Back to the ex - can it work?

thegirlintheattic

I'd give him a wide berth - if he's changed why hasn't he been snapped up in the last 4 years?

Have a friend who keeps going back to her ex, everytime she says it's different he's changed. She's even just moved half way across the country to be with him. Has he changed? I don't think so. He pops up every 6 months or so for a bit, before slipping into his old ways, often cheating, and then being dumped.

Saturnalia

I just don't understand this "he's not with someone else after 4 years". What does that mean? I haven't dated anyone else in 4 years either, not for the lack of looking but dateable men don't just drop out of the trees as you walk by.

So if he's not with anyone else because he's not worth having, that must mean you guys think the same of me.

tea_lover

I hope this doesn't sound overly harsh but imho he's not even an ex. You went out a couple of times and he couldn't put the time or effort in. Ok he has a busy job but if he wanted to see you (and at the start of a relationship you really should!) he would have found the time. He didn't look you up, or contact you, he bumped into you.

Hopefully this doesn't come across as mean, as believe me, that's not my intention but seriously, he's just not that into you.

I've read your other posts and you sound like a really lovely person who, at times, struggles with self-doubt. Do you really think getting involved with someone who you already know won't put you first will help with that?

rpc

Give him a go, the worst that happens is it doesn't work out. Better do that than always wonder what if...

Also introduce him to the working time directive. Assuming he is employed by a UK office, bits of it are being broken and they are bits that cannot be opted-out of.

podperson

To be honest I would be a little wary of him saying that things have calmed down 'a bit' at work. In my experience that tends to mean it hasn't really but he doesn't want to say that.

If you do want to give him the benefit of the doubt then maybe try a few dates, keep it light, and see if he can actually make the effort to put you first or whether the same issues keep coming up. If they do then personally I wouldn't be sticking around. It's fine to say that someone needs a challenging job but in reality it's frustrating and I think quite damaging to your self-esteem to feel like you're always coming in second place. You deserve better then that x

Saturnalia

We had a few texts this morning, he wants to know if I'm free tonight (I'm not) tomorrow night (I'm not) and we've made a date for Thursday night.

But it's hit home that if things are the same as they were last time round, he'll call off an hour before. And I've been thinking how this is a test now, whether he delivers on his words or not.

And really, how sad it is starting something new with the assumption that I'll be let down?

delain

Better than being unrealistic!

Really it shows that you're keeping your head.

Good luck and I hope things work out this time around x

Saturnalia

This is the decider, really. He's got two days to tell his boss he IS leaving on time Thurs as he's got someone to see. Other people with busy jobs and lives manage to start and keep relationships. He's not that special.

I mean, as an example, the man I had the crush on recently is insanely busy, he works full time and is involved in a lot of other projects... but he's met this girlfriend and has actually made time in his schedule to see her, because he wants to be there. And it looks like the easiest thing in the world, to say you'll be there and actually show up.

Saturnalia

Thinking about all this maybe there is an element of desperation there - but wouldn't you feel the same if you were me?

I've told this story on here many times. I'm 31 and had one serious relationship (a disaster, of course) from 18-20. Since then there have been 3 flings of a month or two's duration. And the last was this relationship-that-never was 4 years ago which never got as far as sleeping together, so I probably shouldn't even include that on the tally.

I've been celibate since December 2005. The only person I've even kissed in all that time has been, guess who, this man 4 years ago and now on Sunday night. Can you even imagine how that feels? I guess not.

I've had to accept I'll probably never have the chance to decide on having children. I've never wanted them, but that was always my choice, and now it's not, it's been decided for me. I have a medical condition where pregnancy at my age is very chancy and I'm probably not fertile anymore either due to it.

I seem to be a very strange person to match as well. I don't seem to see the world in the same way as most people and I struggle to really connect with them. Plus, despite having what I think is a normal sex drive, I just don't feel attracted to many people. I meet about one man every three years I feel I could be with. And it's rare they feel the same way, but they always like me as a friend. Work that one out! Plus it seems to take me quite a while to get to the point of feeling comfortable enough for physical contact, and there aren't many out there who can put up with that. Most normal people are in bed after a couple of hours and here's me flinching if I'm touched too soon. But once I get comfortable with someone I can't get enough of them. All the armchair-psychiatrists diagnose me as frigid, but I don't think that's my problem.

And on here, two people have said it and I've asked what they meant but got no reply, that not having a relationship after four years basically means you're a waste of space. In relation to him, but how do you think that makes me feel, given that I haven't had a real relationship for 11 years? I already feel like a freak given that everyone else seems to be able to go to the shop and come back with a new boy/girlfriend.

Don't you think I would love to believe I'll find someone who understands me, shares my sense of humour & interests, cares about me, fancies me but is prepared to wait till I'm ready? Oh and wants a real relationship? But how likely is it? I have to be realistic at this point. I've been searching for that person half my life and at some point you have to accept what's looking back at you from the mirror.

So I'm reading these replies that I know are coming from a place of genuine sympathy and concern; but at the same time coming from a position of privilege that I don't have.

tea_lover

The thing is - settling for someone can be far, far more lonely than actually being on your own (and I am very much speaking from experience here). Being in a relationship where neither of you really have your hearts in it can be soul-destroying. You've been making such good progress with your new home, new friends, new social life.... I think people are just worried that you might lose sight of all the progress you've made if things don't work out with this guy.