Back to the ex - can it work?

Valli

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

So what's different this time?




An extra element of desperation?



A lowering of standards?




A lack of AA batteries?



None of these are worth making do with someone who couldn't even make you feel special for a 4th date.

50/50 IMO:p

Valli

Saturnalia wrote: »

Whenever he made a date with me, something would come up at work and he'd have to cancel with about an hour's notice, or he'd turn up but be so exhausted and stressed he wasn't really there with me. And the stress level was really affecting his health too, he wasn't sleeping despite being utterly exhausted, had started ADs and was eating a rubbish diet, mostly at his desk, and drinking more than he should in an effort to unwind. I felt guilty about being another demand on his time and after a month of constant let-downs and feeling lonelier than I ever did single, I threw a tantrum and walked.

We've had the occasional FB chat in the last 4 years but hadn't seen each other IRL since last night. And now he has said that he regrets losing me, he thinks he's grown up a lot since then and things have calmed down "a bit" at work although he is still kept quite busy (frankly he's one of these that is so brainy that he needs to be constantly stretched and would go mad in a slower-paced job, gosh I know that breed so well!)

He didn't put you first before. He won't now. He hasn't 'looked you up' because what you had was so good but the time wasn't right. You just happened to bump into each other. If it was so good back then and looked like it could be good again you wouldn't even be asking. I know I'm being harsh but...

Fire_Fox

So basically you still fancy the pants off each other and neither of you have had regular monkey business over the last four years. Are you both perhaps letting your hormones cloud your thinking? You shouldn't need to try to distract him from the job, either he wants to make time for a personal life and to take care of his health or he doesn't. Maybe wait for him to contact you and explain exactly how he is going to ensure things are different this time. And why it's taken four years and an accidental meeting to work that out.

Valli

Fire_Fox wrote: »

So basically you still fancy the pants off each other and neither of you have had regular monkey business over the last four years.

and yet they were so restrained...

Fire_Fox

Valli wrote: »

and yet they were so restrained...

So? The world is not divided into the frigid and those with loose knicker elastic!

Lexxi

Saturnalia wrote: »

I threw a tantrum and walked.

Maybe his ego is still bruised at you ending it for not being treated how you want to be treated? I have 'accidental' emails from an ex that I walked out on, he thought very highly of himself and I know he expected me to get over my tant and go back.

If you really think it's worth something forget what happenend and treat it as a new relationship, people can grow and change in 4 years.
Take it very slowly though, he may have just embarking on a career in infidelity and having now refined his tactics knows he can re-assess his skills.

*Robin*

Saturnalia, you have come such a long way in the last few weeks (well done!). It's hard to believe you're thinking of throwing away all that progress on another 'needy' relationship.

How about trying good old-fashioned friendship for a while? Find out whether you and he have anything in common and enjoy spending time together - but without committing your heart right at the beginning.

Honestly, if you're hoping to eventually find a partner for the rest of your life, then learn to be happy as an individual first.

Bufger

I'd look towards future scenarios:

If you had kids with him you'd be pretty much raising them alone and they wouldnt know their dad so well. this would be a big point of arguement but you've already bought into the fact work comes first.

Booking a holiday, going on a weekend retreat, having a romantic night in - sorry work comes first!

How about a visit to your family where he's asking for the wireless WPA code as soon as you enter the house.


Do what you want but you are already buying into the fact that his work will come first. If you're ok with that then go for it

January20

Well, I'm going to go against the grain here and pretty much agree with Meritaten. What do you have to lose? You are free and single. You obviously have unfinished business with this guy.

I have no idea how old you are but 4 years can change a person (or not). It's for you to decide whether he has changed enough in the that time. You could start a few dates with him and see how it goes.

Only one thing worries me: a few weeks ago, you were really down and you have picked up dramatically. How would you cope if this relationship was to be a failure?

It may be this is Mr Right. It may be this is just Mr Right-Now as someone else said. So what? Not every relationship has to be "for ever"! Sometimes life brings us what we need at a certain time. Just be careful.

Marisco

Well I'd say give it a go, and if it doesn't work this time, then call it a day and forget all about him. There can be nothing worse than 10/20/30 years down the line, sitting there thinking "what if"? So long as you understand his work will always come first, and are willing to accept that, then go for it.