I was kinda hoping I was wrong.

Saturnalia

Aah, I wouldn't go so far as to call him an oxygen thief. He is a lovely bloke, but obviously quite messed up and doesn't know what he wants, and a carp excuse for a boyfriend!

Maybe he'll get his self together at some point. Or maybe he'll realise too late that he has thrown his life away (and alienated a woman who could have been perfect for him!) Or maybe he never will realise that. Either way up, I'm better off out of there.

I think I tried it with the right attitude - a cynical "we'll see" rather than a romantic "this is the one!" and hanging around to be disappointed. Anyone can promise the world, it's when it's time to deliver that you find out who is worth your time.