Back to the ex - can it work?

ragecake

Follow your heart, Its a better thing than asking a bunch of people on a forum.
4 years can change a person, it really can.

Go on a few dates with him, and see how it progresses.

krlyr

If it's any help, I'm only 25 but have always been a bit "out of the loop" dating wise. First kiss at 18, first relationship at 19 (the kisser turned out to be a dud with a girlfriend which put me off for a while!), which only lasted a few months and probably doesn't really count for much because it was a bit of a pants excuse of a relationship anyway. Though it also happened to be my longest - just seemed to get unlucky with blokes who seemed to want a serious relationship then turned out to not really be that interested in anything with a future.
I've never really been a hugely touchy-feely person. Not that I didn't like cuddles from my mum or snuggling up to a boyfriend but I dislike the whole hugs from friends/kisses on the cheek/etc. - I'd much rather just give a wave goodbye from a safe distance! I couldn't work up the nerve to even hold OH's hand until about our 4th date Poor bloke wasn't sure I actually liked him for a while, but I had explained that I was on the shy side and he was fine with it. We had this awkward date at home watching DVDs on the sofa with about a 2 inch gap between us, which felt like it was about a mile wide because I was so self-concious of it - did I subtly slide over, put my hand on his leg, get up for a drink and plop myself down a bit closer? It all seems very silly now, because like you say, once we got past that barrier it all just became so natural - it's constant hugs, touches on the arm, an arm around the waist, etc.

You may have 6 years on me but I just wanted to say you're not on your own - don't feel like you're not normal. What is normal? I certainly wouldn't want to be like some of the friends I've had who can't function without a boyfriend - to the outside world, sure they may be able to get a boyfriend at the click of their fingers, but when you see it close up you realise how much rubbish some of them put up with just to avoid the single status.

It's cliche but I believe there is someone out there for everyone. Not even from a fate/cupid/destiny POV but just plain and simple, there are billions of people in existance, what is the likelihood that you are really such a unique person that no one in the world would find you attractive and want a relationship? You can't be the only person in the world to have that sense of humour, the only one to not be overly physical with people initially, to want a serious relationship. Whether you meet that person (and I'm sure there are more than one of them) is a different matter but that's why you have to get out there, make yourself meet more people, because you're unlikely to have him fall onto your lap. You may meet lots of frogs in the process, but I think if you take the right attitude toward dating - realising that not every guy you meet is going to suit you, or you suit them, you put yourself in a much better position to be picky and wait for that right guy rather than accept whatever's on offer. I got myself into that right mindset before I signed back up to a dating site and found myself refusing to even entertain quite a few blokes I may have previously chatted to or maybe even met up with, got a lot fussier, and somehow managed to meet the male version of myself! We've been together 3 years now (smashed that 3 month record!), bought a house together and I can see us being in it for the long run - it's certainly not something I pictured myself doing at 25, and not what I thought I'd achieve when I signed up to that website, but life have a funny way of working at times!

This particular guy? I'd say give it a go, given the way things ended before, but just remember that you're worth more than being second-best in a relationship. As the poster says above - a relationship like that could be more lonely than being single.

YoungBaker

I would also give it a go. You have nothing to lose - if after a month or two its the same old story then at least you know you tried and it would never work as he hasnt actually changed at all. On the other hand, what if you end up single still in ten years time -look back and he has found someone else and settled down and you think 'what if'.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Now you're being a bit daft, Sats.



You're 31. That's all. Even with such conditions as PCOS, it's perfectly possible to have children in your 30s or 40s. And for those who can't have children at all, if they want to, there is adoption, fostering or adjusting to the situation and finding fulfillment in other things.



Desperation - and depression - aren't the greatest of aphrodisiacs for men or women. So it's normal that you don't fancy someone when you've been so down for so long and that you don't come across as being more than a friend.


Normal people ARE NOT falling into bed after a couple of hours.



What I actually meant was, if he hasn't had a relationship in the intervening four years, that suggests that he hasn't made any changes in his life that would make a relationship likely. And the drinking to 'relax' (so he had opportunities to get ratarsed, but not to see you) is a major bail out for anyone.

It is unfair and more akin to the negative thinking you have shown on previous threads that you took this as attacking you. To be blunt, your comment proves my point - you haven't changed much about your life until the last couple of weeks. But at least you have changed some things, unlike him.



Don't try and convince yourself that you're some sort of freak and everyone else is happily shagging away with a different bloke every ten minutes, getting married and living happily ever after when they're bored with that. Or that anyone who doesn't negatively confirm that your life is crap and you may as well throw yourself at someone who doesn't value you any more than you do has no idea of how awful your life is.


Don't you remember saying it was a relief not being in the same house as your old landlady any more because she dragged you down with her negativity? You don't need somebody to validate inaccurate conceptions about you being at the end of your useful life, anymore than anyone around you needs to be hearing the same sort of negativity from you that your landlady was carrying around with her.

Some of us have experienced a hell of a lot more stuff than you have. and some of us haven't. Which isn't your fault, anymore than it is ours.



Seems to me that you would benefit from seeing your GP. Counselling, perhaps, you do sound very depressed. And perhaps look at the possibility of being checked for symptoms of ASD spectrum disorders, if only to eliminate the possibility of, say, Aspergers, affecting your interpersonal relationships.



Oh, and it is absolutely normal when you make a big change, such as moving, to feel down afterwards.



I am not having a go at you - but I am being absolutely straight with you.

Fire_Fox

Saturnalia wrote: »

Thinking about all this maybe there is an element of desperation there - but wouldn't you feel the same if you were me?

I've told this story on here many times. I'm 31 and had one serious relationship (a disaster, of course) from 18-20. Since then there have been 3 flings of a month or two's duration. And the last was this relationship-that-never was 4 years ago which never got as far as sleeping together, so I probably shouldn't even include that on the tally.

I've been celibate since December 2005. The only person I've even kissed in all that time has been, guess who, this man 4 years ago and now on Sunday night. Can you even imagine how that feels? I guess not.

I've had to accept I'll probably never have the chance to decide on having children. I've never wanted them, but that was always my choice, and now it's not, it's been decided for me. I have a medical condition where pregnancy at my age is very chancy and I'm probably not fertile anymore either due to it.

I seem to be a very strange person to match as well. I don't seem to see the world in the same way as most people and I struggle to really connect with them. Plus, despite having what I think is a normal sex drive, I just don't feel attracted to many people. I meet about one man every three years I feel I could be with. And it's rare they feel the same way, but they always like me as a friend. Work that one out! Plus it seems to take me quite a while to get to the point of feeling comfortable enough for physical contact, and there aren't many out there who can put up with that. Most normal people are in bed after a couple of hours and here's me flinching if I'm touched too soon. But once I get comfortable with someone I can't get enough of them. All the armchair-psychiatrists diagnose me as frigid, but I don't think that's my problem.

And on here, two people have said it and I've asked what they meant but got no reply, that not having a relationship after four years basically means you're a waste of space. In relation to him, but how do you think that makes me feel, given that I haven't had a real relationship for 11 years? I already feel like a freak given that everyone else seems to be able to go to the shop and come back with a new boy/girlfriend.

Don't you think I would love to believe I'll find someone who understands me, shares my sense of humour & interests, cares about me, fancies me but is prepared to wait till I'm ready? Oh and wants a real relationship? But how likely is it? I have to be realistic at this point. I've been searching for that person half my life and at some point you have to accept what's looking back at you from the mirror.

So I'm reading these replies that I know are coming from a place of genuine sympathy and concern; but at the same time coming from a position of privilege that I don't have.

I haven't replied because I simply didn't see your question until now, my comment about the four years is that it could indicate he is still a workaholic and he could be letting his hormones talk.

I'm pushing 40 and have had three significant relationships - dysfunctional 'stormy' marriage, the love of my life who died ten years ago, then the cheating bar-steward. I've been celibate coming up to three years and it's highly unlikely that will change. I am child free by choice but my ex wanted them, it was a very strange feeling when he left to realise it definitely was too late.

I don't often meet people I find physically attractive instantly either, I have to be into them mentally and trust them on a deep level. Despite marring my first and my bedpost notches still being in single figures, I am a million miles from frigid. I was truly terrified when I re-entered the world of dating and realised it was 'normal' to roll into bed quickly but actually it wasn't nearly as much of a problem as I thought it would be. Being confident that you are worth the wait (or faking that confidence) goes a long way. Many guys absolutely LOVE the idea that you are an old fashioned kind of girl, that you are a challenge, that they are not one in a long line of conquests.

Whilst I have some understanding for your situation IMO it is not healthy to want a relationship so desperately, nor to feel like a freak or abnormal. Being realistic does not have to be the same as settling for second best - your current game plan is not working for you so change it. Maybe get some counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy, new hobbies or voluntary work that keep you busy and fulfilled, give self confidence but meeting new people, or perhaps join a ton of online dating agencies. Do also find a way to address the flinching, IMO that is sending out the wrong message.

HeadAboveWater

Exactly what tea lover says - took the words right out of my mouth!!! Never, ever settle for someone, just for the fear of being on your own.

You know you don't need to be in a relationship to be who you are. Some people depend on the OH to feel good about themselves. That is so wrong!!

Some people say that everyone has a OH out there somewhere. Some people say that being single is the way to be. Who knows which is right? Everyone is different!! Nobody can say that 'you must find someone to share your life with' or 'you must remain single'. Who gets to tell you that?!

Main thing is, stop looking! If there is someone out there for you, it will happen. 'What's for you won't pass you by' as my friend always says.

Be yourself for now. Enjoy life. Enjoy all the ME time you have (which a heck of a lot of people will be jealous of!!) Enjoy your time with friends and family. Do crazy stuff. Travel the world. Whatever YOU want to do! Life is too short.

tattycath

Saturnalia wrote: »

Thinking about all this maybe there is an element of desperation there - but wouldn't you feel the same if you were me?

I've told this story on here many times. I'm 31 and had one serious relationship (a disaster, of course) from 18-20. Since then there have been 3 flings of a month or two's duration. And the last was this relationship-that-never was 4 years ago which never got as far as sleeping together, so I probably shouldn't even include that on the tally.

I've been celibate since December 2005. The only person I've even kissed in all that time has been, guess who, this man 4 years ago and now on Sunday night. Can you even imagine how that feels? I guess not.

I've had to accept I'll probably never have the chance to decide on having children. I've never wanted them, but that was always my choice, and now it's not, it's been decided for me. I have a medical condition where pregnancy at my age is very chancy and I'm probably not fertile anymore either due to it.

I seem to be a very strange person to match as well. I don't seem to see the world in the same way as most people and I struggle to really connect with them. Plus, despite having what I think is a normal sex drive, I just don't feel attracted to many people. I meet about one man every three years I feel I could be with. And it's rare they feel the same way, but they always like me as a friend. Work that one out! Plus it seems to take me quite a while to get to the point of feeling comfortable enough for physical contact, and there aren't many out there who can put up with that. Most normal people are in bed after a couple of hours and here's me flinching if I'm touched too soon. But once I get comfortable with someone I can't get enough of them. All the armchair-psychiatrists diagnose me as frigid, but I don't think that's my problem.

And on here, two people have said it and I've asked what they meant but got no reply, that not having a relationship after four years basically means you're a waste of space. In relation to him, but how do you think that makes me feel, given that I haven't had a real relationship for 11 years? I already feel like a freak given that everyone else seems to be able to go to the shop and come back with a new boy/girlfriend.

Don't you think I would love to believe I'll find someone who understands me, shares my sense of humour & interests, cares about me, fancies me but is prepared to wait till I'm ready? Oh and wants a real relationship? But how likely is it? I have to be realistic at this point. I've been searching for that person half my life and at some point you have to accept what's looking back at you from the mirror.

So I'm reading these replies that I know are coming from a place of genuine sympathy and concern; but at the same time coming from a position of privilege that I don't have.

In order for other people to like you you have to like yourself. You seem to have very low self esteem and a lack of self worth. I'm no dr or therapist and I've suffered from depression myself and feelings of low self esteem and lack of self worth. In that respect I can relate to how you must be feeling.
I overdosed at 17, was admitted to a psychiatric ward at 18 and life could not have been worse-i didn't think. I met a guy at 21 moved in with him, we had children. He was physically violent and after I stood up to him i endured mental cruelty for a further 3 years-we were together 10yrs in all. I moved out with the children and picked myself up (believe me I was at rock bottom). I'd had almost 10 years of mental cruelty-being told every day that I was worthless, gutter level, lowlife, ugly etc etc. i spent 6 years alone with the children-apart from the odd fling/one night stand. I became desperate and any contact with someone was better than no contact, so I let myself get into bad sexual relationships etc for a time (while the kids were at their Dad's of course) Having time on my own gave me time to think and re-evaluate my life and what I wanted. I finally resigned myself to the fact that I just wasn't meant to be in a relationship with anyone but started to like myself more and tried to tell myself positive things about myself every day. I met my OH over 6 years ago (whilst I wasn't looking for him). and we're still really happy-he's my soulmate.
As Jojo has suggested, maybe you would benefit from medical advice and try to see and focus on the positives about yourself instead of the negatives.

HeadAboveWater

Thanks for sharing that tattycath. So good to hear how your life has completely turned around for the better

tattycath wrote: »

I became desperate and any contact with someone was better than no contact, so I let myself get into bad sexual relationships etc for a time

Ditto!!

It's soooooooooooooo not the right thing at all but it is so hard not to do it...

And you find out, the hard way unfortunately, that being on your own with no contact is better by far.

Marisco

HeadAboveWater wrote: »

'What's for you won't pass you by'

Yes, I say that as well "what's meant for you won't go past you" I think you find someone you have to stop looking!! Personally, I've got no time for workaholics, my ex was one when he started up the "promotion ladder", not because he was never home, that didn't bother me, but I just don't like folk who live to work, I prefer working to live!! No one is indispensable, no matter what they like to think!

tattycath

HeadAboveWater wrote: »

Thanks for sharing that tattycath. So good to hear how your life has completely turned around for the better



Ditto!!

It's soooooooooooooo not the right thing at all but it is so hard not to do it...

And you find out, the hard way unfortunately, that being on your own with no contact is better by far.

Totally agree with you, but at the time it feels so compelling to have some kind of closeness - even if it's for all the wrong reasons and the wrong kind of closeness with the wrong person iykwim. It's only later when you take a step back and really think about it, that you can see how desperate, sad and tragic it all was.

I'm in a much better place now. My OH is wonderful. Amazing how we found each other when neither of us were looking.